i have been trying to make a bunch of changes, and also make a list of things that need to be done. current situation just isnt maintainable.
i need to get a job. something part time. if it were from home itd be really preferable. but i have about a month before i stop getting tanf for corbin and i need to supplement that since his dad is certainly not magically going to start paying his child support. i havent even attempted working in over 8 years. before i got pregnant. i never was good at maintaining even shitty food service jobs. i have a bachelor's degree but i also have a lot of problems. and the jobs that my degree would lead me to require a drivers license. so next on my list is a permit. its time i learn to drive even if i think it will be something that makes me really anxious. in the meantime i need some other type of job. boring i dont mind. its better than something that will make me all freaked out. maybe id do really well at a job now. but its such an unknown at this point that i worry a lot.
my dad offered to get me a car last night. hes finally in his own apartment after couch surfing for more than a decade. im happy for him. but i cant tell if hes drinking again and that worries me. i wish i knew but i dont want to ask. he said things i wish he wouldnt. i dont want to hear from my dad that i have a nice body but no tits. i dont want to know about his dick size, what my mom thought of his sex skills, or the fact he thinks hes the 1% who cant contract an std. i dont mind helping him make a tinder account. or showing him how to use a computer. but really, there needs to be a line somewhere.
i am still really disappointed that my insurance didnt approve the place i wanted to do therapy. im not willing to do it if i have to go to some shitty place where they threaten me and are nothing but negative. need to call the insurance and see what they say. i dont have a lot of trust in the mental health field. and my psych degree didnt give me more trust, less actually. pretty sure a lot of it is just winging it and hoping they are right.
i made the first call to get set up at the clinic corbin goes to. i havent seen a doctor in years but i probably should and i have a couple things i should probably ask about. need to most likely go to planned parenthood again sometime too. i never even went back for the 6 week appointment after i got my iud, and that was almost a year ago. thats how bad i am with doctors. still avoiding my dentist because i dont want to deal with yanking the tooth in the back out while awake. but now i have other cavities and i really need to stop putting it off. not yet though. ugh
my sleep schedule is so far off at this point its rather ridiculous and really hard to fix. and i know that im depressed and that makes it harder cuz i just want to stay in bed. but then i dont want to sleep at night.
i need to reorganize like half my apartment and get rid of things and make things neater. its really overdue. and i want to get a few things and maybe put up some pictures or something. i am stuck here so i need to make it more of a home, more of somewhere i like being. im really sad i didnt get on the list for a housing voucher but i didnt and i am lucky i have a place to live that i can afford even if its not ideal. so i need to make it nicer in here and just accept it.
i also need to do an overhaul on my appearance. ive become so unhappy with it its really not reasonable anymore. and my look these days is pretty much summed up as i gave up. and i wouldnt care expect that i am not happy with myself. its not about looking nice for other people. its about being able to look in the mirror and not be depressed.