sarcasticsquirrel: (Default)
was woken up by someone from care oregon, my health care provider through ohp. they wanted to know why i went to the er last weekend. so i told her. then she asked wht the doctor said was wrong with me since i went ot the er something must have been wrong with me. it was like she wasnt listening at all. i was so annoyed.

went to therapy. told him what happened. he didnt seem to care much since i seemed stable enough. then he told me that the modeling was like selling my soul and hoping not to get knocked off and that i should stop. i was so entirely pissed off. i didnt feel supported at all and for the first time in years i wished i had a female therapist.

went to go to planned parenthood. was running way too early so i went to buffalo exchange and looked at some stuff. tried on some leather jackets to see what i look like in one that fits as opposed to dodgers big one. i looked good. and i did look tougher i guess. i felt safer wearing his on my trip than i would have in a hoodie. whatever, im being dumb. then i went to fred meyer and looked at halloween stuff and the toys. its silly i went from trying on leather jackets to look tougher to looking at dolls.

missed my bus so i ended up ebing late to planned parenthood. then the nurse lady told me that since it hadnt been two weeks they wont do my std testing. she did the pelvic. she told me that now through ohp the only one who can do std and hiv testing is a primary care doctor. which i dont have. so i have to get one if i want to be tested.

when i was sitting in the room waiting for her with the paper thing on my top and the paper thing on my lap i was trying to cover up as much as possible. it seemed silly considering that ive been doing nude modeling all summer. then i started to panic. i didnt want to be there and i didnt want to be seen or touched.

it was a bad day. i went into the planned parenthood bathroom afterwards. ive always hated that place. sliced up my arm and face a little, not too bad. was totally freaked out. walked out and caught the bus. texted dodger and had him meet me at powells cuz i wasnt ready to go home. then we went to sparticus and got me some hair dye. we are leaving soon for the lj meetup. thought wed check it out for once.
sarcasticsquirrel: (padme carmendove)
interesting how responsability can change you.

i want to cut right now. i feel like shit. but i cant. because my body is how i make money. i cant do modeling jobs all sliced up. well not most modeling jobs anymore. this is wierd. my "job" restricts my behavior. title dictates behavior? not really. but this is just an odd thing to realize.
sarcasticsquirrel: (home)
i missed the 1pm bus by 20 minutes. this would prove even more problematic than originally suspected. took a 430pm bus out of portland. left micah my keys. oh, backtracking, micah took me to teh e.r. the other night to make sure i was alright. i am. then he took me home and i was so tired but i knew i wanted to leave the next day so i had him take my keys so he can feed fred and water the plants. anyways, got on the bus. made it a little past salem when the air compretion system or whatever got a hole in it and the airstarted to leak out, making the breaks less than effective. so we went back to salem and had to wait a bunch for a new bus. i am freaking out about missing my connecting bus from sacramento. dodger has no phone turned on. so i get a guy who is getting of in eugene to email dodger telling him to call me and find out when ill be in s.f., since it wont be 9am as planned. also i talk to micah who emails him aswell. so, running three hours late. and the dinner stop at 1am is taco bell, which i hate, and i felt gross afterwards. most of the bus people are annoying, except my seatmate, a nice bot from england doing some summer traveling. well the rest of teh trip is alright. i get a seat to mself a few hours before getting to sacramento, and manage 4 hours of sleep. i feel good. i get a bus quickly after getting there and arrive actually at 945am, only 45 minutes late. i set my stuff down within eyeshot. and i stood waiting for dodger. then he finally came up the escelator. and i was happy to see him. but it felt weird too. after so much time of not seeing him it was strange. but we hugged, standing there a long while holding each other. and kissed for the first time in over a month. and then we took my stuff up to his dorm. we talked. my mom hates him with a passion and the feeling is mutual.

oh, yes, backtracking again. went out with my mom the day i wasnt feeling well. helped her find a laptop she is going to get next week. had dinner. she ranted about how much she hates dodger and i told her im still with him and i stood up for him best i could. and she was a totaly bitch. i went back to her place and helped her with some stuff. and she fave me presents from italy. and i told her how i was bleeding and not feeling well. and she ranted about how i cant have kids with dodger, i have to have them with someone she respects. it was awful. i was so angry. she took me home. then i walk in to realize that my fucking computer is dead. the doom hamster is no more. and that im not getting my moms old desktop machine for another week. so i borrowed a laptop from leanne and talked to dodger at her place. then micah took me to the e.r. where i had a cathater put in and it was horrible and humiliating. and i had a pelvic done...in front of micah. that was uncomfortable.

back to my story. so dodger and i get up to his place and a few minutes later gir (ecco) knocks on the door. and i come to the door a minute later and shes like omg. hehe. so she hangs out. and dodger is all headachy and grumpy. and im being mean because i got there and everything felt weird and i felt really out of place and like he has a life here and im just in the way. and i walked him to class. and then i was stuck for 5 hours in a city i dont know well with no money and im cold. so i try to get in the un and out of the wind. first at a bus stop, then on the steps of a church. i huddle up inside my hoody and drink a soda i had in my purse and cut on my arm and press my arm against the stone of the church and leave blood prints. and i talk to scott on the phone and i talk with shawn, my friend in s.f. that was formerly a portland resident. and i sit, huddled in my hoody, cold and listening to my dying headphones. then a crazy guy sat next to me and asked me things then forgot and asked me again. and he said he was a millionair. and he gave me a dollar, which i took. and he told me to take good care of my boyfriend and that dodger is very lucky to have me.

after that i had to pee so i went downtown and went to wendys and used that dollar and some change i had and got a burger that i didnt finish and used their bathroom. then i walked back up and sat outside of dodgers class building in the sun and it was warmer now and he came out after a while. and we went home and got naked and cuddled and then he ate and we went to sleep. somewhere in there i went unresponsive cuz i was feeling really violent and i didnt want to hurt him, id already hurt him and wanted to stop. and he got sad and said he makes me worse, but thats not true. really its that i freak out in different ways around people than i do on my own. i tend to show more obvious symptoms. and theres reasons for that. because thats the only way most of the time that i can communicate. when its online i can type things, but in person i cant talk about things. i also dont respond well to stress or change. both of which ive had a lot of lately. he said something at some point also about fooling everyone into thinking hed changed. and i didnt know him before but when he was describing how he is and how he was seeming to be different and how hed fooled everyone i was thinking. he never fooled me. i knew how he is and who he is, i could tell from the start. and i love him. i love hiim just as he is now. and if he changes ill still love him. but i dont need him to change. i love him so much just the way he is. we slept. and this morning we cuddled. and then we went sopping for food. and now we are about to leave again and come back and do laundry. and work. yes.
sarcasticsquirrel: (cuts sexidance)
i want to cut my chest open and expose my ribs. but i have an interview tomorrow, hav e to be nude. i keep cutting but its not enough. i squeez the cuts to make them bleed more after they stop or if they dont bleed. and it hurts and its still not enough. and i want the blood. i do. and im not stopping. and im getting worse. and i dont know what to do anymore.

and he needs me and he needs me to be strong and im not there enough for him. and he needs me not to go in the psych ward and leave him laone like that. so i need to figure out another way to protect myself from me. i dont know what to do. i dont know how to cope. i cant take care of myself and i cant trust myself.

im never gonna make it down there am i? i wont keep myself togehter that long.

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sarcastic squirrel

January 2017

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