sarcasticsquirrel: (wilson wink angiescully)
so today ive been doing the little things that need to get done. selling stuff online, doing my summer and next years fafsa, made a planned parenthood appointment to change my birth control to something that doesnt give me migrains, and now i am updating lj because i cant get on webct right now to do homework. i also talked to my nana, and hung out with zach, who was not on his meds and was acting nuts.

yesterday i saw spiderman 3. i was disappointed. it wasnt a really bad movie, just too much was in it for one movie. the day before that i saw shrek the third. that was cute, not great but cute. this was the weekend for third movies.

i saw dodger last night. he came for the last of his things from my place. i hadnt seen him since before we broke up. it was strange. he looked alright. i mean he looked good and happy, but its not my style. he didnt keep any of the stuff from our relationship. none of it. then he gave me a hug and acted like it was a secret like shed get mad. sounds like someone who is way too jealous. whatever. doesnt matter to me.
sarcasticsquirrel: (girl interupted speech sunswept_stars)
i take everyone for granted. im spoiled and selfish. i treat people badly. dodger, lucas. there wasnt something wrong with them, there was something wrong with me. and i hurt them.

-peter, im sorry. its not personal. just because i hate my life doesnt mean i dont like being with you. things are just bad for me. im sorry. i love you very much.


This old house is falling down around my ears
Im drowning in a river of my tears
When all my will is gone you hold me sway
I need you at the dimming of the day
sarcasticsquirrel: (girl interupted speech sunswept_stars)
the more i think about it the more i think that there wasnt something wrong with dodger, there is something wrong with me. im having a bad day. *sigh*
sarcasticsquirrel: (grey faerie)
i hate how things are going with dodger. its such a mess. itd be easier if i didnt love him. but i do, of course i do. i didnt stop loving him. i didnt stop caring. i just realized that he was not what was best for me. but i do miss him.
sarcasticsquirrel: (Default)
well dodger and i have been not terribly nice to each other online. i feel really bad about how things went with him. my mom is pissed off about dodger messeging her. talked to her. shes really glad im staying. she was unhappy at the thought of losing me. shes excited about psu. she wishes id take breaks between boys.

ahh yes, i went to psu to get applications and such. should be no problem. yay. now the big struggle is going to be getting housing downtown i can afford. i want downtown or nw because any farther and ill end up being late or some shit all the time. so the only place i see i can affor is lovejoy station. so tomorrow i need to see if they will take me back. i also need to scramble to get enough money for a deposite and a pet deposite.

oh yeah, fred escaped last night while i was gone. i searched everywhere for her. she finally came back on her own. i was so relieved.

went to the build a bear shop yesterday. made a cow that meows an wears a biker jacket. cow in leather! yay.

went to bagby hot springs today with john for a photo shoot. good day for it.
sarcasticsquirrel: (Default)
dodger and i broke up. i didnt do it for peter, it was never a choice between the two, but rather a choice between dodger and not dodger.
sarcasticsquirrel: (pirate elizabeth swirlin)
went and saw pirates of the caribbean 2 last night. i liked it. but not as much as the original. an damn, it was like 3 hours long. i got home an saw the time an was like shit no wonder we are so tired.

today i met dodgers friend kate. she is strange. we had lunch an then we went to the san francisco zoo. yay animals! ive decided people suck but animals are awsome. the monkeys were great and so were the zebras, the penguins, the polar bears, the lemurs, an the prarie dogs. yay. an i got a stuffe lemur an named him irving. went an got a happy meal an gave irving my inflatable pirate cutlass and the pirate bandana i got last itme. he is all decked out. yay.

having an easy night. doing some stuff to my computer. i catch the place at 730 tomorrow night. not sure what we are doing tomorrow. its been a good week.

not sure what im comming home to either. the roomate should be gone so im wondering if i have no internet. thatd fucking suck. everything was in her name. i havent even met the new roomate, nor do i know if she will be there when i get back. we shall see.
sarcasticsquirrel: (pirate elizabeth swirlin)
ok so yesterday dodger an i went out and we wandered through the ikea. i was not in love with their stuff, but i liked a lot of the kids stuff. can i get kid decorations? took greg with us. he is my plump little racoon. he has been approved on www.moopleapproved.com which some of you still have not submitted to. go submit. suuuuuubmit. anything, it can be anything. we went and ha lunch an we shopped a bit. i got some clothes an a copy of the first pirates of the caribean movie. we came home an got ready an then we were off to the club.

i liked the club. the people were nice. the outfits were interesting. there were cage dancers. i got to grab a girls butt. then we went home and cuddled up for sleep.

toay i need to go back down to the school. then we need to watch one pirates movie before heading off to see the other. yay.
sarcasticsquirrel: (Default)
well i was frantic yesterday. totally running late. but i got my hair cut and dyed. i need to touch oup the dye job then ill have pictures. got to the airport on time. i was really scared. ive flown once before, with my mom, over 7 years ago. so i make it through security, figure out where i go to get on the pllane, step up to the counter to ask if i nee to check in. and suddenly they announce that the flight is canceled. im inches from the counter an suddenlly there are 20 people in front of me. im terrified. but i make it up there and get my new seat. they are combining two flights going to san francisco. they are no longer going to oakland where im sposed to go. so i call dodger. he meets me in sf instead. the flight is nice. i have a window seat. we go up, everything gets small. everything being the scenery, the drink they give you, and the bag of peanuts. the drink is a tiny cup of ice with one sip of soda in it. the peanuts are not as hard to open as the stand up comedians want you to think.

i get off the plane. dodger is waiting in the airport with roses and a box of chocolates. it is so sweet. and we hug and kiss and he carries my bags. we go back to his place and i meet the pets. they seem to like me. he made pesto pasta and we cuddled and he read to me.

today we went downtown. we talke to the school an i am now a student at the academy of arts. i am intimidated. what if i dont have ideas? what if i suck at this? im not artistic. the people were nice an the guy at admissions was very helpfull. an i toured the fashion department. then we went and had food. and we went to the toy store and dodger got me greg, my new stuffed racoon. yay. he is round and fuzzy.

dodger is making lasagna and we are gonna watch clerks then go see clerks two. yay.

im having a good time and its good to see the dodger.
sarcasticsquirrel: (eskimo willow no1_antielitist)
http://www.moopleapproved.com/


yay dodger made my site. go submit things for my approval. coul be anything. check it out.
sarcasticsquirrel: (top 5 high fidelity mawf)
the roomaTE ISSUE IS RESOVE THANKFULY. an i got a new v burner for my computer. anyone have a power supply i coul have? my computer is getting too hot and i think its cuz my fan in my power supply sucks balls.

ive spent most of the last week with my new friend peter. ive had a great time. we went to the park, we went to see a scanner darkly, which was a strange and good movie. we went to the beach yesterday with some of his ffamily. they seem nice. and weve been doing other things. and life has gotten complicated an full of drama. it is affecting my relationship with dodger. it is efecting me. i am confused and feel guilty an horrible an less and less stable. anyone want to get together and talk when i get back from sf? ill be back saturday. i coul use someone to just sit an talk to for a while. someone not involved in the situation.

i always en up hurting everyone who cares about me. i always end up being the bitch. i really hate myself sometimes.
sarcasticsquirrel: (vamp willow bored close teenstar)
my compuetr has no internet. i cant fix it. everything else in the house is connected but me. its been down all day. i have no one to talk to. im on dodgers computer now but i cant get messengers running. im lonely. ive been trying to reach dodger for over 12 hours now. im worried. i get scared when i cant get a hold of him. at first his phone would just ring. now it goes straight to voicemail. i dunno whats going on.
sarcasticsquirrel: (home)
Read more... )
sarcasticsquirrel: (angel icon)
im just so angry and hurt and sad and depressed and scared that i feel like i cant breath, i cant even think straight. i never thought hed really leave me here. im terrified about gathering up the cash to get another place up here without having to crawl back to my mother.
sarcasticsquirrel: (home)
im still waiting to hear from the other college i applied too. im getting nervous.

math class isnt going well. psych class is going really well though.

dodger came up on saturday. it was nice to have him around. we went to the delta diner and we rented king kong. we went to v for vendetta the next day, he hadnt seen it. and we went to hive.

i dont really feel close to the people i used to hang out with. but i had a lot of fun at the club. we danced around like idiots. i would like to hang out with owen sometime. but the thing about him is that i am tired of his public entertainment persona. i like him one on one. i dont like hanging out with him in groups. sarah was there. it was nice to see her. i hardly ever get to talk to her, which is too bad.

i feared that dodger comming to visit would only make the long distance thing harder. that id feel more alone and even worse than before after he left. and i was right. and i dont even know whats going on now. i know i want to be with him, i want to make this work. but hes saying he doesnt think he can afford to get a place in time for when my lease is up. then he shows up with his new ipod and his new computer and his new clothes and i now he got a new desk and hes talking about getting more stuff, talkingabout all these new toys hes going to get. and im thinking so is this why he cant afford a security deposite? i dont want to think that being with me is a lower priority than a flat screen monitor. but thats how it seems to be. and when we had sex he closed his eyes the whole time and i wondered who he was thinking about that he didnt want to look at me. i just want to know where i stand and whats goingon and whther i should be putting my heart and energy into fighting for this relationship.
sarcasticsquirrel: (wesley sacrifice beneathgulmissy)
so my dad cant do my hair cuz he is going to arizona to start up his drug dealing again. he said hes sorry to disappoint me, which might have meant a lot if i didnt know he was only refering to the fact that he cant do my hair for me. he is a constant disappointment. and totally unaware of it.

talked to dodger last night. he says he doesnt think he can get an appartment by the end of june. he is focusing on finding a repacement job for september. he doesnt think he has the time or money to find an apartment. which means that i need to do something or at the end of june ill be homeless. if i can get into them there are some places that i can afford. but i have to work around my criminal record and i need to come up with the money for the security deposite and the pet deposite. ive bookmarked some places on apartment guide. its too early to check craigslist. i didnt apply to any schools up here so i guess ill be out of school next year, at least for a while. im still waiting to hear if i got accepted to the college down in sf. if not then either way im out of school. and paying off my fucking student loans.

i dont know what will happen to dodger and i. he wants me to get a place and then come down and see him all the time once he gets an apartment, while im waiting for my lease to end. or to break my lease. i dont want to be in a long distance relationship for more than a few months. and i dont want to uproot my life every few weeks, transport fred and me down there then back up again. all of this totally sucks. and im not sure that he sees me as all that important. i know im less important to him than a nice job or some level of success so he can feel like he has the ability to control everything. i cant talk to him about any of this really, he gets really upset. it seems i cant talk to him about a lot of things anymore. i used to be able to just talk to him. but now if it isnt something he can just fix then he gets all upset when i just want to talk about my life. seems he only calls me when he needs me to turn off bit torrent or to do something on his computer for him. he may talk to me afterwards but the reason he calls is to have me do something for him. and when i call he is busy and distracted or doing something or tired. as sad as it was, i think i almost prefer the dodger over the summer that at least missed me a lot and cared that i wasnt there with him.
sarcasticsquirrel: (tarawillow musical ivymoss)
" Every single night the same arrangement
You go out and moop the moop
Still you always feel the strangest strangement
Nothing here is poop, nothing here is soup
You've been making shows of moose dance blows
Just hoping no one knows
That you've been going through the mooptions
Walking through the part
Nothing seems to moopulate your heart"
sarcasticsquirrel: (march penguin shadowsong_13)
made it up to seattle ok. had a nice night except for a headache. woke up today with the headache still there and a tummy ache to join it. i miss dodger and i wish i was home. id rather be sick in my own house.
sarcasticsquirrel: (dodger waiting)
spent my last night with dodger on tuesday night. finished the book we were reading and cuddled.

yesterday he packed and we went to the train station. and i held his hand and hugged him and he kept telling me itd be ok. then he was gone. and i stood there watching the rain fall on the train tracks. and then the train went by. and i walked out into the horrible wind and rain.

i wasnt ready to go home. went to lloyd center. got a new shirt with penguins on it and an emily pillow case. i came home and watched law and order and did my homework and watched the musical buffy episode once more. i went to bed really early. his pillow smells like him. i think im still pretty numb.

snowed a bunch last night. sure you guys all know. seems my train will still be on time. so im getting ready to go to seattle. spend a few days with my nana.
sarcasticsquirrel: (home)
last night when we were sleeping i woke up and he was mumbling. and he said something about a puzzle then he said "its a moople. yay!"

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sarcastic squirrel

January 2017

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