sarcasticsquirrel: (safe hitchhiker insidethebox)
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sarcasticsquirrel: (safe hitchhiker insidethebox)
so today i woke up to my mom calling. she was ready on time, which i hadnt expected. and i was in bed. so i told her give me an hour. and i got up, put on the price is right, got online, and burned my netflix. i showered, washed up, and sealed my luggage. gave ffred a ton of food and water. went to subway and got snacks. then we were off.

talked in the car, played my nintendo, listened to music. got to edmonds around 3. my nana bought a house about a year ago. i hadnt seen it yet. its cue. very nice inside. shes redone teh whole inside. we had lunch once my nana got home from teh store.

then mom went out to move her car and found that it was dead. like it wouldnt even turn over. so we popped the hood and tried to figure it out. couldnt. so the mechanic came and got mom and the car and charged the battery and took her in to get a new battery. oh the drama.

then mom got back and so did my aunt, uncle, and two younger cousins who had been off doing things. hadnt seen them in like 7 years. the cousins perhaps only a few years ago. so people talked, dinner was made, and everyone except me drank...enough to be silly. it was like being the one in the mental ward who has the keys.

so people drank and talked and ate then went to bed. mom watched me play elite beat agents. people laughed at teddy. poor old bear.

my nana is a real health nut, too a scary extreme. and her mind is not what it was. my uncle is from germany. he is nice and doesnt talk much. my aunt is a silly, emotional person, kinda hippy new age type of woman. my cousins tiana and leia are both pretty, successful, in stable relationships, respectful, interesting, nice, andcreative. man its annoying. makes me look bad. only nice thing anyone has to say about me is how pretty i am.

more tomorrow.
sarcasticsquirrel: (Default)
got stranded downtown today and my mom wouldnt come get me. some mom. found out my 13 yr old little brother is having sex. just like my older brother and my dad were at that age. they both have 4 kids so i worry for little griffin now.

*edit: and the fuckers from teh beer and wine tasting thingy were on the max being loud and stupid and breaking wine glasses on the floor of the max. oh and when did lloyd center turn into such a pit? it qwas full of loud angery peiople whjo were yelling at each other and running around or walking really slowly and blocking all the walking space. grrrr!
sarcasticsquirrel: (sword or pistol carla_t)
well im back from seattle.

wednesday mom and mark showed up and we went to brunch. then mom and i fought traffic up to seattle. we went to the store before going in to my nanas. the deli guy hit on my mom hardcore. it was wierd. then we went to nanas. went and got fish and chips and milkshake and after dinner nana and i made the pumpkin pies.

thanksgiving had breakfast and gt ready, then my cousin johnny showed up. hes an alcoholic frat boy who has been kicked out of school and is taking one class right now and working and drinking too much. hes 4 months younger than me. a few hours later my aunt and uncle showed up. my uncle has never been anyone i liked. my aunt is cool though. well we all ploayed texas hold em all weekend. my mom was so fucking drunk on thanksgiving that she doesnt remember most of it. thanksgiving was lovely. and for the first time ever WE ATE ON TIME! at like 630.

friday aunt and uncle left and there was more card playing and then that night my cousin johnny left. then, while mom and nana and i were watching a movie there was a huge fight. my nana decided that i couldnt eat my own food or drink my own soda in her house cuz id been having too much sugar. first, i really hadnt been having that much. second, im the only one in the family who hadnt been fall on your ass drunk over this holiday. but third, and most important, im an adult. she doesnt tell anyone else what to do, including my younger cousin. i am the only one she feels she can do that to. thats not right. im 23 and if i want to drink a soda thats my fucking right. im not a child. and i resent being treated like one. my cousin is supported by his parents, he whines if his mom wont make his food for him, and hes treated as a man, even though he cant seem to keep from being drunk and committing numerous assualts that he hasnt been arrested for. i financially support myself, i take care of myself, im working, im in school. when do i get to be treated with respect? never apparently. its always been this way with my cousin being favored over me. i spent half my childhood in that spare room being punished for not being him.

well i called dodger, angry, and vented a bit. then i packed some of my stuff and got my clothes on and walked out. my mom and nana chased me down and my mom was standing in the door of the building asking me to come in and talk. my nana ran out and grabbed my arm and my purse strap. i turned around to get out of her grip and she yelled and said how dare i try to hit her. i told her i wasnt trying to, i was trying to get out of her grip. she wouldnt let go of my purse so i cussed her out until she let go then i walked off. i talked to dodger some more. i was thinking id head for the bus station and go home. but my mom called and tlaked to me and convinced me to home back and just go into the guest room and go to bed. so eventually i did. i didnt talk to my nana, i barely spoke to her this morning. then mom and i drove back here.
sarcasticsquirrel: (sword or pistol carla_t)
well in a few hours ill be off to seattle with my mom for thanksgiving. itll be me and her and my nana and my aunt and uncle and possible my cousin and his girlfriend. my boyfriend isnt welcome of course cuz mom would throw a fit. in fact my mother doesnt like anyone who will be at this gathering. so why is she going?

today dodger and i spent way too much time waiting on buses and crossing lights and stuff. but we went to the dollar tree and to food and i talked to fish and we went to wunderland where he showed off his talent at one of the games and i spent my time on skiball and the claw machines. i had a lot of luck and we both were very successfull. came out of there with a ton of stuff. yay. had a good time.

dyed my hair tonight. when it dries it should be a nice red over the brown, last a few weeks. im packing now in preperation of a noon departure. try not to miss me too much. and feel free to go to my info page and send me a text messege to my phone while im gone. ill be back friday. happy horrible holiday of death and deciete. hooray! mmm...dead bird.
sarcasticsquirrel: (lilo alone)
well did another shoot with tom from citygrrls.

http://citygrrls.com/SamplePage44.html

let me know what you think.

this is a small town.

my nana called while i was out. she got upset that dodger didnt have a regular job, wasnt pulling in the cash to suppliment my income. she said she would help me out but isnt going to subsidize him. that hes a grown man. asked if i still like him. but she said shes sure hes a nice guy. *sigh* sometimes she reminds me unintentionally that she is the one that raised my mother to be who she is. shes not going to pay for my trip up there. thought that dodger had a car. blah. i feel like im losing my family. everyone seems so disappointed and like they are turning on me and putting me down and lecturing me. my family can be bastards but they are my family and i love them and id really appreciate their support (i dont mean financial). but im not getting it. this really sucks.
sarcasticsquirrel: (pain in the ass friggincold)
had a really bad day. starting with early monday morning after hive. arguing with dodger. and not being ok with the way he was expressing things. and we dont usually, ok we never, argue. so it was really kinda unnerving for me. and i know the whole thing was hard on him.

went to sleep and blew off all my appointments. slept till late in the night. woke horribly depressed and lonely, worse than the night before. felt awful. freaked out while on the phone with dodger. stopped speaking and he thought i was offing myself. but id really just gone unmoving and unspeaking like i do. we had a hard night. i dont think either of us was doing well. i know i wasnt. im still not.

i havent gone to bed yet. not sure why. and i see him sleeping there. i woke him once, then watched him lay there. then my dad called. and i talked to him. he asked why i hadnt called and i was like i have no number for you. and hes like well this is my cell number, i thought you woulda gotten it cuz ive calleda few times. and im like well if you never leave a voicemail how should i know its your number? he was upset. and also said i havent called devin. thats true and thats my bad. but he hasnt called me either. going to see my dad and gevin and griffin tomorrow. unless my dad doesnt call or bails on me or soemthing like usual. itd be good to see them all. my dad is gonna be working in a new hair salon. and hes living there in the basement of the shop. so sounds like he has his shit together and im going to the opening. im glad hes doing beter. hes still a fucking horrible father and a big fat disappointment. and im sorta thinking he might be dealing a bit again but i cant be sure. either that or his friends are awfully nice buying him plane tickets across country. never know. he always leaves me in a bad mood. why cant i have parents who are nice, responsible, and non damaging? is that so much to ask? one that doesnt hit me, emotionally abuse me, neglect me, act like a child, do or deal drugs, or be an alcoholic? i dont think that should be such a tall order. but apparently it is. am i old enough that it shouldnt matter at this point? p[robably. but it does bother me. whether it should or not.

im watching dodger still laying in bed. i called him a second time and he blew me off pretty much. so i take no responability for the fact that im watching him lay in bed while he should be showering and about to run off to class. im not his fucking mother. if he wants to blow things off thats his deal. i will not take care of him. i will not baby him. i will not take responsability for him. he would resent it if i did. and i sure as hell would too. next time he asks me to wake him up its gonna be a big no comming out of my mouth cuz he hasnt listened to me once.
sarcasticsquirrel: (grosspoint  wild_rice_icons)
i was listening to make them apologize, an ani song i like a lot. and theres a part in it about marraige. and i was thinking about it. it was a very anti-male thing. and i was thinking about how i was raised by a woman who hates men. and taught me that all men would hurt me and screw me over. and that i should never get married and never trust men. and i remember being in my late high school years and my mom saying that she hoped that the things shed said to me my whole life about men hadnt messed me up or discouraged me from wanting to get married and have relationships. and its like gee mom, a little late to be asking that isnt it? i grew up believing that id never be in a lasting relationship and that i would be a single mom. that i would follow the traditions of my family. strong bitter women who raise their kids alone.

my nana was also a single mom, in the 50's, with 3 kids. she went to school while being a single mom, just like my mom did. but she made her kids do everything. my mom did everything for me. they both blamed their children though for the lives they had. i dont remember asking to be born.

i always loved to listen to the women of my family get together and trash men and make jokes and stuff. i liked to sit around and listen tothem even as a small child. and i thought that the parker women never stayed married. well there is a reason for that. they have horrible taste in men. almost always alcoholics. the men were horrible, and the situations were bad. but they chose those men. im not saying ive never been guilty of the same but i didnt marry them. also, the parker women...are raging bitches. really. i cant see how they had kids. no man in his right mind would get within 10 feet of these fucking cunts. i guess they were drunk. of course these men were always drunk. me, i am a raging cunt aswell, but not always. i have a sweeter nature. of course my mom has a sweetness to her. shes just very very bitter and messed up from being fucked over by guys and abused by her mother. i understand my mom, and i cannot hate her. nor can i forgive her. but as i get older i do understand the complexities better of why my mom and her mom are the way they are and why they were single moms and stuff.

im hoping that i will not continue on in their path. not that i dont think i could. but it doesnt sound like a life i want to lead. and it seems that it would be a very lonely one. the messeges of the women of my family are ones that i think less and less i should take at face value. that rather than condem the male sex as a whole, i must learn not to fall into the same pitfalls that they have, learn the things to watch for, the thigns not to allow in my life and in my relationships, and definitly who not to marry or have kids with. im learning as i get older. i will not be the bitter lonely woman falling alseep on the couch with my cat in front of the tv alone when im 50. i wont allow myself to become as bitter as they did. i dont want to be them anymore. i admire their strength, but dont want the scars that make their skin so thick.
sarcasticsquirrel: (kiss fence)
now for the update from my trip to seattle...

7-3
it was hard to tear myself away from the computer, from dodgers face and my last chance to tlak to him for days. beat the bus by a block, dragging wheeling lugguage behind me and hauling a backpack too. got downtown to wait for the next bus. the one that trimet.org said would come didnt and i had to wait a good 10 minutes for another bus to union station. then i hauled ass and all my stuff into the train station and into a long line. people tried to cut in front of me cuz they were trying to catch the train leaving in a few minutes. gee, so was i. the same guy totally blocked me when i went to get in the moving bording line too. i tossed my stuff in line and ran into teh gift shop to buy a pen then grabbed my bags and showed the attendant my ticket. its been over two weeks since i was on a bus back to portland. that is not my home. my home is laying safe and cradled in the heart of a man who, as this train moves, gets further and further away. i got an aisle seat. i hate that. had to put my bag in the area by the door and dodgers backpack at my feet. listened to some music, watched the train welcome movie. the in train movie today was guess who? with bernie mac and ashton kutcher. i had wanted to see it but had been embarrassed. i liked it. hehe. theres an hour left of this trip, time for more headphones.
***************************************************
went and got nana a cell phone. reperfected smiling and nodding. went to dalys for dinner. fish and chips and a butterscotch milkshake from dalys is always good. spent the night at the condo. watched independance day on tv. part of it made me think. he was saying he had been part of something great. youd have to see the scene to understand. he was refering to his relationship, in response to his wife tlaking about career. im not just gonna be dodgers ashley. but this is what i want to do with my life, my relationship with him. everything else is secondary in importance and can be sacrificed if need be. after the movie i was thinking about him, missing him. and i heard a text come in on my phone. i thought perfect timing. but it wasnt him. that made me sad. he hasnt sent a text from his computer at all and i have no way of contacting him. tuesday night ill be back and can see his sweet face again, tlak to him again. nana is kinda annoying me. she doesnt really listen ever or care what i think or say. so half the time i dont even bother.
***************************************************
7-4
got up late. helped nana learn how to use her new cell phone. it was slightly patience trying, but she caught on. she also gave me $200 for appartment stuff. which means my phone can stay on. yay! went and got a burrito. played spite and malice. i owe her $1.60. haha. damn. the fireworks were beautiful. and they played true colors during part of them, which was my favorite song as a little girl. when i went to sit on the deck in the cold and wait for the fireworks i wished dodger was there with me. instructions are as follows: sit boyfriend in chair, place the ashley in boyfriends lap, put previously mentioned boyfriends arms around the ashley, cover with blanket, tilt heads up, watch fireworks. last year lucas came with me. i texted lucas with a belated happy 23rd bday and texted tom with a happy bday firecracker boy. apparently i like to date boys who are born in the very beginning of july (lucas is the 3rd). wel, no, honestly i just love cancers a lot. also got a call from micah. he was worried about me. he said hell pick me up from the train station tomorrow and on wednesday we will sit down and talk. i would like to be friends with him. i do not want more. i dont know how this is going to go. well tomorrow is maybe movie, maybe cards, definitly food and train. then i can tlak to my boy again.
****************************************************
7-5
(1:40am) he finally texted me. i feel better now. id thought maybe hed been too busy to think of me and hadnt really missed me. i feel beter now.
****************************************************
ate, playted more cards. packed. she gave me a billion lbs of fruit to take with me. ate steak and baked potato. went and got on the train. sitting next to an interesting guy. being way too open as usual. hes cute, thinks i am too. hes napping now. 2 hours till we are in portland. micah will be there. sometimes i dont know what im thinking. i want so much for people to be good that i deny any evidence against it.
*********************************************************
micah picked me up. took me back to my place. i went in. i picked up fred. i turned on the computer, tlaked to dodger. its good to be able to talk to him again. ive been down tonight. and i made it worse by reading through a bunch of old shit from my lj's. read stuff about james, the abortion, ect. read stuff from when michael was living with me. read his lj for awhile, but that made me smile. dodger is being goofy. i miss him. will have to remedy that soon. i think my mom gets home soon from rome. thats good, except i have to tell her that i maxed out my credit card...

i need to finish posting my posts from the sf trip but im not gonna do it tonight i dont think.
sarcasticsquirrel: (home)
watching movies and doing laundry. leave in a few hours for seattle. i wont be around again till tuesday night. its funny, i feel bad leaving, like i should be glued to my computer screen, interacting the best i can with dodger. but i think that itll be good to get away. because ive been doing that so much, my entire social life consists of sitting here. my friends come over soemtimes but i sit here and tlak to them while i talk to dodger. i go to hive. where i miss him and get lectured by my friends. (btw im pissed im missing hive this week) i dont know what im doing with myself. except a big fat nothing. need to work on getting those naked for money jobs. need cash. now.

my back hurts and i have a new affinity for mobile homes.

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sarcastic squirrel

January 2017

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