sarcasticsquirrel: (me tile face)
my mom has been pressuring me to drop out of school. ive failed stats, i have a lot of hard classes ahead of me to get my degree, its not going well. im going to have to fight to get my financial aid back.

the other issue is that theres a big chance i wont be able to get work with my psych degree due to my criminal record. so i could do all the work only to not be able to use it.

my mom told me to drop out and write books about my problems. thinks i could make a lot of cash. i told her that writing books isnt really a career to depend on for financial stability. nana wants me to go to art school.

art school is not unappealing. but im not sure about the career paths that would follow.

right now my plan, assuming that i get my financial aid back, is to take classes i want to take for summer and fall. theres a writing class and a history class that look good. and some of the psych classes i need. then in winter id go back to taking stats and science and spanish like i need to. give myself a break, regroup.

if i cant get my aid back ill not be in school. ill do something else for a while. not sure what.

i dont know what i want or what i should do at this point.
sarcasticsquirrel: (pant muscle elizalavelle)
i had a scary conversation with my mother yesterday. there was a baby in the stanfords when we were having dinner. and she made a comment about circumcision. and we talked about it a bit and how i dont think its a good thing. then she says "youve been with both right?" and i was like yeah. then she stops and was like do i need this information?! and i was like well you ASKED! and i said i felt bad for guys that were but that i didnt think it made any difference to the girl if the guy was or not. and she told me she had only been with one guy that wasnt. I DIDNT NEED TO KNOW THAT. ive wondered for several years how many people my mom has been with. she sounds like she was kinda slutty when she was in her 20s. i should have asked. that would have been the time. of course thers no way id tell her how many people ive been with. the whole conversation was just uncomfortable.
sarcasticsquirrel: (spike loved aftersolong)
so my mom and i went out yesterday.  she bought me new shoes and some stuff for crocheting a scarf.  its been a while and im having some trouble getting it started.  but she also got me the hapy hooker crochet book so im workin on it.  peter came over last night.  we watched some angel and we snuggled all night. 

i still dont know what to get him for xmas. i want to get him something.  but what do you get for the boy who wants nothing?

we also had another talk.  he knew it wouldnt help.  but i knew something was wrong and he wanted to tell me.  im always glad when he tells me.  its  always better whether i feel better or not.  he is afraid we arent going to make it.  he said the conversations still suck.  and he said that i never pounce on him and make him feel wanted. 

i told him ive been usy with starting work and finishing the school term.  ive been setting things up in therapy to work on the conversation stuff.  this is one of my worst issues and it is taking me some time.  i feel like im trying to rush it and i need to be more careful with myself.  i apologized to him for being broken.  im not totally assembled.  this ashley is some assembly required. 

as far as the pouncing that is hard.  its not just my confidence.  i try kissing on him and sitting on his lap to distract him and get him to notice me but he never seems to.  i could all out pounce but i never feel like its a good idea.  he says it is but...ever since he told me that sex with me sucks i havent felt wanted by him, not once.  so trying to get him into it always sounds like a horrible and useless idea.  like it wont matter what i do cuz it wont be any good.  i want him constantly but i dont think it does any good.  and i dont think that showing him would make that much difference.  id like to try but just the idea always just makes me feel bad.  i still want to try.  need to make myself try.  its just that i wont ever know really if he actually enjoys any of it so ill always be self concious. 

he held me and cried into my lap and it hurt my heart but i held him and he pulled it together.  im glad he trusts me.  i want to be there to comfort him.  and i cried and it hurt hi and he held me and wiped my tears away.  and he told me he loves me and hes still here and i pulled it together and we cuddled. 

i love him so much and i will do what i need to to be with him.  im not doing anything that i feel i shouldnt.  im not changing anything that didnt need changing reguardless of him.   he feels wrong about asking all these things of me.  but they needed to be done.  hes giving me the kick in the ass i need.  everyone who knows me from before peter has seemed really impressed by how ive been since i got together with him.  more stable, really having my shit together.  hes my white knight after all.  he doesnt see it.  he isnt impressed.  i went from a girl slicing herself up in his bathroom to one that needs to work on her communication and he doesnt seem to notice. 

i can do this, i can handle whats going on.  but it hurts my heart, all of this.  and hes hurting, i know he is.  but its worth it to me.  hes worth it.  i cant explain it. love isnt logical or rational.  its not brains, its heart.  just trust me that i know what im doing and its the right hting for me. 
sarcasticsquirrel: (dark lord equanimity23.)
today i saw my mom. i did laundry and she gave me some shoes shed gotten and not ended up liking.

we went over all the voting stuff and voted. so thats done. then we saw man of the year. it was good. i liked it. then we went and got food. yummy crab cakes.

then peter came over wheni was home. and we went to the roxy and i drank hot chocolate while he ate. and we talked and snuggled. it was nice.

now im home alone and bored.
sarcasticsquirrel: (little miss sunshine tigerlily_icons)
current count: still need to find a way to make 50 bucks by the 19th. but thats better than 200.

today i went to planned parenthood. i got there 15 minutes early. they saw me an hour late. i was annoyed. then the lady talked too much while i was sitting cold in a paper fucking gown that opened in the front. then she had freezinf hands on my boobs. then she didnt warn me before she stuck an unlube speculum in me. ouch. then she lubed it and tried again. right before she came in when i was sitting in the gown i began to panic. i didnt want some stranger sticking their fingers in me down there an looking at me down there.

forgot my phone so plans with peter were delayed. but we ended up having a great time at wunderland. then i had dinner with my mom. it was great. an she gave me money specifically for boots. yay!
sarcasticsquirrel: (clem  skeleton theothernight)
went to woodburn outlet stores with my mom today. my mom bought me some new clothes an a vaccuum type thing and some pillows on the way home. so that was nice.

ive been watching too much tv. staying up late watching crap.
sarcasticsquirrel: (snooch brains minirth)
[23:32] brokenashleydoll: so i think my mom, among her many lovely personality traits, is allso a racist
[23:34] brokenashleydoll: i foun it especially funny that she felt the need to talk about how strange it was that an asain person, who was obviously from america, was working at a mexican restaraunt. like she woul never eat mexican food because shes asain american instead of european american
[23:34] brokenashleydoll: then she tought it was tasteless of me to say that its like she was a jewish person working at house of pork
sarcasticsquirrel: (me jacket)
in case there were any doubt in this, never post a picture of yourself on craigslist. i was looking throught the platonic stuff and seeing lots of pictures so when i made my ad looking for people to talk to i put a pic of me at the bottom. ive gotten several dozen emails. some were fine, some offering lesbian sex whie the girls boyfriend watches, some talking about how pretty i am in sleazy an broken english. dammit.

in other news, my mother is a bitch. but we knew that already. she bitched at me for quite a while today. and about things that werent even under my control. yay.

tomorrow i need to go to the psu bookstore to fin out how much my books cost. then the post office to find out why im missing several weeks of mail. then to verizon to get a printed bill. fun fun. and possibly seeing jim tomorrow. then buffy.

i made a new build a bear the other day. his name is matthew and hes awesome. ive finished looking through my boxes thanks to peter. now we need to put everything back in the closet, reorganized and less of it yay. and i need to get rid of things still. an i need to clean. and do laundry. and i want to sell some stuff on ebay. my place is gonna be clean and organized when im done.

still need to find a new place. my mom says she will chip in 100 per month. shweet. but i will still have to model. because my non-rent bills will be around 150-200. so even if i have 700 that only leaves like 500 for rent. and thats not a likely scenerio.
sarcasticsquirrel: (Default)
well dodger and i have been not terribly nice to each other online. i feel really bad about how things went with him. my mom is pissed off about dodger messeging her. talked to her. shes really glad im staying. she was unhappy at the thought of losing me. shes excited about psu. she wishes id take breaks between boys.

ahh yes, i went to psu to get applications and such. should be no problem. yay. now the big struggle is going to be getting housing downtown i can afford. i want downtown or nw because any farther and ill end up being late or some shit all the time. so the only place i see i can affor is lovejoy station. so tomorrow i need to see if they will take me back. i also need to scramble to get enough money for a deposite and a pet deposite.

oh yeah, fred escaped last night while i was gone. i searched everywhere for her. she finally came back on her own. i was so relieved.

went to the build a bear shop yesterday. made a cow that meows an wears a biker jacket. cow in leather! yay.

went to bagby hot springs today with john for a photo shoot. good day for it.
sarcasticsquirrel: (fuck un_den_iable)
my mom just bitched me out over events an people i cannot control. she is mad my roomate is moving out in a week. i cannot control my roomate. this isnt my fault and i couldnt have predicte this. she sounde like she planne to stay long after i left. no i int ask if she was renting me a room then going to leave right after i moved in. i shouldnt have to ask that. she is trying to get someone to take over the lease. but she is leaving next wednesday. if she cant im fucked. i will need to rent a storage unit and couch surf for a month.

she was also ranting about dodger. saying if he really wanted me down there hed have been looking for places already and hed be prepar for me an blah blah blah. she said i shoul make sure he really wants me down there and that he will have a place when im ready to move at the end of august.

im stressed enough, i dont need this shit.

ok so this is horrible i know but i was wondering if any of you who i could potentially stay with on occassion over ngiht would comment here so i ha a list of available floor or couch space to draw from if needed. also anyone know a place i could cheaply rent a storage unit for a month thatd hold all my stuff, about a studio appartments worth.
sarcasticsquirrel: (anya bunnies takeover louisemcgregor)
went to moms yesterday. she gave me a cool easter b asket. it had candy, a cd, a vibrating cick, a pink fuzzy dinosaur pen, a pink fuzzy pez keychain,. a pink bunny keychain, and a tiny baby bratz jade bobblehead with bobble bunny. and it all came in a big batman head easter basket. it kicks ass!

she made a nice ham dinner, we watched the food network and west wing.

later i got together with scott. i had a migrain but figured it was a managable one. we hung out, watched a wierd movie. but my headache got a lot worse and the nasea that goes with it was horrible. he took me home and i threw up a bunch then went to bed. that was like 2am. i woke up at 4pm. my back hurts but the rest of me is feeling better, just a little weak.
sarcasticsquirrel: (Default)
got stranded downtown today and my mom wouldnt come get me. some mom. found out my 13 yr old little brother is having sex. just like my older brother and my dad were at that age. they both have 4 kids so i worry for little griffin now.

*edit: and the fuckers from teh beer and wine tasting thingy were on the max being loud and stupid and breaking wine glasses on the floor of the max. oh and when did lloyd center turn into such a pit? it qwas full of loud angery peiople whjo were yelling at each other and running around or walking really slowly and blocking all the walking space. grrrr!
sarcasticsquirrel: (speak cat madelitty)
well i got my new hammy. a girl, only a few months old. named her lyra after a character in some books dodger is reading me right now. shes very cute. still skiddish a bit and not ready to be held. also not ready for pictures but ill post some when i get them. she is dark grey and white. very small. pickier about her food than the last hamster, also a lot more active cuz shes young. and she doesnt seem to be into her bed fluff. likes to sleep in the corner all curled up and cute. yay. i like her. i think that she will like me too.

been workling on getting the bedroom clean. its an exhausting task. more than one days work. tomorrow i see my mom for her bday, which is monday, and for a goodbye since shes leaving for mexico for 3 weeks on tuesday.

dodger is leaving tuesday aswell. he is flying down to sf for a job interview. so wish him luck! this would be a good thing for him. fred is doing well. we are aquainting her with her harness in hopes of getting her able to be walked. hehe. silliness.
sarcasticsquirrel: (chuck pint_of_shame)
it was hard to leave dodger on xmas eve. even my mom felt bad about it. she gave him a gift...a paddle with a ball attached. mom and i watched some holiday movies and ate some snacky foods. we opened a couple gifts. then in the morning we opened the rest of the presents. my mom loved her linen place mats and napkins and she was very happily surprised by the dvd player i got her. she made breakfast. we talked to the relatives on the phone. we snacked on foods and made some cookies. then we watched a movie while she cooked teh ham and stuff. then we finished making cookies and she took me home. it was a really nice xmas. mom also got a juggling kit for dodger. what is her deal with juggling?

last night dodger and i went downtown and found that hive wasnt going on. that sucked. today i went to do some after xmas shopping. didnt get much. came home. had some hard times with dodger tonight but i think we are alright.

ok, so here is a list of the stuff i got for xmas. mikey posted his so that gives me permission right?

Read more... )
sarcasticsquirrel: (Default)
went to see my dad today. called from downtown to find out which bus and he wasnt even there. waited like an hour in pioneer place mall. then went to see my dad. walked in and the place was filled with the smell of freshly smoked pot. he washed my hair and then put the red celophane dye in it. it didnt turn out as bright as id hoped at all. then he trimmed it, and trimmed up my bangs. he gave me a hair treatment stuff and some shampoo and conditioner. then he spent some time lookin for his joint. finally i saw and pointed out that it was behind his ear the whole time. he was stoned the whole time he was doing my hair. he is going back into drug dealing. his ex wife used to snort coke when she was raising my little brothers when they were young. my mom would snort coke and smoke pot and drink. i see how my dad is and i wonder what would have happened if my mom hadnt changed her ways when she got pregnant? what would things have been like if she was a coke addict and a drinker and smoking pot and partying and not working enough and what would it have been like? my dad never did. my mom only did cuz she had me. but there are plenty of people for whom the birth of their child is not the wake up call it needs to be.
sarcasticsquirrel: (chuck pint_of_shame)
so im annoyed at something im seeing as a growing trend of the holidays. commercials for stores advertising gift cards. saying to people "oh no, dont bother putting any effort or thought into giving gifts to the people you love. just get them a gift card so they can get something they actually want. it shows you care enough to spend two minutes on their gift, instead of taking the time to think about something thoughtfull." when did we get this lazy and thoughtless? its appauling.

my friend from school, glitterophelia, was kind enough to bring me an extra fake tree she had. so now i have a tree! ive never had a fake tree before. its not as bad as it could be. im happy to have a tree. im working on shaping the branches a bit more before i put the lights on.

addressed all my xmas cards to send them out in the morning. wish id done it sooner.

i have a few left, so if you comment here with your address i will screen comments and send you a card!

well on saturday i helped my mom shop for the foster kids. and saw rent. which was excellent. have i posted about this already? sunday i went and saw my dad on hawthorne. my brothers were sposed to come but couldnt. it was good to see him. then the freezing rain started. it was cool to watch. and it snowed too. i shoulda gone home after that but i decided to do the shoot i had planned with john. went to buffalo exchange while i waited for him to come get me. got some great clothes. a cool skirt, a 60s dress that looks great on me, a striped sweater, and a corsety thingy. the skirt was the only thing over 10 bucks. i was happy. then john and i went to his place and did the shoot. he couldnt drive me home cuz he didnt have snow tires or anything. tried to catch the bus but it never came. went to get some pad thai and call a cab, couldnt get through. watched about a boy at his place and soaked my feet in a tub of hot water. tried the cab companies repeatedly. started all this about 6. got a hold of a cab around 1130pm. but right after that i got a ride from dodgers friend john. so i canceleed the cab. john picked me up and drove me home, stopped at the store, then he hung out with us and i stayed up and talked to him and watched foamy the squirrel stuff with him. dodger had gone to bed during star wars 3. then john crashed in the living room and i went to join dodger in bed. they had stuff to work on the next day. which they did. while i worked on my zoo. and i watched movies and tv. and we all went to burger king and then i mailed my present to my nana.

today, besides the arrival of my tree, i watched some star trek, addressed cards, and im going to try and get my moms presents wrapped and stick them under my tree. fred is enjoying laying under the tree.

tomorrow ill go run errands and then go see my dad. hes gonna trim my hair, put a red celophane dye on it, and give me a bunch of hair products. yay.

thursday im going with dodger to see jim. friday night im posing for a drawing group, im nervous about it. saturday night im going to my moms and making cookies and staying the night so that xmas we can do presents and movies and xmas music and food and calls to the relatives. yay.

what is everyone doing for the holidays?
sarcasticsquirrel: (sword or pistol carla_t)
well im back from seattle.

wednesday mom and mark showed up and we went to brunch. then mom and i fought traffic up to seattle. we went to the store before going in to my nanas. the deli guy hit on my mom hardcore. it was wierd. then we went to nanas. went and got fish and chips and milkshake and after dinner nana and i made the pumpkin pies.

thanksgiving had breakfast and gt ready, then my cousin johnny showed up. hes an alcoholic frat boy who has been kicked out of school and is taking one class right now and working and drinking too much. hes 4 months younger than me. a few hours later my aunt and uncle showed up. my uncle has never been anyone i liked. my aunt is cool though. well we all ploayed texas hold em all weekend. my mom was so fucking drunk on thanksgiving that she doesnt remember most of it. thanksgiving was lovely. and for the first time ever WE ATE ON TIME! at like 630.

friday aunt and uncle left and there was more card playing and then that night my cousin johnny left. then, while mom and nana and i were watching a movie there was a huge fight. my nana decided that i couldnt eat my own food or drink my own soda in her house cuz id been having too much sugar. first, i really hadnt been having that much. second, im the only one in the family who hadnt been fall on your ass drunk over this holiday. but third, and most important, im an adult. she doesnt tell anyone else what to do, including my younger cousin. i am the only one she feels she can do that to. thats not right. im 23 and if i want to drink a soda thats my fucking right. im not a child. and i resent being treated like one. my cousin is supported by his parents, he whines if his mom wont make his food for him, and hes treated as a man, even though he cant seem to keep from being drunk and committing numerous assualts that he hasnt been arrested for. i financially support myself, i take care of myself, im working, im in school. when do i get to be treated with respect? never apparently. its always been this way with my cousin being favored over me. i spent half my childhood in that spare room being punished for not being him.

well i called dodger, angry, and vented a bit. then i packed some of my stuff and got my clothes on and walked out. my mom and nana chased me down and my mom was standing in the door of the building asking me to come in and talk. my nana ran out and grabbed my arm and my purse strap. i turned around to get out of her grip and she yelled and said how dare i try to hit her. i told her i wasnt trying to, i was trying to get out of her grip. she wouldnt let go of my purse so i cussed her out until she let go then i walked off. i talked to dodger some more. i was thinking id head for the bus station and go home. but my mom called and tlaked to me and convinced me to home back and just go into the guest room and go to bed. so eventually i did. i didnt talk to my nana, i barely spoke to her this morning. then mom and i drove back here.
sarcasticsquirrel: (sword or pistol carla_t)
well in a few hours ill be off to seattle with my mom for thanksgiving. itll be me and her and my nana and my aunt and uncle and possible my cousin and his girlfriend. my boyfriend isnt welcome of course cuz mom would throw a fit. in fact my mother doesnt like anyone who will be at this gathering. so why is she going?

today dodger and i spent way too much time waiting on buses and crossing lights and stuff. but we went to the dollar tree and to food and i talked to fish and we went to wunderland where he showed off his talent at one of the games and i spent my time on skiball and the claw machines. i had a lot of luck and we both were very successfull. came out of there with a ton of stuff. yay. had a good time.

dyed my hair tonight. when it dries it should be a nice red over the brown, last a few weeks. im packing now in preperation of a noon departure. try not to miss me too much. and feel free to go to my info page and send me a text messege to my phone while im gone. ill be back friday. happy horrible holiday of death and deciete. hooray! mmm...dead bird.
sarcasticsquirrel: (evil bucky)
i called my mom tonight. i told her that nana has gone republican. ick. shoulda seen it comming when she voted for bush cuz he was the only one who could keep her safe from the terrorists.

i talked to mom, i asked her a favor. i asked if she would lend me the money for the std testing i need done. i looked and since my health insurance doesnt cover it planned parenthood wants to charge me like 100 bucks or something. and my mom accused me of being a hooker and thats wh i need the testing and i was like no this fucking rapist didnt use a fucking condom so dont yell at me. so then she tried to get me to give her the details of the rape. which i wouldnt. not with the additude shes been giving me. and she told me she wouldnt give me the money for the std tests. she said id just give it to dodger. which is totally stupid. then she said if he loves me hell get the money. then she told me she loves me and wants me to take care of myself and be safe. she has a fucked up way of showing it. she apparently doesnt care if i get tested for aids and shit. just on the off chance that i might buy dodger a burrito or something with it. which is retarded. i went to my mother looking for help to check things out and make sure that the damageg done to me was not more than it already has been. and she calls me a whore and yells at me and doesnt help me. shes a fucking monster and i hate her.

in related news i am considering going public on the damnportlanders community to try and raise money for the tests i need. from what i hear im too old for outside in to test me. at least last time i went in they told me 21 or under. if anyone else knows of a better idea let me know. im also taking donations. i dont like taking peoples money. but i think my safety is more important than pride or whatever bullshit.
sarcasticsquirrel: (punch god tigerlily_icons)
MY MOTHER MADE THE MISTAKE OF ATTACKING ME...ONLINE. THIS IS THE RESULT.


[21:54] brokenashleydoll: hey

[22:06] sducky55: change your name, it sounds dysfunftional, but i guess that woulf be your cry. you have many choices. goober.82, swimmer.82, poetress.82...

[22:07] brokenashleydoll: gee thanks

[22:08] brokenashleydoll: you could change your name so people dont think they are talking to ernie from seseame street

[22:10] sducky55: thanks.

[22:11] brokenashleydoll: hehe

[22:11] brokenashleydoll: so did you ever decide on your laptop decision? i cant remember if you wanted to get one online or through a store.

[22:12] sducky55: have you completed your essays for credit, or do you simply type for free...you have paid........

[22:12] brokenashleydoll: no i havent

[22:13] brokenashleydoll: you ever finish your thesis? you have paid

[22:13] sducky55: annie says "meow."

[22:14] brokenashleydoll: fred says mrooow *lick lick pounce*

[22:15] sducky55: you are in a very nasty mood. tired of supporting a looser....? out naked in the morning air must be difficult when "dodger" is warm in your bed....

[22:15] brokenashleydoll: no im just tired of you constantly being rude and degrading to me. i am your daughter, not osmeone for you to take your displeasure at life out on

[22:16] sducky55: dodger must be attempting to say something, however, not possible to with no teeth..........

[22:17] brokenashleydoll: no i am fully capable of thinking for myself in spite of the efforts youve made to ensure i wouldnt

[22:20] sducky55: i agree that you are a very intellegent and vibrant individual, however, you have made a "boner" choice and you know this. the question becomes, "how do i get out of this nightmare?"

[22:25] brokenashleydoll: i was very much ill prepared for life without your financial support. i think that is both our faults. i would have these bills with or without him. i do not see him as a nightmare, nor do i want out. i love him. i am happy with him. i do wish for more input from him on the financial end, but th4at looks to be falling more into place in the near future. he is not the choice you would have made for me, and things are not perfect, but i dont consider him a mistake. and i might add, he is a far better choice than my father, eddie, or hughie. you should look at your own choices. at least dodger is intelligent, sensitive, funny, and caring towards me. what did any of those people ever do for you? i may have inherrited your habit of bending over for people, but at least i choose the people more wisely.

[22:34] sducky55: ashley, you clearly need some time to make better choices. i, as your mother, who loves you very much, hope that you do well in life; in your choices. however, i also realize, (which is very difficult for a control freak) that time will be your measure. i'm always here for you, however, i have no intention to finacially support this individual in any way. i wish you good fortune, (and a shit load of insight).

[22:35] brokenashleydoll: i have insite. ive watched you. some life lessons need not be learned first hand. i realize you care, but as you said you are a control freak. and i need to live my own life.

[22:35] sducky55: indeed, point taken. good luck.

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