sarcasticsquirrel: (me glasses)
its that time of year again. my paid account expires in a little over a week. now who wants to buy me another year as an early birthday gift?

for dodger

Jun. 16th, 2006 09:11 pm
sarcasticsquirrel: (Default)





sarcasticsquirrel: (evil bucky)
i called my mom tonight. i told her that nana has gone republican. ick. shoulda seen it comming when she voted for bush cuz he was the only one who could keep her safe from the terrorists.

i talked to mom, i asked her a favor. i asked if she would lend me the money for the std testing i need done. i looked and since my health insurance doesnt cover it planned parenthood wants to charge me like 100 bucks or something. and my mom accused me of being a hooker and thats wh i need the testing and i was like no this fucking rapist didnt use a fucking condom so dont yell at me. so then she tried to get me to give her the details of the rape. which i wouldnt. not with the additude shes been giving me. and she told me she wouldnt give me the money for the std tests. she said id just give it to dodger. which is totally stupid. then she said if he loves me hell get the money. then she told me she loves me and wants me to take care of myself and be safe. she has a fucked up way of showing it. she apparently doesnt care if i get tested for aids and shit. just on the off chance that i might buy dodger a burrito or something with it. which is retarded. i went to my mother looking for help to check things out and make sure that the damageg done to me was not more than it already has been. and she calls me a whore and yells at me and doesnt help me. shes a fucking monster and i hate her.

in related news i am considering going public on the damnportlanders community to try and raise money for the tests i need. from what i hear im too old for outside in to test me. at least last time i went in they told me 21 or under. if anyone else knows of a better idea let me know. im also taking donations. i dont like taking peoples money. but i think my safety is more important than pride or whatever bullshit.

june 14th

Jul. 11th, 2005 06:59 pm
sarcasticsquirrel: (Default)
now to get back to the story of my trip to sf...

last night we watched gattica. talked about genetic stuff and kids. he went to smoke and when he returned my mind had travelled pretty far down the wrong way. i thought about how much i want kids, so much so that id been willing to have the child of a psychotic killer/chemist. then i was thinking how i shouldnt regret because if i had a kid i wouldnt have dodger. then i thought about how id be raising a 2 1/2 year old, brown hair, brown eyes, beautiful and toddling around. and i thought about how i wasnt able to stand up to my mom for the sake of the life of my child. dodger came back up and i was curled up on the bed. and he asked what was wrong and i asked him to just hold me. and he did. so i lay there in his arms while flashes of my abortion nightmares flipped throgh my head like changing channels paired with the sounds of creaming, and the dr. telling me it was over, and the sound of a tiny kid saying mommy. and i thought about how my mom had compared james to my dad and had tried to protect me from being her. and i thought about how she regrets me and thinks she would have had a better life without me and wouldnt be alone now. i cried in his arms till the blood vessels around my eyes broke leaving tiny red dots all around my eyes. and i cleaned up my face and i talked to dodger. i told him what was wrong, i talked through it. i said i hate my mama, which isnt true. feels like it sometimes though. and we tlaked about how i hadnt really freaked out all day and then instead of freaking out i cried and showed real grief. i had to explain that im not always as messed up as i have been in the last couple months. and he fucked me, my body pressed tummy down against the bed with him on top of me. and we cuddled and slept. now i am sitting in the sun in some square feeling alright, soaking up the nice weather, and watching toddlers toddle around. sent my mom a pic of me in the square here with sun and palm trees. she called and i talked to her and i think we are alright.
**********************************************

got lunch. came home and i did some online stuff. saw i got 2 A's and a C for spring term. also saw my bank account. my food stamps are gone, after everyting goes through...i spent my 560 in SSI, the 1000 from my mom, and am 1600 in debt on a 1700 limit credit card. i have a cell phone bill to pay of about 150 and another 100 to pay for the phone itself. need job. need porn sets accepted, need more ideas. need help. im so fucked and so scared. i know dodger feels bad. i didnt want him to see this. he shouldnt feel bad. i wanted to spoil him. i dont regret it. he doesnt think hes worth it but hes more than worth it. now to bleach my hair and watch secretary.
sarcasticsquirrel: (dont panic basilico)
i am having the worst day. i cant make anything work. im really frustrated. im really stressed out. and im depressed and just in an all together shitty mood.

and im still broke. i need to fix that.
sarcasticsquirrel: (home)
watching movies and doing laundry. leave in a few hours for seattle. i wont be around again till tuesday night. its funny, i feel bad leaving, like i should be glued to my computer screen, interacting the best i can with dodger. but i think that itll be good to get away. because ive been doing that so much, my entire social life consists of sitting here. my friends come over soemtimes but i sit here and tlak to them while i talk to dodger. i go to hive. where i miss him and get lectured by my friends. (btw im pissed im missing hive this week) i dont know what im doing with myself. except a big fat nothing. need to work on getting those naked for money jobs. need cash. now.

my back hurts and i have a new affinity for mobile homes.
sarcasticsquirrel: (crusifixion scrymnstrs)
i went to drop my math class. but they arent refunding for the class anymore. what the hell? they do that the first two weeks. this is monday of week two. im so fucked. i havent dropped it yet but im going to,. if i drop it early at least it wont effect my gpa. but my mom is gonna be pissed about eating the cost of the class.

dodger said that he has burned some bridges with the people that he sells his shit to. he said that if i sell the stuff for him to them then hed give me a little cash for it and i could pay my mom back that way. i dont know if im comfortable getting involved in all that.

and my mom will bitch but theres nothing she can do about this class money thing. honestly shes my mom and i know her, shell eat the cost and know thats just part of being my mom, that i do stupid shit and fuck up all the time.

in other news im glad i set an alarm today for 3pm cuz i was having a bad dream. dodger was mad and yelling at me. he really didnt like me. it was scary and i woke feeling sad.
sarcasticsquirrel: (breakdown)
i need help.

i am flat broke. more than i can ever explain.

checking: negative 29.41
savings: 2 cents
credit card: 8.50, 1,741.50 in debt
bills: 250.00 and climbing

i cannot go to my mother this time. for many reasons, only one of which is that she is in rome for another 3 weeks. i get my ssi money on the first and my food stamps, but thatll barely cover my bills for next month and maybe some food.

i dont know what to do. for once i have no one to turn to. im really fucked. no one is gonna bail me out.

help me. what do i do?

i have no self respect left. im taking donations, im taking advice, ill do whatever shit thing i need to do, ill fuck whoever i need to fuck, but i have to pull myself out of this and fast. yes, i meant that. ill do nearly anything or anyone. this is whats left of brokenashleydoll, pieces so broken, a child so broke that she is willing to sell off her body, her soul, the little respect she has for herself.

so help me.

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sarcastic squirrel

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