sarcasticsquirrel: (clem  skeleton theothernight)
i wrote this the first day of classes. i had been thinking of sitting in the restaraunt with peter the night before he left, experimenting with posture. thinking about how the more i fold in on myself emotionally, the more i stop speaking, stop verbalizing my thoughts and feelings and opinions, the more my posture folds in on itself as well.

my feet are shrinking
more and more,
shoulders stare longingly
at knees,
teeth hold back
thoughts
like prison gates,
keys are breaking
more and more,
my eyes are still speaking
but no one knows
the language.
sarcasticsquirrel: (purple crayon floating_icons)
i finished my book.  its being printed and mailed.  i couldnt afford to get them for my friends.  i got them for my family for xmas.  but you can check it out here!  and i know  few of you are fans of my writing.  the books are like 8 bucks if you want one.  but even if you dont want to buy one go look!

http://www.lulu.com/content/572056
sarcasticsquirrel: (help 5 cents smelltheflowers)
i still need one more poem to make my book long enough. im not sure what to write about though. everything im writing is such crap these days.
sarcasticsquirrel: (me eye the_dodger)
i look in the mirror
watching the colors mute.
i can no longer see the lines
of blood down my cheeks.
im letting you go,
hesitating before walking away.
my mind still screams
for you
and i no longer listen.
sarcasticsquirrel: (rape samantha-78)
i wrote this earlier and want some opinions on it. im not fond of it but i need some critisism...

sinking feelings
pushed away,
i had always been
chasing a trauma
i never thought id find.

silence
as my body is
manipulated,
silence
as i become more
uncomfortable.

you lifted me
to you,
then pushed me down
below expectations
into reality.

hands on my
mouth, neck,
my crying
stiffens you.

you leave your pleasure
on my leg
and hold me,
like chains around me
rather than
comforting arms.

i leave you
ice cream
and stained clothes,
'shaking as i
walk away.
sarcasticsquirrel: (spike loved aftersolong)
i few nihts ago peter was dressed up as the cutest bunny id ever seen. he was holding me close and dancing with me, looking into my eyes with that little rubber nose on. we went home and he rubbed my back and we cuddled and slept. the next morning we cuddled and kissed and lay there for a long time just snuggled and nice.

today we met after class. we had lunch at starbucks and then walked back to my place in the rain. he came up and sat on the bed. and he held my hand while telling me it wasnt working. and i cried and i begged him to give me another chance. and he said everything from i dont have intellectual conversations to the sex is boring. and i told him it can be different. there are a lot of things that i can change if i need to. if they are suggested. and im willing. i asked him to consider it. i cried and snotted all over myself. and i held him. clung and was afraid to let go. i showed him my penguin book. and held him more. and i gave him the bunny picture id gotten him for xmas. i think he liked it. i held him and he cried. id never seen him cry before. he has a vulnerability that seems very apparent to be but somehow less so to others. it would seem that would lend itself to crying easily but it doesnt. it broke my heart to see the tears on his cheeks and the red eyes as he walked out. but somehow it was comforting to know he felt it too, to know this mattered to him.

i just want him to come back. to tell me what needs changing and let me do it. i love him. i dont even know what to do with myself right now. im a total mess but i also feel myself shutting down like this is so crushing my mind cant handle it so ill detach from myself. id do almost anything just to have him call up and say he loves me and still wants to be with me. for him to hold me.

ive been having nightmares about him being mad at me or leaving me for weeks every night except last night. strange. and now hes gone.

i wrote this today:
i would like to say
i would never
beg you to stay
but we both know
i did
as the rain against the window
and the tears against my cheeks
had a steady rhythm,
clinging there,
safe in your arms,
my heart in pieces
at your feet.


i just want him to come back. i cant believe i lost him for good. i just want him back. ill be better this time.
sarcasticsquirrel: (fairy moon valo-queen)
surrounded
by fuzz
and fluff,
tiny black eyes

staring back at me.
some pant,
some meow,
some roar.
thers are silent
like i was
for so long.
sarcasticsquirrel: (me corner)
you took
my confidence,
my bravery,
my picture,
and my ice cream.

they took
my clothes,
my time,
pieces of my body,
my trust,
and my faith
in the system.

i gave
my trust,
my faith,
my voice,
up.

i traded them for
images,
fear,
and an added hardness
that i didnt need.
sarcasticsquirrel: (me corner)
i think it would be fun to have a book made on lulu.com. i was thinking of putting together some poetry an maybe some pictures to go with the poems. i coul afford to make a few copies but not many. but theni can have it up for sale on the website. so thats cool.

so what do you guys think? and would any of you be interestedin getting one if i were to do this? if anyone is i coul order it for you at cost instead of having you pay the higher price of buying it off the site.
sarcasticsquirrel: (Default)
you came here
to leave me.
in your arms
my salt leaked
into your pores.
i thought this might help,
a piece of me
flowing through you,
the salt of my body
resting in your heart.

i let myself feel again
for you,
that is how
i know the weight
of watching you leave,
i can feel it all.
sarcasticsquirrel: (love slushie moonfish)
you reached up in the air
and slowed down time
so i could coat my skin
with the feeling of your touch
and let your gaze
undress me,
leaving all my pain
in a pile on the floor.
sarcasticsquirrel: (me corner)
angels and safety pins,
scraps of poems,
pictures stuffed in boxes,
stolen crosses,
broken skin.

i lost someone,
everyone,
myself and everything about me
that made sense.
i woke up in this body
this girl isnt me,
i have been split
into two girls,
heart and head,
an the heart is
gagged and beaten.

i want to spin out of control
because feeling is better
than not feeling,
an not feeling
which is what i do when
im not freaking out.

ceramic angels,
safety pins,
razor blades,
colored hair
and broken glass,
shells and rocks
and im sorry
i cant find my way out.
sarcasticsquirrel: (speak cat madelitty)
ive been doing too much of that matchmaking sight shit out of boredom...






i was sifting through people
like they were only
words,
catagories,
pictures,
flat representations
of people
pretending to be
something presentable
to other equally
needy, lonely
people.
i disgaurded them
so casually,
they fell from my sight
like snowflakes melting
at my touch.
sarcasticsquirrel: (breakdown)
they used toxic liquid
to weaken my body,
my mind,
they used their drugs
to tie me down
and im not into bondage.

i wont be a prisoner
in my own body,
wont let them
try to soften my edges,
remove my ability
cut my way out
of my own mind,
all the screaming
and destruction.

they want to lock me in
but they cant catch me,
im looking back at them,
always running backwards,
staring at what
they did to me,
making sure they
never outsmart me.

the only weapon i have
is this broken mind,
and the fact that
i am willing to risk
my own destruction
to remain whole.
sarcasticsquirrel: (door)
coffee cans hold the past,
they erased you,
do you remember
who you are?
i wonder
do you hear
the screaming still,
did they burn
it out of you?
i never let them trap me,
rusted and soaked
in indifference,
you are free now,
they cant strap you down,
you are free.
sarcasticsquirrel: (broken jebrasaramean)
i was sifting through the lint
and dust and sand
in my pockets,
the feeling of it
under my nails
made me cringe.
on the floor i found you
half burried
in your own introspection
i watched you
walk from room to room
inside yourself
stopping to pick up
loose pieces
of secrets
youd left in corners
coughing up blood
and words
and anger.
i left,
i htought it best,
you needed to go unwatched
if you had any hope
of escape.
sarcasticsquirrel: (Default)
its like standing
on the edge of the ocean
as the water receeds
back towards itself
and as it rushes
from beneath your feet
you get the sensation
of moving backwards
without moving.
trying to go back
to before the damage
truly set in,
remembering more
than i do
most places,
regrets,
and people who disappear.
i wait for you,
wanting to explain it,
fearing the dark surrounding me,
wanting to show you,
this is my childhood,
this is my innocence,
this is what is left
of what they took from me.
sarcasticsquirrel: (cunt dissolvemyheart)
so content,
beautiful,
you look like
you are really
feeding off of me.
your mouth,
wet like me,
tongue thrusting,
fucking me
you feel so good
opening me,
red,strong, and wet
tasting me inside
then running up
to put my taste
in my mouth
and you inside me.
sarcasticsquirrel: (padme carmendove)
i think someone tipped
my heart,
it spilled,
salty,
down my cheeks,
im afraid
when it does that
it empties
a little
each time,
will i be
hallow
when its done?
will i grow empty?
is that when i
will die?

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sarcastic squirrel

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