sarcasticsquirrel: (buffy rape front_ier)
last week on thursday i was at school and i didnt know anything would be going on that way. there were booths in the park blocks and clotheslines with shirts. so i went back after class to look. the shirts were the clothesline project. the boothes were about take back the night. the shirts were from people who had been victims of sexual violence. take back the night is about ending sexual and domestic violence.

the shirts were hard to read. it hurt to see all that pain. i got a take back the night shirt, a safety whistle, and a button that says consent is sexy.

a lot of the time im ok. but i still dont know how to deal with the rape. and it comes up at random moments. like today zach and i were wrestling and he had his eyes wide and angry looking and he was holding my wrists and i was pinned down on the bed and i freaked. i didnt tell him why.

they had a booth where you could register your penis. guess it was saying that you promise not to harm people with it or something. peter seemed angry about this. i understood his point but i understood why they did it too.

there was a guy playing ani songs and other stuff, it was nice in a way.

i came back in the evening. listened to the speakers. the survivors telling their stories. that was hard. then i made a shirt for the clothesline project and hung it up. that was also hard. and i put some really personal stuff up there. then i sat and listened to more of the speakers and tim met me and held my candle for me cuz im afraid of fire.

that was a hard night. i still need to deal with a lot of this. im still hurt and afraid.
sarcasticsquirrel: (buffy rape front_ier)
i got a 46% on my stats test. boo!

i had my last rape support group. i enjoyed meeting the other women but im glad the group itself is over.
sarcasticsquirrel: (v enthusiasticons)
so i got handed something at school today. it was paper that said "silence does not mean yes! no means no. only yes means yes. get consent!" thats fine. but on the back of the folded paper it says "the power to prevent rape is in your hands" so im thinking what is in here? and i open it and its a condom. this pissed me off. condoms dont prevent rape. knowing how to keep yourself safe, trusting your insticts, and possibly weapons or being strong enough to beat the shit out of your attacker can preent rape. condoms just make it "safe rape". i didnt say anything. i just took it and left. i know they are trying to help but condoms dont do a damn thing against rape. might as well have said "be prepared, have a condom for your rapist."
sarcasticsquirrel: (dance miss_anulka)
i totally bombed my test. ouch.

got my season one of fraggle rock in the mail. yay. thank you dodger!

talking to someone bout doing a bondage shoot but not sure im comfortable with it.

peter called for me to a place for group counceling for the rape. i need to be screened.
sarcasticsquirrel: (rape samantha-78)
if i had known how well the system worked i would have taken those offers to have that fucker dealt with in a non legal manor.

he is free. an most likely hurting other women. a man who cant get it up until the girl is crying is not out there having healthy consentual sex.
sarcasticsquirrel: (me corner)
you took
my confidence,
my bravery,
my picture,
and my ice cream.

they took
my clothes,
my time,
pieces of my body,
my trust,
and my faith
in the system.

i gave
my trust,
my faith,
my voice,
up.

i traded them for
images,
fear,
and an added hardness
that i didnt need.
sarcasticsquirrel: (safe hitchhiker insidethebox)
my back hurts.

there are a lot of things that happened when i got raped that i think were wrong. and i dont just mean the rape itself. or the fact that he didnt use a condom. or the fact that he acted like he hadnt raped me, like id been into it.

first of all i am mad at myself. i didnt follow my gut. i put myself in a risky situation. i had been putting myself in risky situations for years thinking that id never get hurt. part of me wanting to get hurt. this time i wasnt even wanting to get hurt, but i wasnt being safe. also, i did not fight back as hard as i could have, as i should have. i said no. i pushed and cried an screamed. but i didnt punch him or bite him or anything like that. i was too afraid of not getting out of there alive. too afraid to fight more to make him stop.

enough about me. the cop. she talked to me like i was a whore. she treated me badly, looked down on me. talked to me in a way that no one should talk to another person. in a way that no cop should speak to a victim. ive never liked cops and i like them less now.

the advocate lady that was there at the hospital. she promised id get a call the next day teling me about the services avaiable to me. so i coul go to a support group an a bunch of other shit. i never heard from her again.

my mother. she asked what i was wearing to make it happen. she came to pick me up and proceeded to yell at me the whole way home. when i asked her a few days later for money for std testing she said no because if i hadnt been WHORING MYSELF i wouldnt nee to get tested. she wasnt there for me. she made me feel worse about myself and the situation. she blamed me.

the DA. he treated me like a whore. he talked to me like an idiot. he didnt ever tell me what was going on. when i finally went to see him months later after john found out who had my case he said they dont call the people who they decide not to take their case because the people tend to get upset. he wrote up his report inaccurately. he told me that the naked pictures taken of me were consent for the rape. this is the head DA for the sexual assualt and domestic violence unit of multnomah county.

theres something else. its not really anyones fault. i didnt freak out right away after i was raped. a lot of you said if i didnt it would come stronger later, be harder when i dealt with it later on. that is what has happened in the last 2 months. dodger was so relieve when i didnt break down. told me how good it was. talked about how strong i am and how the years of fucked up past made me able to not be very effected by this. i was very effected by this. but he was so relieve i wasnt breaking own that when i started to i felt like i couldnt show it. so i hid it. i started having flashbacks and panic attacks. i woul sit rocking an shacking curle up on the floor of the bathroom in the dark when he was sleeping. and then i pushed it all down inside me because i didnt feel like i could tell anyone i wasnt handling it. then recently it all came to bite me in the ass. i have nightmares and flashbacks an i freak for no reason.

ive change over the last year. i dont trust people anymore. i dont give them the benifit of the doubt. i dont love people for being people. i ont even like people anymore most of the time. and i dont care about the people im not close to like i used to. and i dont feel safe.

i do have to say that when it all happened my friends were great. many of you were on my friends list at the time. the comments and support were much appreciated. it was really helpfull. i dont want you guys to think that none of that got through. i love you guys. you hellp me.

im not ok. im paranoid and scared and i cant shake the flashbacks and the fear. i need to do something. but what?
sarcasticsquirrel: (rape samantha-78)
a year ago i be getting raped right now i think. or let go about now. im ok i think. i dunno.
sarcasticsquirrel: (rape samantha-78)
im considering getting one of those personal alarm thingies. the kind you can set off if youre in trouble an they are really fucking loud.

this day could be worse. going out in a bit to make myself leave my bed. ive been really tired lately. going to go get a new build a bear. seems i do that when things go badly. i have a my relationship with dodger ended an my whole life is being altered cow, an i fucked up my birth control an have to take the ecp bear, an today im off to pick up a i got rape an dont feel safe anymore bunny. blah.

tonight i plan on sitting down an reading some of the stupid recovery book i got at powells and watching speak cuz its the least upsetting movie i have that has rape in it. and i think ill try an write. i dunno.

i think that today itself isnt going so badly. things have not ben goo for me though. im not coping.

i also think i coul use a new therapist. a better one. and possibly some meds. i need to take care of myself and i just havent been.
sarcasticsquirrel: (me blue naked)
havent hear on the apartment yet. monday should know for sure. so behind on packing. cant even deal with it. grr.

said goodbye to peter tonight. hell not be back till next sunday. sadness. i did the clingy girlfriend thing. i can be really annoying. i just dont like the fact that i wont see him for a week.

tomorrow it will be one year since ive been raped. im not looking forward to spending the day alone in my room. but no better option has opened up as of yet.

not much else going on. looking forward to being moved. nervous about school starting. consiering watching secretary tonight. and possibly sweet november. im such a girl. i miss my blue hair. damn getting a normal job. btw i made a new icon...see!
sarcasticsquirrel: (rape samantha-78)
i still hate my life. an i have watche my temper an i am afrai that if i ever have kids i will hit them. i alreay hit an yell at my cat when im upset. i ont feel qualifie to own a pet much less take care of a human. without having kis or ever having a career the only thing i could ever get that i actually want is to get married. but knowing me if i o manage to get married itll be to an asshole. i ont have the best taste and the only person who woul stay with someone as unhappy as me has to have real flaws. and thinking that the only thing i have to possibly look forward to is marraige makes me feel like im int he 50's, only with birth control.

i want to be a writer but i dont write anymore. i want to make my own clothes an take pictures and o a million other things i never do. and im wasting my mind. i can feelmy life going to waste every day but i cant seem to make the changes in myself i need to make that different.

i learned a long time ago that 90% of the people i meet (an thats a conservative estimate) only care about my looks. they think im cute, hot, pretty, whatever an they either want to be aound me for that or even worse, they have no interest in my company if im not going to fuck them.

a little over a year ago i took the fact that the only thing i feel i have to offer is my body and an the fact that i have no marketable skills an i turned to modeling. it seeme like itd be easy and possibly fun. i gained confidence in myself and my appearance. i usually dont like how i look. but i felt pretty and good about myself. an the minute that happened and i started dressing to match how i felt someone came along and raped me.

an i was back at square one, right where i was in high school. feeling like i wante to be ugly so i could be safe. i use to try and scar my face just so i wouldnt have to fear men attacking me. i figure i be left alone if i was unappealing. im trying very hard now to balance looking good and not looking too good. nice jeans are ok. a short skirt no longer is. an that fucking sucks. the fact that someone can make me feel this way isnt right. the fact that i have to look in the mirror and wish i were repulsive because i fear for my safety is wrong.

i remember when i realized during the rape that i couldnt push him off of me. i never stopped pushing at him or screaming or trying, but i remember tightening my vagina to try and get him off faster. so it would be over sooner. that felt like giving in, it felt like giving up. i was still crying an pushing, but i was helping him. an that felt like i was saying it was ok. like i made it my fault, like i said ok, do this to me.

on september 17th it will be one year since i was raped. and i am going to be alone. at least i canceled my modeling job for the day. id like to say ive quit entirely, but i know that until i find a good job i wont stop modeling becuase i ont want to be broke and struggling constantly. that wont make me happy either. but im not taking any new clients. ever again. i want out and ill get out as soon as i get myself set up.
sarcasticsquirrel: (buffy rape kindofavri)
ive decided i preffer sitcomes to reality. i was watching conviction's season finale. it was good and it had that nice happy closure we humans like so much. then after the credits the news person said a mother stabbed her infant to death guess who else was in the house? and i was like hmm. can i go back to the fictional world? so much less cruel.

i was talking to the womens crisis line people who were at school the other day and took their literature. i know ive been having problems. i know that i pretended to be fine after i got raped. and that seemed to make everyone so relieved? even i didnt realize what it would do to me long term. and i dont feel like i can talk to anyone. ive distanced myself from basically everyone. i barely talk to anyone anymore. i dont really go out. i hate the modeling, i feel dirty. i dont like most people anymore and i dont have the compassion i once had for people. ive grown cold and detached. im considering some sort of group or something. my therapist is pretty worthless. where are all those people that offered to kill that raping bastard? after the DA told me that the naked pix of me implied that my body was a free for all for the taking im not so opposed to the idea.

so its looking like im prolly not getting into san francisco state. im looking at going to art school for a while and doing fashion design. im scared but i think it might be good for me.
sarcasticsquirrel: (bender faded laundry_scene)
so i was thinking that maybe some crazy people the only difference is that they are less embarrassed. like havent you ever wanted to sing but were out in public so you didnt? do you ever talk to yourself at home? its like if you take away the rules that society has for things like that and make it so you wouldnt be embarrassed youd be like many crazy people on the street. or maybe im just closer to that crazy line than others...

i used to be able to go somewhere and flirt and make half the guys there want to go home with me. i used to be able to seduce people. and its not like that anymore. it makes me sad sometimes. i dont even remember really what i used to do. i think i moved differently, talked differently. i think i acted differently towards people. i think after i got raped i stopped acting the same. i think my behavior as far as moving and flirting and such changed a lot. but i miss the attention now.

people used to tell me how strong i am. and im not as strong as they thought. but i am strong. but i think my strength and my ability to survive came from a great love of people. i feel like im losing my compassion and my love for people. i find that these days i dont like most people. i dont trust them. they annoy me. and i dont care as much about helping people sort things out and being supportive and listening to people. i dont know whats happened to me.

i found out recently that i was lied to. i will never be able to get my record expunged. career-wise this will be a big issue. at the age of 17 i sealed my fate. i will be labeled a violent felone forever. and i dont think thats fair.
sarcasticsquirrel: (padme carmendove)
i have been modeling. done some good shoots. and ive been doing school. ive been struggling with it. and ive been worrying about next year, about whether im even going tog et into any 4 year schools and whether im going to do ok at one if i do. i am not terribly optimistic about it.

i have been budgeting, financing, ect. ive been trying to make sure that im paying shit off and still leave myself some spending money.

i have been oplaying with the new hammy. she is a happy, hyper, soft little thing. she lets me pet her and occassionally hold her. shes a bit squirmy and a little skiddish still.

dodger and i have been hanging out, going oout to eat, ect. its been nice. i love him and i like spending time with him.

sometimes dodger says things and doesnt think about how theyll make me feel. we were talking at one point and he refered to my life as tragic. i dont think my life has been tragic. i dont think its been anywhere close. i havent always been happy, ive made bad choices. but its not like ive gone through some horrible lifetime channel drama. and the other day he said something about how raping someone is worse than killing them. that the persons whole life from then on is ruined. that it would be better to be dead. and he didnt seem to understand why i got upset. why i didnt want to hear that.

ive been depressed lately. i get like that. and its been heightened by the worrying about school and by the whole moving thing. which brings me to the next part.

dodger went to sf on vday for a job interview for a pragrammer job with at&t. well, he got it. yay for dodger! totally deserves it. i knew hed get it. and it pays very nicely so he wont have to worry about paying rent and such and he can get an ipod and new teeth and a computer ect.

im worried. he is leaving in a couple weeks. and im going to be here for a few more months. eally dont even know how long ill be here. it looks like i have to pay for my own move so i will need to save up some cash. and i have to wait for dodger to move out of whatever place he gets right now and into one thats for both of us. i dont like the thought of siting up here alone. but i dont have a lot of choice. if it goes past june ill have to find a new place to live cuz thats when the lease isujp and jess will be going back to salem for the summer.

my mom is in mexico. saw her before she left. she told me i am mean and cruel. i told her shes getting turkey neck. she doesnt like me. fine. i dont like her either.

i guess im just not having a good time right now. nothing is going right and i cant figure out where my life is going or what ill be doing a month from now. and i cant speak out loud about anything involving moving or whats going to happen or when or how or whatever because dodger gets annoyed and doesnt want me to talk about any of it. im not even sure he wants me to go down there. i dont know what im doing anymore.
sarcasticsquirrel: (lightening organicdesigns)
went to the DA's office the other day with john. i was nervous. we went there and found the guy that i needed to talk to. he was definitly the politician type. so this is what he told me.

he rejected my case. he closed it the same day he got it. that was 4 months ago. he never bothered to call and tell me. so ive been waiting around for months and they were never going to tell me. he said that the detective probably didnt return my calls cuz he didnt want to tell me either. he says that he tends not to inform the people as much when they reject the cases cuz the people tend to be upset. thats real fucking nice.

then he talked to me about my case. he read me the write up he did when he closed the case. it was full of errors including getting my age wrong. incompetence. then he told me that anyone that would respond to a flyer, go to a guys house, and have those pictures taken he couldnt go to court with. he said that in the pictures it sure looked like i was consenting. he treated me like trash. he treated me like a whore. then he said hed send me the paperwork to get my clothes back. got the name of the guy who raped me. im talking to a lawyer about a civil suit.

dodger thinks i should sue the DA's office for how my case was handled. but i dont think im up for that. im angry though. they had no right to be so rude to me, no right to ignore me. they might as well have raped me all over again.

john and i went and got fish and chips and went bowling afterwards. he was really nice to do all thsi with me. i could tell he was nervous too. he beat me at bowlling. grr!
sarcasticsquirrel: (basketcase julia_ma)
just because i dont talk about things doesnt mean that im handling them well. it doesnt mean i dont cry and cringe and feel horrible and scared in private.

ive been really depressed lately. and im tired of allt hese headaches.
sarcasticsquirrel: (emily heart grafittoinou)
i was watching one of those fucking movies i always watch. i always watch depressing dramas. blah. but anyways the girl in it got raped.

unlike her i didnt hide the fact that i got raped. i did pretend that it doesnt bother me though. i act like it doesnt effect me. and everyone around me seems to have forgotten it ever happened.

i can still feel myself pinned down and fighting. but i cant talk about it. i cant discuss it with people really. i mean, i cant bring it up. and i feel stupid. maybe if i start screaming on the outside too then people around me will realize i didnt just go to be dthat night and wake up fione the next day.

and i feel like everyone just blew me off, like everyone just ignored it. no one did anything. i dont know how many times i have to call the fucking detectives and shit. no one will call me back. i dont know which DA person has my case. im being ignored. they are doing nothing, telling me noting, and wont even answer my calls. what do i have to do, go into the DA's office and start screaming until someone listens to me? i would just get arrested.

no one is listening. and im not healing.
sarcasticsquirrel: (l & o lupinskitty)
i was adding schools to my user info through that school thing. they didnt have rosemont. haha. big surprise. ive been thinking about aurda the last few days. makes me wonder if im going to run into her. doubt it htough. havent seen her in 4 years.

i called the detective again to see if he can light a fire under the DA's ass, or at least find out whats going on. if they arent going to do anything they could at least tell me. or gimme my clothes back. fucking cowards.

i act like i dont, but i do feel it, it does affect me. i know that. and sometimes more than others. and then i get irritable and i dont want to be touched and i feel freaked out. and ive been watching a lot of law and order lately cuz jess got 2 more seasons on dvd and some of those episodes make me feel it more. for some raeson they affect me more than the sex crimes law and order show, i think because in the regular show, back before the svu show, they didnt handle things as sensitively.

i know that the cop thought id asked for it. she asked me what id expected to happen, like id agreed to it. then totally wrote me off when i told her im mentally ill and dont take meds. fuck the system. the detective was nice, but then he never called me back. the DA never bothered to contact me at all. i dont even know which person has my case. hopefully someone will fucking call me this time. not that i think that a trial would make things better or would be easy. but i want to know whats going on and i dont like feeling like im being written off. ive had enough of that in my life.

and i dont want to be affected by it anymore. but i know that i cant change that. it just sucks. i dont want it popping in my head and making me feel like shit. i want it to stop.
sarcasticsquirrel: (dark prison starry_nightx)
had an arguement with dodger about my last post. he said that i should call the DA's office. he doesnt understand. i have such a hard time making phone calls even when i know what to say and who to talk to. but to call up and be like um...this is my name and i got raped and i have no clue who has my case or whats going on...i cant do that. if i could make phone calls id have my teeth fixed and my eyes checked and a primary care dr.

then i said it was better this way. that its a he said she said case and id only be humiliated by going to trial. and thats when he got angry. said i might as well put up a web site that says rape is ok. he doesnt get it.

there is no evidence. i cant prove anything. i look bad for many reasons. whether its fair or not the reason i was there (the nude modeling) wont look good. beyond that he touched me in ways i didnt like before he attacked me. and i didnt leave cuz i was too scared of saying something. then there is the fact that i am what is generally refered to as an unreliable witness. i am mentally ill, not on meds, and a convicted felone. i dont look good in court. and i tried to explain to him that my whole life ive never been believed about anything. no one has ever taken me seriously. everyone in any position of power has told me that my perceptions of reality arent real. and now i am supposed to go to court and be in a situation where its my word against someone elses? with no physical evidence? ill be torn apart on the stand.

but he is angry. because i wont go hunt down a DA to find out whats going on. im willing to go to trial. but i dont want to go hunting for whoever has my case so they can tell me they have nothing to prosecute on.
sarcasticsquirrel: (chandler nightmare tenneillybums)
i have called the detective who was assigned to my rape case several times. when i could get a hold of him he told me he would find out if this was going to trial. but then h doesnt call back. ive tried more than once. i think no one wants to tell me they arent going to prosecute.

see its my word against his. i told them what happened. i did the exam. i told them where he lived. they talked to him. and they didnt arrest him. cuz he said i consented.

screaming how he was hurting me and i wanted him to stop isnt consent. him with his hand on my neck to keep me down isnt consent. him having to tell me repeatedly to shut up cuz he was afraid someone would hear isnt consent. and they arent gonna do shit.

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sarcastic squirrel

January 2017

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