sarcasticsquirrel: (clem  skeleton theothernight)
i just organized all my clothes. i have a lot of fucking clothes. these werent even the ones that im storing cuz they are for winter. and to think i got rid of like 3-4 garbage bags of clothes before i moved.

so my room is done and it looks nice. and on the 24th i am going down to san francisco to visit dodger and go eal with school stuff for fall. i am looking forward to seeing dodger. is there anyone who could drive me to the airport on monday the 24th? its an 8pm flight so i want to get there at 7.

well i havent been getting much work and im pretty broke. which fucking sucks. all my money is going into the application fee for school. my slleep schedual has been really messed up. ive been getting up between 4-9pm and going to be between 6-10am. ugh.

i havent been doing much. ive been sitting around watching movies mostly. an i still go to buffy at the mission theatre every monday night. ive mae some new friends. serenity is a sweety. she is fun to hang out with and she goes to buffy with me which is fun.

my other new friend is peter, jays roomate. weve been talking online and we hung out thursday night. we talked and went to sharis and then hung out some more. he is good to talk with and hang out with. he is cute too. =)
sarcasticsquirrel: (home)
i missed the 1pm bus by 20 minutes. this would prove even more problematic than originally suspected. took a 430pm bus out of portland. left micah my keys. oh, backtracking, micah took me to teh e.r. the other night to make sure i was alright. i am. then he took me home and i was so tired but i knew i wanted to leave the next day so i had him take my keys so he can feed fred and water the plants. anyways, got on the bus. made it a little past salem when the air compretion system or whatever got a hole in it and the airstarted to leak out, making the breaks less than effective. so we went back to salem and had to wait a bunch for a new bus. i am freaking out about missing my connecting bus from sacramento. dodger has no phone turned on. so i get a guy who is getting of in eugene to email dodger telling him to call me and find out when ill be in s.f., since it wont be 9am as planned. also i talk to micah who emails him aswell. so, running three hours late. and the dinner stop at 1am is taco bell, which i hate, and i felt gross afterwards. most of the bus people are annoying, except my seatmate, a nice bot from england doing some summer traveling. well the rest of teh trip is alright. i get a seat to mself a few hours before getting to sacramento, and manage 4 hours of sleep. i feel good. i get a bus quickly after getting there and arrive actually at 945am, only 45 minutes late. i set my stuff down within eyeshot. and i stood waiting for dodger. then he finally came up the escelator. and i was happy to see him. but it felt weird too. after so much time of not seeing him it was strange. but we hugged, standing there a long while holding each other. and kissed for the first time in over a month. and then we took my stuff up to his dorm. we talked. my mom hates him with a passion and the feeling is mutual.

oh, yes, backtracking again. went out with my mom the day i wasnt feeling well. helped her find a laptop she is going to get next week. had dinner. she ranted about how much she hates dodger and i told her im still with him and i stood up for him best i could. and she was a totaly bitch. i went back to her place and helped her with some stuff. and she fave me presents from italy. and i told her how i was bleeding and not feeling well. and she ranted about how i cant have kids with dodger, i have to have them with someone she respects. it was awful. i was so angry. she took me home. then i walk in to realize that my fucking computer is dead. the doom hamster is no more. and that im not getting my moms old desktop machine for another week. so i borrowed a laptop from leanne and talked to dodger at her place. then micah took me to the e.r. where i had a cathater put in and it was horrible and humiliating. and i had a pelvic done...in front of micah. that was uncomfortable.

back to my story. so dodger and i get up to his place and a few minutes later gir (ecco) knocks on the door. and i come to the door a minute later and shes like omg. hehe. so she hangs out. and dodger is all headachy and grumpy. and im being mean because i got there and everything felt weird and i felt really out of place and like he has a life here and im just in the way. and i walked him to class. and then i was stuck for 5 hours in a city i dont know well with no money and im cold. so i try to get in the un and out of the wind. first at a bus stop, then on the steps of a church. i huddle up inside my hoody and drink a soda i had in my purse and cut on my arm and press my arm against the stone of the church and leave blood prints. and i talk to scott on the phone and i talk with shawn, my friend in s.f. that was formerly a portland resident. and i sit, huddled in my hoody, cold and listening to my dying headphones. then a crazy guy sat next to me and asked me things then forgot and asked me again. and he said he was a millionair. and he gave me a dollar, which i took. and he told me to take good care of my boyfriend and that dodger is very lucky to have me.

after that i had to pee so i went downtown and went to wendys and used that dollar and some change i had and got a burger that i didnt finish and used their bathroom. then i walked back up and sat outside of dodgers class building in the sun and it was warmer now and he came out after a while. and we went home and got naked and cuddled and then he ate and we went to sleep. somewhere in there i went unresponsive cuz i was feeling really violent and i didnt want to hurt him, id already hurt him and wanted to stop. and he got sad and said he makes me worse, but thats not true. really its that i freak out in different ways around people than i do on my own. i tend to show more obvious symptoms. and theres reasons for that. because thats the only way most of the time that i can communicate. when its online i can type things, but in person i cant talk about things. i also dont respond well to stress or change. both of which ive had a lot of lately. he said something at some point also about fooling everyone into thinking hed changed. and i didnt know him before but when he was describing how he is and how he was seeming to be different and how hed fooled everyone i was thinking. he never fooled me. i knew how he is and who he is, i could tell from the start. and i love him. i love hiim just as he is now. and if he changes ill still love him. but i dont need him to change. i love him so much just the way he is. we slept. and this morning we cuddled. and then we went sopping for food. and now we are about to leave again and come back and do laundry. and work. yes.
sarcasticsquirrel: (home)
i am going to san francisco to be with dodger. i am leaving today. goodbye.

june 17th

Jul. 11th, 2005 10:23 pm
sarcasticsquirrel: (Default)
its just after midnight, friday morning. the countdown is getting nearer. today i woke up, he was on the phone. he talked to jim, his best friend. he approves of me. thats good. dodger and i made love and went back to sleep. ecco came by later. we got up. we hung around for a bit. then we went wandering around. we ended up back donwtown and we got lunch. it was cooler and grey and damp today, just like home. it was depressing somehow. before we had left dodger made a comment in lucas's journal on a public post about a locked post that he saw through my friends page. why? because lucas was being an ass and talking about dodger behind his back. so tons of text messeges and a phone call and an email later lucas and i are still fighting. but im putting it on hold to spend what little time i have left with dodger. i put the pink in my hair. im letting it set in. things are so close to the end. in two days ill be sitting in the bus station. i dont know how im going to handle this, or rather, if i can.
********************************************
he is on the computer. he was the one who put the dye in my hair for me. it was really nice and sorta comforting to have him squishing the stuff on my head. my heart is sinking, burning alive in the stomach acid that is churning about down there so painfully. he is excitedly talking about class scheduals and getting a credit card. i am dreading going home and starting school again. i dont know how ill concentrate and handle it. ill just be trying to survive. hes planning walking routes to class now. rippy the razor says do something right for once in your life.
********************************************
i flipped out a bit last night. i heard a phone ringing in my ear that wasnt there. then plugged my ears and rocked back and forth. at some point he turned from his computer and noticed. he tried to comfort me. i went limp and i was out. he layed my dye covered head on the towel and tried to tlak to me. suddenly instead of calm inside i heard screaming in my head. it was so real. i started to hyperventilate. that is not normal during limp phase. he freaked out. eventually he lifted me to sitting and my head tipped back and i stopped. i breathed slowly and not very deeply. my tongue was stick, dry, to the back of my throat and on either side of it pooled saliva. eventually that dripped down my throat past the stuck tongue and i began to choke. he freaked out. he had had me treated for shock and was laying with me and my eyes had opened. so when i was choking my eyes were very wide. he sat me up and all the spit fell out my tipped down head and over my front and i could breathe. but holding me sitting he had my head back more. the screaming continued in my head along with flashing images of blood and large shiny kitchen knives. i kept choking on spit and my own tongue. he was freaking out and thought i was making death rattles. he thought i was dying. i felt awful for him. i needed him to tip me forward. he didnt. eventually i came out of it and went into the bathroom to spit out all the saliva. with it came blood. that freaked me out. dodger was curled up on the bed. i comforted him best i could and we talked. then we went to the store. i washed the dye out of my hair first. he went down to smoke. i didnt want to be alone but didnt tell him. on the store trip a guy yelled and scared me. on the way back i was thinking about how i let people control me and not treat me as equal cuz i always thought i deserved it cuz i act like a little kid and cant take care of myself. but he doesnt do that. we ate and went to sleep. today he woke up and we went back to sleep but i didnt want to. felt like it was wasting time. but he was out. so i got online a minute. then i crawled in bed with him and held him knowing tomorrow night i have to say goodbye. i held him and cried. he turned over out of my grasp and mumbled about llamas and i cried more and moved to cling to him again. soon he woke and held me. weve laid around and talked and had sex and cuddled. now its time to go out and find where his classes will be.
**********************************************
walked around. found one of his classes. went to china town and did the cheesy photo booth. went downtown and ate at wendys. hen we walked home. tlaked to my mom. shes leaving for rome in the morning. talked to mark, her friend. gonna hang out with him, help him find housing. now for my last night with dodger.

june 16th

Jul. 11th, 2005 09:05 pm
sarcasticsquirrel: (Default)
finished the incredibles. tried to check my email to find we werent online anymore. dodger was like move move get up get up and i scurried off towards the bed. i listened to him get pissed at the computer. at one point during the movie hed kinda gotten annoyed with me and when i withdrew away he was like i am not going to abuse you. well on one level i believe him. on another when he gets uupset it frightens me and i believe everyone has it in them to hurt me. ive only dated one guy who did, a long time ago. he would hit me so the older boys would think he was cool. my friends said it wasnt that bad. so i stayed, hell i stayed with him a second time after we broke up. well i got up and went to the bathroom. then i hid under the sink. figured id take space while he calmed down. he came in and found me curled up under the sink. he got really stern with me. kept touching me even though i cringed. kept telling me to get back in the bedroom, kept being mad. i only got more frightened. i wanted to obey so hed stop but i needed space to crawl away. finally he left and i shut the light off and crawled out. buthe met me in the hall and i cringed away. gave me images of crawling, backtracking away from ym mom while she screamed how she was gonna beat the shit outta me. well he backed off and i crawled into the bedroom and into the closet where i shut the door. i hid. he said something about thinking he was the one i wasnt scared of but guess not. my heart dropped. i know he wouldnt hurt me, yet i fear it anyways. he left to smoke. heard him closing the front door and knew he was on the other side of the wall. pressed my open hand against the wall and whispered i love you. when he came back i opened the closet door and let him come to me. i think we will be ok. i feel bad. he doesnt deserve my fear.

june 15th

Jul. 11th, 2005 08:15 pm
sarcasticsquirrel: (Default)
we watched secretary. had sex, cuddled, went to sleep. today we went to china town for lunch. i stabbed my food with chopsticks. told him id erase all picture evidence of me off the computer and make sure he has no pictures of me. i held his hand walking back. thinking ive only known him like two months but hes become the center of my whole life and i cant imagine life without him. i dont know how i can go home and be so far away from him. how can i not see him, hold him, touch him, kiss him? i cant imagine it.
**************************************************

he was sposed to draw me naked. i hate how i look. i freaked and he felt bad. so he couldnt do it and i felt awful. he thinks im beautiful the same way i think he is. we are watching the incredibles. i said watching the kids made my tubes tie themselves. ended in him getting bitter about the bitch who took off with his kid. i shulda acted better. i told him if he were raising a kid he wouldnt be here at school or anywhere else he wants to be. i dont see him being happy raising kids and being settled. i dont think he will ever want the kind of life i want. question is can i give it all up for him and be happy. the nightmares still flash in my head.

june 14th

Jul. 11th, 2005 06:59 pm
sarcasticsquirrel: (Default)
now to get back to the story of my trip to sf...

last night we watched gattica. talked about genetic stuff and kids. he went to smoke and when he returned my mind had travelled pretty far down the wrong way. i thought about how much i want kids, so much so that id been willing to have the child of a psychotic killer/chemist. then i was thinking how i shouldnt regret because if i had a kid i wouldnt have dodger. then i thought about how id be raising a 2 1/2 year old, brown hair, brown eyes, beautiful and toddling around. and i thought about how i wasnt able to stand up to my mom for the sake of the life of my child. dodger came back up and i was curled up on the bed. and he asked what was wrong and i asked him to just hold me. and he did. so i lay there in his arms while flashes of my abortion nightmares flipped throgh my head like changing channels paired with the sounds of creaming, and the dr. telling me it was over, and the sound of a tiny kid saying mommy. and i thought about how my mom had compared james to my dad and had tried to protect me from being her. and i thought about how she regrets me and thinks she would have had a better life without me and wouldnt be alone now. i cried in his arms till the blood vessels around my eyes broke leaving tiny red dots all around my eyes. and i cleaned up my face and i talked to dodger. i told him what was wrong, i talked through it. i said i hate my mama, which isnt true. feels like it sometimes though. and we tlaked about how i hadnt really freaked out all day and then instead of freaking out i cried and showed real grief. i had to explain that im not always as messed up as i have been in the last couple months. and he fucked me, my body pressed tummy down against the bed with him on top of me. and we cuddled and slept. now i am sitting in the sun in some square feeling alright, soaking up the nice weather, and watching toddlers toddle around. sent my mom a pic of me in the square here with sun and palm trees. she called and i talked to her and i think we are alright.
**********************************************

got lunch. came home and i did some online stuff. saw i got 2 A's and a C for spring term. also saw my bank account. my food stamps are gone, after everyting goes through...i spent my 560 in SSI, the 1000 from my mom, and am 1600 in debt on a 1700 limit credit card. i have a cell phone bill to pay of about 150 and another 100 to pay for the phone itself. need job. need porn sets accepted, need more ideas. need help. im so fucked and so scared. i know dodger feels bad. i didnt want him to see this. he shouldnt feel bad. i wanted to spoil him. i dont regret it. he doesnt think hes worth it but hes more than worth it. now to bleach my hair and watch secretary.
sarcasticsquirrel: (afraid lovestruckicons)
well plans are formulating. i feel a bit better. i am going to drop my math class. i am going to make money as much as i can. i am going to search for appartments in sf. i am going to help dodger however is needed. i am going to do what is needed to transfer to a university in sf. it is looking like i wont be able to start back to school till spring but thats ok. that will give me time to find a job when i get down there. dodgers goal is 5k. which is more than is needed for the move, would give enough to fix his teeth too. my debts will have to be dealt with later. id have to transfer my disability, find a therapist. there will be a lot to be done. but i have no doubts, i have no hesitations. this is right and it is the best thing for everyone. i love him. ill do whatever needs to be done to be with him. but we are going about it responsibly and realistically which is more my style than running down there, as much as i want to do that. this will take longer, but be less stressful in the long run.

so i feel better. i guess its like instead of feeling helpless i feel like things are moving toward something better and that makes the here and now more bareable.

i am still going through self destructive urges. but they are going more towards going and getting into dangerous situations and running out in traffic and that sort of thing rather than cutting. this is not an improvement. its worse really. but it needs to happen, there needs to be a climax before i can start to get beter. i know this. i just dont know how bad itll be. i love dodger so i need to make it is safe and not bad as i can. but i dont know how much i can do about that.

6-13-05

Jun. 23rd, 2005 09:14 am
sarcasticsquirrel: (sex bunny)
back to the story...

i watch him and he is just goreous. and i dont think he knows. we tlaked a long time about diferent things. a lot of it about my issues and possible abuse shit. i keep taking pictures of him. i want to take a million or more, want to capture how he looks at all moments and keep them, surround myself with them when im gone.
******************************************************************

he looked at me and said for 33 years and one month i really missed you. he really loves me. i feel so lucky. and i think its ok he loves me cuz im a better person to/around him than other people. he brings out the best in me, makes me try so hard to shed the bad parts. i love him dearly. i hope it shows enough.
*****************************************************************

he woke up at 10 am. four hours of sleep maybe. i was tired, eyes burning. i should have gotten up but i didnt. he was yelling at his laptop. he was pounding his fists on the desk. he said it was ok cuz its just a machine. and i said last night we talked about people being machines. he didnt hear me. i saw myself under his fists. more sleep. woke up again. so much heat. he gets out clothes. i tell him they are too warm and he starts snapping at me. more and more i think he could hurt me. i curled up and he got all concerned. he touched me and i turned away. he lay next to me and my body stiffened. i tried to move away from his touch but he kept following. couldnt he see i was crawling away from him? i got out of the bed. hes so upset, doesnt understand. doesnt understand how sensitive i am. dont hurt me. its too easy.
**************************************************************

he is so sweet and gentle, how could i be afraid of him? i dont see how he could hurt anyone except to defend himself, or me. i think he would to protect me. these entries often seem negative but much of my time here has been positive. problem is the big events are negative and the good things are the little things, the moments, the uneventfullness. i didnt mention earlier but we talked this morning also about how i felt he didnt want me anymore. he hasnt been getting turned on by me and hasnt been making out with me. i knew hed get bored of me. he says hes been avoiding making out due partly to all my freak outs and also to avoid frustration while my period is in full swing. i just want him and i want to feel that closeness that comes through that sort of thing. i want to make love to him while i still can. soon i wont be able to touch him. i hold him every chance i get.
**************************************************************

he went to his school and i went walking around in shops. then we met up and had lunch. then i took him to get some stuff he needed. and i got a toddlers ninja turtles t shirt that dodger found for me. apparently he likes me to wear little boys clothes. just kidding. i realize that im spoiling him. and that i cant afford to. and that ill be paying this off for a really long time and will need a job. but i want so much to spoil him that i am regaurdless of how bad itll be for me later. i talked to jess, hell be here in 3 days. haha.
***************************************************************

had sex. lots of really good sex for a long time. he always feels so fucking good. he deffinitly knows what hes doing. he got off like three times and got me off. i am sore and happy. we showered and i am laying in bed now while he works. i love him. so much. in other news...i cant draw and shouldnt try. i thought for a moment during the sex about how much i love him and how good it felt and how i want to be fucked like that and feel him there in me and against me for the rest of my life. i wouldnt give him up for anything and i hope he doesnt give me up either.

6-12-05

Jun. 22nd, 2005 02:38 am
sarcasticsquirrel: (not over sabre_dance)
had a nice evening. talking, reading, eating at a nice pizza place called piraat, playing chess, talking. then he had to kick ecco out. shes too hard to hide and hes not allowed overnight guests. she got mad. she said she wouldnt be his friend. he was getting pissed and so was she. i saw the look on his face as he was leaving the room, i heard some of what he said. and i thought how easily that could have been directed at me. other peoples anger is hard for me to handle. it frightens me. i curled up on the bed. i thought about him hitting me. logically i know he wouldnt. but but theres a part of me that thinks anyone could and is always waiting for them to do so. he came back in and laid there with me. my entire body stiffened. i was thinking would he hurt me? but i calmed down and we talked. he said he can get mad at me but not for long cuz i look at him and he melts. we are ok now. he is taling art. he is talented and he knows it. hehe.
************************************************************************

talked more last night. he thinks i shouldnt give up on things or not try things i cant do right the first time. but i work that way because im too hard on myself. i cant take the failure. we had a nice night. we cuddled and went to sleep. today we walked around. got food and bleach for my hair. tlaked to owen and micah and will. dodger and i came back to his place. i had to return a call from my mom. shes pissed. she ranted about me not telling her i was leaving, not seeing her before she leaves for rome for a month. she leavves the day before i get back. she talked about me using her. she bitched about how awful and selfish i am but not in those words. when i got off the phone i talked to dodger and he said i should go home early and see her . i told him i couldnt, that i will barely be able to leave him when i know i have to, and i cant do it earlier. like i told my mom when she said i should be home unpacking, i get a week then i dont get to see him anymore. this is whats important to me right now, fuck everything else. last night we were talking. i said id never marry him. he got sad, he cried and said that no one would ever want to and why would i never? i told him its not that i wouldnt want to, its that i want kids and stuff and didnt think he wanted that. he asked what if he offered me that someday? and i told him theres no one else id rather say yes to. he said hell never ask but i hope someday he does. i made him a picture of a chicken in the wind...

6-11-05

Jun. 22nd, 2005 01:27 am
sarcasticsquirrel: (stitch lost luckypinksock)
so after my last entry they came back and moved the car in front of the building to unload his stuff. i put my boots on and my hoody. i was still in a tiny skirt and tiny tank top. i grabbed my purse and just walked away. and i wasnt totally out of control, which makes it worse. but i had a lot of shit in my head about not belonging here and about how things are over forever. saw ecco but avoided her. my phone had been dying since before leaving portland. bad timing. i called dodger and told him i dont belong here and i would come back for my shit later, tomorrow maybe. i told him i was going home. he didnt like this. i told him i could take care of myself when he said i had no where to stay. he asked if i were leaving him, i told him hed already left me. my phone died. it was dead dead. i thought if i let it sit it might turn back on.

saw pete, that was odd. clung to him and tlaked to him.. went on my way. went through various parts of town, down hill. i nearly got to the water from the financial district. went through china town and a drug area. was surrounded by guys trying to get me in their cars, others made comments, followed me, told me about how i gave them hard ons. i kept walking. i thought about letting them hurt me, making some money maybe. what did i have to lose? then a drug dealing meth addict asked if he could walk with me. i let him. he was high. i told him i was lost and from out of town and id never been to a real city before. i tried my phone. he saw it was totally dead. he told me about parties and stuff. he offered to take me back to dodger. but he walked me in circles showing me his stolen goods. he wanted to fuck me. he was really pushing the idea and leading me in circles to get me more lost. i knew id end up raped. so when he stopped to get drugs from his friend i took off. bye nick.

i kept walking. got more lost. i started crying. but i otherwise kept my head together cuz if i didnt i wouldnt make it. i thought at one point id never get back to him. had visions of sleeping in the cold. contemplated killing myself. couldnt do it to him. the worry. though if i did he could go whole heartedly after molly. i never stopped walking. a guy helped me with directions. so i started finally in the right direction.

met a guy on the way who walked with me. he buzzed random people once we found the building. didnt work. so he started calling up at the building. dodger poked his head out and told me to stay there. after four hours of walking the hills of s.f. through all areas of badness i was finally back with dodger. i asked if i could come in. i was afraid id gone too far, that he didnt want me now. but he hugged me and was happy i was back. and i think we are ok. we ate and talked. and he still loves me. i now know that big city does NOT just mean more streats and that i am not cut out for walking around them alone.
***************************************************************

went out today. dodger and ecco and i. we walked around, got lunch, then went shopping. tried to find a place for my hair stuff but couldnt until after they closed. then ecco went off on her own. dodger and i walked around. we looked for shoes for me and went to a toy store.

then we were tlaking. i make jokes about the bad things i do because it makes it easier on me. he gets moody when i do this. also he is protective of me. he does not want me to do things that he lets other people do. he doesnt trust me out by myself. im not a child, i can look out for myself as well as anyone else can. i dont need to be babied or treated like im stupid, or or foolish, or incapable of taking care of myself. I AM AN ADULT DAMMIT. i am not a child, not in age or mental capacity. why does everyone act like i am. why does everyone shelter me? and since im in a strange town and cant leave his side i am stuck right now. i do love him but i dont need a protector or a parent. im looking for a partner, not someone afraid to leave me alone for five minutes. ive had caretakers and wardens before, i dont need another.
sarcasticsquirrel: (heart fist icongalexy)
it is time to begin. i will make a post for each day. under cut in most cases for length. i wrote a lot on my trip. and this is what it felt like as it happened. i cant do it all tonight but i will start. the different times of day i wrote will be sectioned off by ****. they are not timed, but it doesnt really matter, they are in order. i wrote while i was in states or just commig out of them. this is how it felt, this is what it was, not what i feel now or think now. i am not editing these. and so it begins...

its been a hard trip. the first half of the trip i had a horrible headache wiht accompanying tummy sickness. puking in rest areas and a winco. right before we were to leave dodgers i was standing, staring at the tiny peice of back seat. i thought why am i going? i dont belong in his new life. im being foolish, he wont want me there, he wont love me soon, this is the end and im stupid to draw it out. i finally looked up at him and once i saw his face i couldnt not go. cut myself while he was buying smokes. finally spoke again at winco.

the second part of the trip has been different. and ecco got heat exhaustion. i was in a mood so when we pulled of at a rest stop for her to nap i walked off. i had on skimpy clothes cuz of the heat, and knee high boots. i took no id, cash, phone, ect, just me. i walked all sexy and smiled at the cars and trucks seductively. i was singing letter to a john by ani difranco. guys honked at me. one tried to get me in his car, seemed nice enough. but it freaked me out. i started to head back. thats when the cop picked me up. he was nice. asked if dodger had hurt me. took me back. i didnt get in trouble, thank gawd.

talked to dodger a while. he really does love me. i hope its not just a passing thing cuz he is wonderful and i love him so much. i cut my breasts and wrote NO and STOP on my arm. ive done that since middle school. i was shouting at the voice in my head, shouting into my skin with blades. inside my head it was saying you turned into everything your mama said youd be, a slut, spoiled, selfish, bitch, crazy, invallid, cant take care of yourself, trash, and that i hadnt proved her or anyone else wrong. that i was only delaying one of my 3 options for a future: kill self, go to jail, end up in group home/ mental hospital. i almost carved BITCH SLUT WHORE into the inside of my thighs like in the nightmares ive had for years.

i tlaked to dodger more. i feel better. he says i am tragically beautiful, and that im strong. that is yet to be confirmed. i met him not long ago. but he is everything to me. id drop everything else. i just want him.
*******************************************************************

later...

got here. i hate this place for taking him. i wouldnt get out of the car, wouldnt speak. so they locked the car and set the alarm with me in it. must make sure the crazy animal doesnt get loose. i should just fucking leave. and i should catch the next bus home. i dont belong in his life, in his world anymore. i pity him for loving me. he doesnt need this shit. im ruining everything.

you took from me
a future,
functional or not,
i had plans.
then you shook me
like a fragile present,
left all my peices
broken inside.
one month of something
i knew
would break my heart
and a lifetime
of uncertainties,
and blank spaces,
and empty appartments.
for you i find myself
alone.

Profile

sarcasticsquirrel: (Default)
sarcastic squirrel

January 2017

S M T W T F S
1234567
8 91011121314
15161718192021
22232425262728
293031    

Syndicate

RSS Atom

Most Popular Tags

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
Page generated Sep. 22nd, 2017 10:30 pm
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios