sarcasticsquirrel: (safe hitchhiker insidethebox)
so today i woke up to my mom calling. she was ready on time, which i hadnt expected. and i was in bed. so i told her give me an hour. and i got up, put on the price is right, got online, and burned my netflix. i showered, washed up, and sealed my luggage. gave ffred a ton of food and water. went to subway and got snacks. then we were off.

talked in the car, played my nintendo, listened to music. got to edmonds around 3. my nana bought a house about a year ago. i hadnt seen it yet. its cue. very nice inside. shes redone teh whole inside. we had lunch once my nana got home from teh store.

then mom went out to move her car and found that it was dead. like it wouldnt even turn over. so we popped the hood and tried to figure it out. couldnt. so the mechanic came and got mom and the car and charged the battery and took her in to get a new battery. oh the drama.

then mom got back and so did my aunt, uncle, and two younger cousins who had been off doing things. hadnt seen them in like 7 years. the cousins perhaps only a few years ago. so people talked, dinner was made, and everyone except me drank...enough to be silly. it was like being the one in the mental ward who has the keys.

so people drank and talked and ate then went to bed. mom watched me play elite beat agents. people laughed at teddy. poor old bear.

my nana is a real health nut, too a scary extreme. and her mind is not what it was. my uncle is from germany. he is nice and doesnt talk much. my aunt is a silly, emotional person, kinda hippy new age type of woman. my cousins tiana and leia are both pretty, successful, in stable relationships, respectful, interesting, nice, andcreative. man its annoying. makes me look bad. only nice thing anyone has to say about me is how pretty i am.

more tomorrow.
sarcasticsquirrel: (sunshine butt)
met with a photographer this morning. then got together with will and hung out. thats always a good time. also picked up an inflatable punching bag thing of the president. yay.

yesterday i went up to pcc rock creek to get a letter of recommendation from one of my old teachers. went and saw my friends. the campus was different. thered been contrustion. the geeks had their own little lair now. saw craig. ive always been strangly drawn to him. it was good to see him. i was kinda sad he has a girlfriend. we always used to flirt and it was fun. also picked up a leather jacket yesterday. i like it. and it was on sale cheap.

my trip to seattle was ok. saw failure to launch and pride and prejudice. my nana is a major health nut. its so fucking annoying. she wont eat any normal food anymore. she took me to get fish and chips cuz i wanted thme and yelled at a lady that worked there for not knowing what oil they used to fry the fish. but the trip was good in general. no fighting. saw a preview, they are releasing a movie about flight 93, one of the 9/11 planes. first of all ick. second double ick on the exploitation of human tradgedy and also the renewed fear i think itll evoke in people.

my nana is losing her mind. we weere on the freeway and she was in the middle of changing lanes when she gripped the wheel and got all wide eyed and started yelling "where are we going? where are we going?" then she remembered that we were on our way to the movies. said she must have been on autopilot the whole way till then. but really i think that while on the freeway she forgot what she was doing. and that scared me.

my mom is having muscled weakness and soreness in her arms. its been going on a few months. she can barely open doors. its scary.

i went to the dentist yesterday for the first time since i was 19. shes going to check again after a cleaning but so far im going to be getting 13 fillings. fuck! ive never had a cavity before. this sucks. my teeth are so bad she needs to numb me for the cleaning.
sarcasticsquirrel: (march penguin shadowsong_13)
made it up to seattle ok. had a nice night except for a headache. woke up today with the headache still there and a tummy ache to join it. i miss dodger and i wish i was home. id rather be sick in my own house.
sarcasticsquirrel: (dodger waiting)
spent my last night with dodger on tuesday night. finished the book we were reading and cuddled.

yesterday he packed and we went to the train station. and i held his hand and hugged him and he kept telling me itd be ok. then he was gone. and i stood there watching the rain fall on the train tracks. and then the train went by. and i walked out into the horrible wind and rain.

i wasnt ready to go home. went to lloyd center. got a new shirt with penguins on it and an emily pillow case. i came home and watched law and order and did my homework and watched the musical buffy episode once more. i went to bed really early. his pillow smells like him. i think im still pretty numb.

snowed a bunch last night. sure you guys all know. seems my train will still be on time. so im getting ready to go to seattle. spend a few days with my nana.
sarcasticsquirrel: (breakdown)
went to hive last night. barely danced. felt icky and freaked out. but it was brentons bday and i wanted to see him. ilia showed up too. it was good to see both of them. talked to them seperately about whats been going on. brent was as homicidal as dodger. they were both really nice. dodger and i left early. went home. went to bed shortly after. got up this morning and i checked my online stuff and dranks some hot chocolate and ate some eggs. i packed and cuddled fred and dodger. then he walked me to the train station. ive been feeling safe with him around. i feel protected holding on to him. i didnt feel that once i was without him. watched the sisterhood of the traveling pants on the in train movie. it was kinda lame. nana picked me up. we went to dalys for fish and chips and milkshakes. now shes at her waltzing class and im here.

i want to go home. i want to be with dodger to protect me. i mean, i have his leather jacket to protect me, but i still dont feel safe. i dont feel safe or like im doing well. i feel like things are just getting worse. and i dont think theyll ever get that guy. i can see his face now in my head. if only i could draw cuz i cant describe him. i have therapy next tuesday. i get back this thursday. jess is sposed to stop by friday on his way home from the airport. i also need to run to sylvania and get my textbook and stuff for school. school starts monday, 11am. im ready to go back. tuesday i have my annual pelvic exam and stuff. goodie. and ill need to call them and find out if i can get the std testing done at the same time. my insurance doesnt cover it. im gonna talk to my mom. im pretty sure shell cover making sure her daughter didnt get aids from that fuckhead. of all the asshole things to do id say raping someone without protection is pretty fucking evil. not teh worst thing you can do, but not anywhere near ok or forgivable.

i think i need to take a break from the modeling at least for a while. then ill start with only the ones ive worked with before. but right now i dont think i can even do that. the thought of being naked in front of anyone but dodger makes me cringe, the thought of having someone take my picture while im semi or totally nude makes me sick. i need a break. i dont feel like being seen. i dont feel like relaxing and trusting anyone really. well, i trust some people. my friends have all been really great. and my brother was good too. my mom was a real nightmare but no surprise. well maybe a small one. i love you all. ill be back in a few days and ill get around to seeing people. im not going to hide or sit around looking frumpy and ugly so i wont be noticed. i dont want attention from strangers but im not going to turn into a different person. that wont help me.

ive been working on letting myself let go of that shield i had up to keep my emotions in check. but now that im at my nanas im working to make sure it stays up. i just wanna feel safe. and i wanna let myself break down. but not in an environment where i wont have support. i want to go home.
sarcasticsquirrel: (kiss fence)
now for the update from my trip to seattle...

it was hard to tear myself away from the computer, from dodgers face and my last chance to tlak to him for days. beat the bus by a block, dragging wheeling lugguage behind me and hauling a backpack too. got downtown to wait for the next bus. the one that said would come didnt and i had to wait a good 10 minutes for another bus to union station. then i hauled ass and all my stuff into the train station and into a long line. people tried to cut in front of me cuz they were trying to catch the train leaving in a few minutes. gee, so was i. the same guy totally blocked me when i went to get in the moving bording line too. i tossed my stuff in line and ran into teh gift shop to buy a pen then grabbed my bags and showed the attendant my ticket. its been over two weeks since i was on a bus back to portland. that is not my home. my home is laying safe and cradled in the heart of a man who, as this train moves, gets further and further away. i got an aisle seat. i hate that. had to put my bag in the area by the door and dodgers backpack at my feet. listened to some music, watched the train welcome movie. the in train movie today was guess who? with bernie mac and ashton kutcher. i had wanted to see it but had been embarrassed. i liked it. hehe. theres an hour left of this trip, time for more headphones.
went and got nana a cell phone. reperfected smiling and nodding. went to dalys for dinner. fish and chips and a butterscotch milkshake from dalys is always good. spent the night at the condo. watched independance day on tv. part of it made me think. he was saying he had been part of something great. youd have to see the scene to understand. he was refering to his relationship, in response to his wife tlaking about career. im not just gonna be dodgers ashley. but this is what i want to do with my life, my relationship with him. everything else is secondary in importance and can be sacrificed if need be. after the movie i was thinking about him, missing him. and i heard a text come in on my phone. i thought perfect timing. but it wasnt him. that made me sad. he hasnt sent a text from his computer at all and i have no way of contacting him. tuesday night ill be back and can see his sweet face again, tlak to him again. nana is kinda annoying me. she doesnt really listen ever or care what i think or say. so half the time i dont even bother.
got up late. helped nana learn how to use her new cell phone. it was slightly patience trying, but she caught on. she also gave me $200 for appartment stuff. which means my phone can stay on. yay! went and got a burrito. played spite and malice. i owe her $1.60. haha. damn. the fireworks were beautiful. and they played true colors during part of them, which was my favorite song as a little girl. when i went to sit on the deck in the cold and wait for the fireworks i wished dodger was there with me. instructions are as follows: sit boyfriend in chair, place the ashley in boyfriends lap, put previously mentioned boyfriends arms around the ashley, cover with blanket, tilt heads up, watch fireworks. last year lucas came with me. i texted lucas with a belated happy 23rd bday and texted tom with a happy bday firecracker boy. apparently i like to date boys who are born in the very beginning of july (lucas is the 3rd). wel, no, honestly i just love cancers a lot. also got a call from micah. he was worried about me. he said hell pick me up from the train station tomorrow and on wednesday we will sit down and talk. i would like to be friends with him. i do not want more. i dont know how this is going to go. well tomorrow is maybe movie, maybe cards, definitly food and train. then i can tlak to my boy again.
(1:40am) he finally texted me. i feel better now. id thought maybe hed been too busy to think of me and hadnt really missed me. i feel beter now.
ate, playted more cards. packed. she gave me a billion lbs of fruit to take with me. ate steak and baked potato. went and got on the train. sitting next to an interesting guy. being way too open as usual. hes cute, thinks i am too. hes napping now. 2 hours till we are in portland. micah will be there. sometimes i dont know what im thinking. i want so much for people to be good that i deny any evidence against it.
micah picked me up. took me back to my place. i went in. i picked up fred. i turned on the computer, tlaked to dodger. its good to be able to talk to him again. ive been down tonight. and i made it worse by reading through a bunch of old shit from my lj's. read stuff about james, the abortion, ect. read stuff from when michael was living with me. read his lj for awhile, but that made me smile. dodger is being goofy. i miss him. will have to remedy that soon. i think my mom gets home soon from rome. thats good, except i have to tell her that i maxed out my credit card...

i need to finish posting my posts from the sf trip but im not gonna do it tonight i dont think.


sarcasticsquirrel: (Default)
sarcastic squirrel

January 2017

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