sarcasticsquirrel: (pant muscle elizalavelle)
i had a scary conversation with my mother yesterday. there was a baby in the stanfords when we were having dinner. and she made a comment about circumcision. and we talked about it a bit and how i dont think its a good thing. then she says "youve been with both right?" and i was like yeah. then she stops and was like do i need this information?! and i was like well you ASKED! and i said i felt bad for guys that were but that i didnt think it made any difference to the girl if the guy was or not. and she told me she had only been with one guy that wasnt. I DIDNT NEED TO KNOW THAT. ive wondered for several years how many people my mom has been with. she sounds like she was kinda slutty when she was in her 20s. i should have asked. that would have been the time. of course thers no way id tell her how many people ive been with. the whole conversation was just uncomfortable.
sarcasticsquirrel: (house kiss lidi)
so i wish that people could just be more direct. why are there all these games and supposed politenesses about sex? i wish a guy could just like call me up and be like hey, i want to fuck. do you want to fuck? and i could be like nope not tonight. or yes id like some fucking, thank you. please bring your hard penis over here and i will put it someplace nice. why is this so difficult? why do people feel the need to tiptoe around these things instead of just getting to the point?
sarcasticsquirrel: (psych major _atomic_cherry)
tuesday i went to my self paced class. i was out of it and felt like an idiot. i had to keep rereading things. and when i tried talking to my peers i came off as a moron. but i took the quiz and got 100% yay!

oh did i tell you guys i got my diploma in the mail? it was a flimsy piece of paper between two pieces of cardboard that werent even attached. i paid 10k for that?! my high school one was way nicer and that was free.

hung out with peter tuesday. went to the roxy and had pancakes. went to powells. we spent some time at my place. ended up having sex and being late to buffy. late enough to miss a whole episode. there were annoying people at buffy that were being loud and stupid. peter yelled at them. it was great. hes my hero. then we were parting afterwards and i wanted to cuddle with him. i was joking when i said he sucked but he chased me own and took me back to his place.

we cuddled and it was nice. he is so sweet. then wednesay we got up and went to school. i was learning about mice and dopamine research. the poor mice! the horrible things they do to them for research! and kittens. they do bad things to kittens! i am very unhappy about the things done to the poor animals. i tried to make a point in class but i couldnt express myself well enough. its annoying cuz the teacher just looked at me like i was an idiot but then a few minutes later a girl raised her hand and an said the same thing just worded better and the teacher thought it was very interesting.

after class peter and i went to lunch. then we went to sparticus so he could get me my bday gift early. he got me a rabbit vibrator.

then later i went to the volunteering which i already posted about.
sarcasticsquirrel: (buffy sex animated lidi)
i am the only one who can see the results so be honest!

[Poll #834936]
sarcasticsquirrel: (corset falearntofly88)
i realized this morning somehting that surprised me and kinda made me feel like a big old slut. this is the longest, in all the time ive been having sex, the longest period of time i havent had sex. and i miss it, not because its sex, but because i miss him, and his touch. but it was just a thing i realized and fe3lt strange, felt stupid, like how did i manage to have so much sex that this is the longest break?

did i ever tell you guys that i used to want to be a model? i love having my picture taken. and i wanted to be beautiful and wanted and looked at and i wasnt so interested in runway stuff. but i wanted to be a model, i wanted that a lot.

this movie is really sad. and she is very beautiful. i dont think this movie helped me be in a good mood for the day. and ive been tlaking to my sean. he is afraid of me not being his someday. i just want to hold him. i just want to have him hold me. i just want to love him. i just want him here. i dont want to have to ever lose him. please just let this last.
sarcasticsquirrel: (closer face ragen)
i guess i am jealous. not in the way you are thinking though. i am jealous and hurt i guess that the thought of fucking and kissing someone besides me right now doesnt make him feel empty and miss me more. doesnt make him feel like hes erasing me off his skin. doesnt make him feel a million miles further away from me. cuz thats what it does to me.
sarcasticsquirrel: (grosspoint  wild_rice_icons)
i shouldnt be upset and really have no right to. but it still hurt me. while i was telling micah no dodger was out at a club with a girl getting drunk. he wanted to make friends great. he wanted to fuck her. not my right to say no. but he asked me not to do anything with anyone else. said he wasnt ready for that. so what the fuck? he thinks im ready for him to be doing that? he acted like he wasnt ready for that and he wanted us to be together as the next ones we are with. but guess not. now hes all go fuck whoever you want. and im like well i want you. i still want the next lips that touch mine to be his.

he apologized. got all down on himself. but why? its not my right to be upset. he shouldnt have to apologize. he got ditched aparently. and hes drunk. hes not even typing right.

yeah im upset. and i feel wrong for it. he can do as he pleases. who he pleases. but the way this was done just seems wrong. he was telling me he wanted me to himself for awhile but those rules dont apply to him?

he says its harder for guys, that the hormones effect them more. ok, i know the research on this shit. but i have hormones too. doesnt mean im out getting fucked by everyone every time i feel the urge. i told him he has a brain and should use it. i use mine. and i know hes capable of using his. though with the alcohol in him thats debatable. of course he chose to drink it. i dont think we are ruled by our hormones. i dont think guys have to be led around by their dicks. i know plenty who arent. hes making it sound like he is. well then he shouldnt be telling me how he wants me and isnt ready for anyone else and isnt ready for me to be with anyone else. if hes going to follow his hard on he can at least not try and feed me lines before hand.
sarcasticsquirrel: (run jump primrosse)
i freaked out and scared dodger. poor boy. watched some movies tonight. closer and the notebook. was making a post but firefox froze so lets try this again.

when i started this last time my heart was racing and i was so embarrassed.

i am kinda wierd about sex. there is a reason this post is friends only. i can talk about sex. i do it all the time. the talking that is. but its more in a general or joking sense. i cannot talk about what i like and stuff like that in a serious way. i cannot even tlak to my own boyfriend about my likes and dislikes and what gets me off. i sent him an email and even that nearly sent me into a heart atack. its so lame that i couldnt even do it in an aim convo, especially with the web cams on.

when i was younger i didnt like anyone to touch me. i would totally freeze up at any contact. then when i turned 16 i started groping everyone. i had no boundaries, not the normal ones, i had no sense of others space. i started dressing all tight short clothes. but i still didnt want to be touched by people unless i was touching them first. and i still had issues when touched in a sexual way een by the guy i was sorta seeing. he said i was like making out with a blow up doll. hes right. i stiffened and stared off, couldnt llook at him, didnt respond.

i started dating a guy named jon when i was 18, senior in high school. id never even seen a penis. yeah, i was lame. like the first or second night we were dating he shoved his fingers in me. he was the first. i handled it ok. and was amused at giving him blue balls. eventually i saw his penis. i know, shocking. and i did jerk him off. but he was scared to show me his dick cuz i was so scared to even see it. but i did jerk him off. and i did give him head. and i didnt sleep with him for a while. and he stopped kissing me even, said it wasnt going anywhere. he tried to stick his dick in me before i allowed ihm to. not fucking him was such a problem that i eventually just fucked him so he would stop being mad at me. and it hurt so damn bad. i cried and screamed. i lay on the bed afterwards, he made me keep going till he was done, said he had to break me in. i laid there after crying and curled in a ball saying dont touch me dont touch me. our sex life was pathetic. and it took a while longer before i let him go down on me. and even then i would put a pillow between my ower and upper halves so he couldnt watch my reactions as he got me off. i dont like people seeing me react during sex or seeing me get off. it makes me very self concious. i also am always worried im not doing enough or not doing the right thing or something. another thing with jon was that he constantly wanted me to make fake noises which i wouldnt and he wanted me to get breast implants and be a stripper or be in porn mags. he wanted a porno girl. and he would turn down sex for everquest, d&d, and porn! porn! its like hmm jerk off to porn or fuck your girlfriend? porn. crazy fucker. he also tried to get me to do a net porn site he was gonna make to make money off of me. anyways...

when i dated james i was starting to descover that i was no longer the ugly freak girl no one wanted. and that i had power. i also was seeing that i wanted control so i oculd feel safe. i always wanted to be on top. so i could stop it at any time. i wouldnt let him jerk off. i would fuck him for a few minutes then send him home and since he couldnt jerk off he had to wait to seee if id let him cum the next day. i liked the power. still wasnt getting off during intercourse. finally did, took a lot of effort that we usually didnt go to. i wanted the control more than the orgasm. once i teased him for 24 hours. a days worth of up, down, up, down...after 24 hours of that i made the mistake of being naked when he was naked. and he held me on top of him while he fucked me and i was screaming stop in his ear the whole time. he was also the one who got my pregnant. i was comfortable with him. but thats because i wasnt trying to be good in bed, or react. i was only trying to have power and control.

then i was single for a year. most of my interactions involved me laying there hiding my face in their neck so as not to have them see the look of pain and fear. i felt empty. i didnt suck their dicks and i didnt get off. i fucked people for rides home or for the company, to have someone close to me and maybe someone in the bed at night for a night. i felt awful. and i was so unresponsive that i was told repeatedly that i was bad in bed and had one guy say i thought you knew what you were doing! i was told i was only slightly better than masturbation, and only because fucking me involved a pussy. some would fuck me and not even kiss me. i felt awful.

jason was an exception. we were very compatable. it was odd really. at first it was a lot of me controling him, riding him till he came numerous times, biting him and leaving big bruises on his neck. he let me control him, he seemed to love it. but i also let him fuck me, and be in control sometimes. and we worked well. i made noise, i responded, we had fun. i did things i havent done with anyone else. and when we were in different states i would let him listen to me masturbate over the phone and tell him when and for how long he could jerk off, not letting him get off a lot of the time. i still liked the control aspect. but we also had a healthy sex life outside of it. that was a really positive experience for me. one of the only ones.

then i dated tom. he started off shy. he was young. cute. but i took him to my place the first time and he pounced on me. i was shocked. id assumed the innocent little one didnt know what he was doing. i assumed wrong. but it was a pleasant surprise. he was hot and good in bed and lasted a fairly long time most times. i was nervous with him, but i got more comfortable over time. i even trusted him enough to let him blindfold me. i was still self concious about my reactions and about my inability to get off in any timely manner. he would get so determined to get me off. and i felt so bad when i didnt. but i did sometimes. i let him do something that was very hard for me. i let him take pictures of me naked, but not just that, i let him take pictures of the reaction on my face as he went down on me. dont ask about the coreography on that, it was funny. there was a lot of love and trust. but i still had my insecurities and issues.

i was very nervous with the couple people i slept with after dating tom. hsuan didnt think i was good at all. and anti was very patient with me, which was nice, but he musta thought i was a royal tard.

then there was lucas. i had a lot more experience than him. but we worked well together. and the things he didnt know as much about i trained him in. i was very nervous about telling him what i wanted. and i was very insecure about making noise or showing reaction. i was also nervous to be gone down on or to give him head. he always seemed to enjoy sex with me. he did make fun of my reactions sometimes, even only in teasing that was hard for me. really made me self concious. when we started having sex less, which was due to my sex drive for some reason, obviously it effected our sex life. i was also having pain a lot during sex. which is a normal thing for me. but it seemed to get worse sometimes. well, through no fault of his i ended up getting myself off afterwards most times with the vibrator i kept in my desk. the fact that i coudl do that with him there was a big deal. i trusted him. i was comfortable. it didnt happen overnight but it did happen. i was still shy about giving head. always felt inadequit at that. it doesnt help that my jaw is fucked up and hurts a lot. i was always nervous, like i am with anyone, to do anything becuase the person might not like it. or i might seem foolish. i am so insecure. and i dont like my body at all. which makes things even harder.

now i am dating dodger. well, i am less experienced than him, to say the very least. i am also a lot more boring than him. one helpfull thing is that he likes to have sex while the girl is clothed. so my body image issues lessen considerably. but then there is the issue of the fact that i feel very inexperienced and sadly quite vanilla. i am afraid of not reacting enough, but also of my reactions because they make me self concious cuz i seem silly. i am afraid to do anything, but also afraid i dont do enough. i am self concious about everything. and i havent given him head cuz im afraid of sucking, not in the way im meant to. im afraid im one big disappointment. im also afraid cuz i dont have a lot of experience beyond very boring type things and i havent really been very active in my sex life. and i know the things that turn him on and i am afraid ill turn out not to be any good for that. im afraid of boring him, or being too nervous or unskilled to do anything other than what im doing.


sarcasticsquirrel: (Default)
sarcastic squirrel

January 2017

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