(no subject)

i yanked this from micahs lj. i am steeeeaaaaallllling it.

he wants me out of his life. well yeah, im out. and he thinks he is setting things right. and that i cant grow up, that i wlak in circles, that i cant make amends for what i did. lucas and i are ok, i have done all i can to mend us and we are just fine. its micah that isnt fine. i cant fix everyone. i tried to make things between he and i alright. but it wasnt possible. maybe i am immature. but not as much as he thinks. and have i been going in circles for years? no. ive been working my ass off to get my shit together, to make myself better and to function in the real world. sorry if its not as easy for me as it is for some people. he doesnt know because he hasnt known me that long, he doesnt realize how different i am, how much ive changed and grown in the last few years. if he had known me when i was 18 hed be amazed at who i am now.

in other news im doing some volunteering today. and ive been playing sims. damn, they are some dumb fucking sims. i want to kill them. stupid sims. and now for the stolen survey

1. Who are you?:
2. Are we friends?:
3. When and how did we meet?:
4. Do you (or did you ever) have a crush on me?:
5. Would you kiss me?:
6. Describe me in one word:
7. What was your first impression?:
8. Do you still think that way about me now?:
9. What reminds you of me?:
10. If you could give me anything what would it be?:
11. How well do you know me?:
12. When's the last time you saw me?:
13. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?:
14. Are you going to put this on your journal and see what I say about you?:

i would have left him a comment with my responses for him but he wouldnt want that. i am out of his life. forever. and i suppose that i will care less and less about him as time goes on. i say my caring is unconditional and ever lasting. and it is. bu the degree to which it effects me fades without contact.

(no subject)

well i went to my volunteer job today. in the first half hour i fixed one problem and then the women started comming in. and i looked for jobs online and i did some math homework. and i helped a woman update a resume. and i helped one do some typing. and i helped one look up articles about her daughter she hasnt seen in years and put them on a disk she could keep. and she was crying and thanking me and so happy. and i left there feeling wonderful. feeling like id really helped. and i was on the bus, and i started thinking. i was thinking that the only difference between me and those women really is that my social security and my mom bailing me out have kept me off the streets. if someone wasnt covering my ass i wouldnt be volunteering, id be one of them.

i got home. and lucas came with food. and we were ok for a bit. then we started in on the math homework. and i got frustrated. and i didnt want to read my answers out loud for him to tell me if they were right. cuz i kept fucking up and didnt want to announce each failure vocally. and he got mad that i wanted to check it myself so he wouldnt see how bad i was fucking up. so he went to be on the computer. and i did the rest alone. and some of them i couldnt do. and some of them i had to do 4 times before i got them right.

i cant stand feeling stupid. the only thing i ever had going for me, the only positive thing about me, was my intelligence. and that was the only thing that the tiny bit of self esteem i did have was tied to. but im not smart. and i dont know if i can make it through college. its looking worse and worse every year. and if i dont pass this math class then i lose my financial aide and my options are over.

so he is talking to me about non-college options. sorry, im a bit of a snobby bitch in that sense. i come from a family where college isnt a question, theres no option. and i was raised to see not going to college as something that dumb people do. that you work trades if you cant make it through school. that if i dont finish college ill be flipping burgers or working some check out stand. it never crossed my mind that i wouldnt get a college degree. ill never be happy working some super market job. but its looking less and less likely that im going to have an option.

i could give up. i could sit in my appartment and collect my government checks. if i fail school i most likely will. i will have failed at life and i wont really have any reasonable options left. i can get a crappy minimum wage job forever. paper or plastic will be the main thing out of my mouth. a college degree is like a high school degree now, you cant go anywhere good without it. ill never be some craftsman, or some trades person. i wouldnt be any good at that. so id be stuck doing some shitty low paying job and living in a studio with my cat forever.

and i hate myself. i hate that i am trying and im still failing when i never had to try at anything until recently. i hate that i feel better if i dont try than if i try and fail cuz at least i feel like it was my choice. i hate that im not as smart as everyone thought i was, including me. i hate that im failing at life. and i want to slice myself up and i want to die. because im never going to be good enough. im never going to live up to my own standards so ill never be happy.