sarcastic squirrel (
sarcasticsquirrel) wrote2005-06-20 03:22 am
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some dance to remember, some dance to forget
i pulled into the bus station and id been mostly fine the whole trip. even talked to dodger. i was much calmer than him. then i saw the skyline of portland come into view and i paniced, i coudlnt breathe. i got off the bus ok. then i stepped into the bus station. i couldnt go outside. i was afraid. if i went out there it was real, i was really back and really that far away from him. i felt weak. i sat on the ground of the bus station surrounded by my stuff waiting for micah. with my last minute of phone battery life i called dodger and tlaked to him. but it cut off dead. and i sat in the bus station crying. i couldnt stop. i just cried right there. i could barely move i felt so weak and my tummy was turning over.
micah came and got me and took me to get food and then home. then he left. i tlaed to dodger online and on the phone. then he went to bed and i went to hive. i wlaked up there. i was doing alright. i was wearing dodgers batman tshirt and pink high tops and a twirly skirt. i was a hit.
i tried to dance. my body and my heart were not in it. i felt sluggish and i danced horribly. i talked to several people. i danced a couple more times, but hardly at all, maybe 3 songs the whole night. the second and third time i danced hard and fast. i wasnt enjoying it. i was screaming inside and trying to spin and stomp it out of me. it didnt work. i also was really glad that brent and ilia showed up. they are good friends. talked about dodger. also tlaked to owen who told me to make sure i dont move down there and then told me i was stupid and that id been used. the club didnt feel right without dodger. i ended up standing in a bathroom stall cutting on my arm. then i was standing there out of it at the club as the lights went on. brent and ilia took me home. they were real nice about it.
nohting feels right. im terrified that im losing him. i hate feeling so alone. i want to be with him. and im afraid that owen is right. and that he is going to be with molly and ill be left totally screwed over. even though brent and ilia said that if dodger hurts me they will beat his ass. and i believe it. they are protective of the ashley. hehe. but honestly if he hurts me then fine, as long as it makes him happy ill learn to deal with it. im hurting already. how much more damage can be done? nevermind, a lot...sometimes i think death would be so much easier.
i have a lot of updating to do. i kept a paper journal and will be copying the whole thing in in the next week.
micah came and got me and took me to get food and then home. then he left. i tlaed to dodger online and on the phone. then he went to bed and i went to hive. i wlaked up there. i was doing alright. i was wearing dodgers batman tshirt and pink high tops and a twirly skirt. i was a hit.
i tried to dance. my body and my heart were not in it. i felt sluggish and i danced horribly. i talked to several people. i danced a couple more times, but hardly at all, maybe 3 songs the whole night. the second and third time i danced hard and fast. i wasnt enjoying it. i was screaming inside and trying to spin and stomp it out of me. it didnt work. i also was really glad that brent and ilia showed up. they are good friends. talked about dodger. also tlaked to owen who told me to make sure i dont move down there and then told me i was stupid and that id been used. the club didnt feel right without dodger. i ended up standing in a bathroom stall cutting on my arm. then i was standing there out of it at the club as the lights went on. brent and ilia took me home. they were real nice about it.
nohting feels right. im terrified that im losing him. i hate feeling so alone. i want to be with him. and im afraid that owen is right. and that he is going to be with molly and ill be left totally screwed over. even though brent and ilia said that if dodger hurts me they will beat his ass. and i believe it. they are protective of the ashley. hehe. but honestly if he hurts me then fine, as long as it makes him happy ill learn to deal with it. im hurting already. how much more damage can be done? nevermind, a lot...sometimes i think death would be so much easier.
i have a lot of updating to do. i kept a paper journal and will be copying the whole thing in in the next week.