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he dumped me. i cant talk about it right now. i can barely see.
2006-11-03
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normally id hold onto something the person gave me as some sort of comfort but the only thing he ever gave me was a giant vibrator.
(no subject)
It Doesn't Matter Lyrics
by Alison Krauss
It doesn't matter what I want
It doesn't matter what I need
It doesn't matter if I cry
Don't matter if I bleed
You've been on a road
Don't know where it goes or where it leads
It doesn't matter what I want
It doesn't matter what I need
If you've made up your mind to go
I won't beg you to stay
You've been in a cage
Throw you to the wind you fly away
It doesn't matter what I want
It doesn't matter what I need
It doesn't matter if I cry
Doesn't matter if I bleed
Feel the sting of tears
Falling on this face you've loved for years
i was making him a playlist:
falling is like this~ani
good fortune~pj harvey
lovers in a dangerous time~bnl
lucky~bif naked
in your room~depech mode
rock me~liz phair
all i want is you~u2
true colors~cyndi lauper (my favorite song from childhood)
ill stand by you~the pretenders
by Alison Krauss
It doesn't matter what I want
It doesn't matter what I need
It doesn't matter if I cry
Don't matter if I bleed
You've been on a road
Don't know where it goes or where it leads
It doesn't matter what I want
It doesn't matter what I need
If you've made up your mind to go
I won't beg you to stay
You've been in a cage
Throw you to the wind you fly away
It doesn't matter what I want
It doesn't matter what I need
It doesn't matter if I cry
Doesn't matter if I bleed
Feel the sting of tears
Falling on this face you've loved for years
i was making him a playlist:
falling is like this~ani
good fortune~pj harvey
lovers in a dangerous time~bnl
lucky~bif naked
in your room~depech mode
rock me~liz phair
all i want is you~u2
true colors~cyndi lauper (my favorite song from childhood)
ill stand by you~the pretenders
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(no subject)
so i went to washington square and built a new build a bear. this time for the break up.
he is a white rabbit named peter. he has bunny slippers and a plaid bathrobe on. he also has a striped polo shirt and jeans. no sound was right so he is silent. i wished on the heart and kissed it twice before putting it in his body.
this doesnt make up for the hole in me. i can still see everything inside of me spilled out onto the floor.
he is a white rabbit named peter. he has bunny slippers and a plaid bathrobe on. he also has a striped polo shirt and jeans. no sound was right so he is silent. i wished on the heart and kissed it twice before putting it in his body.
this doesnt make up for the hole in me. i can still see everything inside of me spilled out onto the floor.
(no subject)
i few nihts ago peter was dressed up as the cutest bunny id ever seen. he was holding me close and dancing with me, looking into my eyes with that little rubber nose on. we went home and he rubbed my back and we cuddled and slept. the next morning we cuddled and kissed and lay there for a long time just snuggled and nice.
today we met after class. we had lunch at starbucks and then walked back to my place in the rain. he came up and sat on the bed. and he held my hand while telling me it wasnt working. and i cried and i begged him to give me another chance. and he said everything from i dont have intellectual conversations to the sex is boring. and i told him it can be different. there are a lot of things that i can change if i need to. if they are suggested. and im willing. i asked him to consider it. i cried and snotted all over myself. and i held him. clung and was afraid to let go. i showed him my penguin book. and held him more. and i gave him the bunny picture id gotten him for xmas. i think he liked it. i held him and he cried. id never seen him cry before. he has a vulnerability that seems very apparent to be but somehow less so to others. it would seem that would lend itself to crying easily but it doesnt. it broke my heart to see the tears on his cheeks and the red eyes as he walked out. but somehow it was comforting to know he felt it too, to know this mattered to him.
i just want him to come back. to tell me what needs changing and let me do it. i love him. i dont even know what to do with myself right now. im a total mess but i also feel myself shutting down like this is so crushing my mind cant handle it so ill detach from myself. id do almost anything just to have him call up and say he loves me and still wants to be with me. for him to hold me.
ive been having nightmares about him being mad at me or leaving me for weeks every night except last night. strange. and now hes gone.
i wrote this today:
i would like to say
i would never
beg you to stay
but we both know
i did
as the rain against the window
and the tears against my cheeks
had a steady rhythm,
clinging there,
safe in your arms,
my heart in pieces
at your feet.
i just want him to come back. i cant believe i lost him for good. i just want him back. ill be better this time.
today we met after class. we had lunch at starbucks and then walked back to my place in the rain. he came up and sat on the bed. and he held my hand while telling me it wasnt working. and i cried and i begged him to give me another chance. and he said everything from i dont have intellectual conversations to the sex is boring. and i told him it can be different. there are a lot of things that i can change if i need to. if they are suggested. and im willing. i asked him to consider it. i cried and snotted all over myself. and i held him. clung and was afraid to let go. i showed him my penguin book. and held him more. and i gave him the bunny picture id gotten him for xmas. i think he liked it. i held him and he cried. id never seen him cry before. he has a vulnerability that seems very apparent to be but somehow less so to others. it would seem that would lend itself to crying easily but it doesnt. it broke my heart to see the tears on his cheeks and the red eyes as he walked out. but somehow it was comforting to know he felt it too, to know this mattered to him.
i just want him to come back. to tell me what needs changing and let me do it. i love him. i dont even know what to do with myself right now. im a total mess but i also feel myself shutting down like this is so crushing my mind cant handle it so ill detach from myself. id do almost anything just to have him call up and say he loves me and still wants to be with me. for him to hold me.
ive been having nightmares about him being mad at me or leaving me for weeks every night except last night. strange. and now hes gone.
i wrote this today:
i would like to say
i would never
beg you to stay
but we both know
i did
as the rain against the window
and the tears against my cheeks
had a steady rhythm,
clinging there,
safe in your arms,
my heart in pieces
at your feet.
i just want him to come back. i cant believe i lost him for good. i just want him back. ill be better this time.
(no subject)
i've been on the road too long
and i've been stuck inside a song
and you know our love has been
through rougher weather
but our passion's like a rose
the seasons tell it how it grows
and not much compares
to the times we've shared together
'cause love heals everything
we're no exception to the rule
you mean everything to me
so if there is anything at all
all you've got to do is call
and you know that I would
drive 10,000 miles
just to show you that I care
just to kiss your honey hair
and pull you close
and hold you like a child
love heals everything
we're no exception to that rule
you mean everything
you mean everything
you mean everything to me
and i've been stuck inside a song
and you know our love has been
through rougher weather
but our passion's like a rose
the seasons tell it how it grows
and not much compares
to the times we've shared together
'cause love heals everything
we're no exception to the rule
you mean everything to me
so if there is anything at all
all you've got to do is call
and you know that I would
drive 10,000 miles
just to show you that I care
just to kiss your honey hair
and pull you close
and hold you like a child
love heals everything
we're no exception to that rule
you mean everything
you mean everything
you mean everything to me
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(no subject)
his lips are the kinda thing people should write about. perfect. so soft and pouty. just wanted to say...
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(no subject)
i was trying to think what im going to do with myself now that im single. see not only have i only been dumped one other time in my life, but i havent been single since 2003. and even then the last time i was single i was spending all my time with my soon to be next boyfriend lucas. the last time i was really really single was in 2002/2003 for a year and i totally slutted around. and i considered that. but then i realized peter would no longer be the last one who touched me that way. i want him to be the last one who touched me in that way. if he isnt its like im erasing him. like his body isnt melting into mine anymore. i cant feel his touch on my skin but i dont want to feel someone elses either.
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(no subject)
i wrote this earlier and want some opinions on it. im not fond of it but i need some critisism...
sinking feelings
pushed away,
i had always been
chasing a trauma
i never thought id find.
silence
as my body is
manipulated,
silence
as i become more
uncomfortable.
you lifted me
to you,
then pushed me down
below expectations
into reality.
hands on my
mouth, neck,
my crying
stiffens you.
you leave your pleasure
on my leg
and hold me,
like chains around me
rather than
comforting arms.
i leave you
ice cream
and stained clothes,
'shaking as i
walk away.
sinking feelings
pushed away,
i had always been
chasing a trauma
i never thought id find.
silence
as my body is
manipulated,
silence
as i become more
uncomfortable.
you lifted me
to you,
then pushed me down
below expectations
into reality.
hands on my
mouth, neck,
my crying
stiffens you.
you leave your pleasure
on my leg
and hold me,
like chains around me
rather than
comforting arms.
i leave you
ice cream
and stained clothes,
'shaking as i
walk away.
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(no subject)
talked to peter online tonight. it was one of the best talks weve had in a long time. we are going to sit down and talk sunday.