sarcastic squirrel

i keep thinking itll get easier. that ill start getting over him. but i dont. i love him as much as ever.

i was watching hells bells...the buffy wedding where anya and xander are to get married. and anya was practicing her vows. this episode seemed appropriate.

"I do however entrust you ... um, with my heart. Take care of my heart, won't you please? Take care of it because, it's all that I have. And, if you let me, I'll take care of your heart too.'"

i have a huge headache and a tummy ache and my eyes feel all sandpapery. and i know im not prepared for the test tomorrow. and im not prepared for life without peter. nd im not prepared to go to a group for rape victims and have my vulnerability exposed without peter to come back to and talk it all through with. i want him back more than ive ever wanted almost anything.

so my mom and i went out yesterday.  she bought me new shoes and some stuff for crocheting a scarf.  its been a while and im having some trouble getting it started.  but she also got me the hapy hooker crochet book so im workin on it.  peter came over last night.  we watched some angel and we snuggled all night. 

i still dont know what to get him for xmas. i want to get him something.  but what do you get for the boy who wants nothing?

we also had another talk.  he knew it wouldnt help.  but i knew something was wrong and he wanted to tell me.  im always glad when he tells me.  its  always better whether i feel better or not.  he is afraid we arent going to make it.  he said the conversations still suck.  and he said that i never pounce on him and make him feel wanted. 

i told him ive been usy with starting work and finishing the school term.  ive been setting things up in therapy to work on the conversation stuff.  this is one of my worst issues and it is taking me some time.  i feel like im trying to rush it and i need to be more careful with myself.  i apologized to him for being broken.  im not totally assembled.  this ashley is some assembly required. 

as far as the pouncing that is hard.  its not just my confidence.  i try kissing on him and sitting on his lap to distract him and get him to notice me but he never seems to.  i could all out pounce but i never feel like its a good idea.  he says it is but...ever since he told me that sex with me sucks i havent felt wanted by him, not once.  so trying to get him into it always sounds like a horrible and useless idea.  like it wont matter what i do cuz it wont be any good.  i want him constantly but i dont think it does any good.  and i dont think that showing him would make that much difference.  id like to try but just the idea always just makes me feel bad.  i still want to try.  need to make myself try.  its just that i wont ever know really if he actually enjoys any of it so ill always be self concious. 

he held me and cried into my lap and it hurt my heart but i held him and he pulled it together.  im glad he trusts me.  i want to be there to comfort him.  and i cried and it hurt hi and he held me and wiped my tears away.  and he told me he loves me and hes still here and i pulled it together and we cuddled. 

i love him so much and i will do what i need to to be with him.  im not doing anything that i feel i shouldnt.  im not changing anything that didnt need changing reguardless of him.   he feels wrong about asking all these things of me.  but they needed to be done.  hes giving me the kick in the ass i need.  everyone who knows me from before peter has seemed really impressed by how ive been since i got together with him.  more stable, really having my shit together.  hes my white knight after all.  he doesnt see it.  he isnt impressed.  i went from a girl slicing herself up in his bathroom to one that needs to work on her communication and he doesnt seem to notice. 

i can do this, i can handle whats going on.  but it hurts my heart, all of this.  and hes hurting, i know he is.  but its worth it to me.  hes worth it.  i cant explain it. love isnt logical or rational.  its not brains, its heart.  just trust me that i know what im doing and its the right hting for me. 

peter always has things to talk about. he thinks he bores me but he doesnt. i love that he knows about all these things cuz then i get to hear about them.

sometimes we are talking at night in bed and he falls asleep. and it makes me kinda sad sometimes cuz then i cant talk to him anymore. i like that im still so infatuated with him. i like that its still cute that he hogs the bed and i can open my eyes when hes sleeping and watch him and smile. i like to walk around with him while he talks about random things. and i love that he gets excited about things. i dont generally get excited about things very often. or i dont show it. i like to watch his eyes light up when ideas make him all sparky inside.

i tell him hes an asshole. and he is. but hes also really sweet and caring. he wanted to be my white knight when he met me. then he seemed disappointed by the reality that he couldnt. but i think that he is, in a more reality based way. he just doesnt see it because in the real world the white knight doesnt swoop in and make it all better and rescue the girl completely. he can come in and take her away on his horse but then he has to tackle all the thigns that put her in the situation of needing to be rescued. peter isnt fixing me. and im glad. but hes making it easier for me to fix myself. and making me want to.

today peter and i went to krispy kreme for breakfast. then he drove me to my shoot. the guy was very nice and he had a cute kitty. the shoot was simple and easy. i had a good time. then i went to finnigans. after that peter came over and we watched cars and had sex. he looked at me today like im so beautiful. it was really nice. then we went cosmic bowling. that was fun. i sucked a lot but i found out that one of the reasons my scores were so low was i kept fouling by going over the line and there was a sensor. dammit. now im home. all my poems are typed up and ill take the pictures soon. then the images will have to be edited and the pages will all have to be laid out right. does anyone know how to lay out pages for printing in like a pdf file?

"Bottom line...is the couples that are truly right for each other wade through the same crap as everybody else, but, the big difference is, they don't let it take 'em down. One of those two people will stand up and fight for that relationship every time, if it's right, and they're real lucky. One of them will say something."

i heard this and i thought yeah, and i did and will continue to. no relationship is easy. but "nothing worth having comes without some kind of fight. youve gotta kick at the darkness till it bleeds daylight."

i woke up with a horrible stomach ache. i forced myself to get up and then spent all my studying time puking up stomach acid. then i made myself get dressed and go to school. took a test and i missed the last 2 essay questions but other than that i think i did really well. it took me hours to get over the stomach ache though.

peter and i had lunch today. and we were talking. and i sat in his lap and we were hugging and kissing and it was all cute and great. then i met with a photographer who seems like hes going to be good to work with. then peter and i met up again. and we went and talked to some people about different things i needed to get done. im looking into different counceling. and everything was good. we went to a movie. we saw running with scissors. i did not like it. the trailers look great. the movie is so fucking disturbing and depressing i wished for my own damn death. peter looked visably upset and i would have happily left when he showed signs of discomfort but he seemed to wave away that thought.

afterwards he told me things were over and to let him go. and i couldnt accept it. and i cried and we talked. and he took me to my place out of the public view where id been bawling my eyes out. and we talked and cuddled and laughed. and i feel better. im worried. i love him dearly. he says im offering him the moon. but dammit ill deliver. ill do everything i say i will. and ill put whatever effort is humanly possible into this relationship because thats how much he means to me. all i want is a chance. hes still thinking. he was feeling better when he left.

he hasnt really been seeing all of me. i didnt even realize. but i need to show him the deeper parts. not the depressing stuff but the part of me that isnt toys and pop culture and cute animals. i need to show him theres more to me. im an intelligent woman. ive been afraid of that for a long time because it would mean trying and mean going through what i did when i was younger where i tried and tried and never lived up to my own sky high expectations. but its time again. im wasting my mind. im wasting myself. and its costing me so much.

im watching the saddest love movie i have (the notebook). i miss him.

i was listening to the rain beat against the window earlier. texted him to make sure he was not down with all this weather. i figured he was out with friends. i shouldnt have bothered him. but i did. it was a mistake. he was out having fun and i interfered.

talked to peter online tonight. it was one of the best talks weve had in a long time. we are going to sit down and talk sunday.

i was trying to think what im going to do with myself now that im single. see not only have i only been dumped one other time in my life, but i havent been single since 2003. and even then the last time i was single i was spending all my time with my soon to be next boyfriend lucas. the last time i was really really single was in 2002/2003 for a year and i totally slutted around. and i considered that. but then i realized peter would no longer be the last one who touched me that way. i want him to be the last one who touched me in that way. if he isnt its like im erasing him. like his body isnt melting into mine anymore. i cant feel his touch on my skin but i dont want to feel someone elses either.