took tim to hive tonight. he danced which was nice. i had fun. saw some friends. danced. i still feel at home there. its good.

tim bleached and dyed my hair tonight before the club. im going to wash it out in a minute. and i made grilled cheese and corn on the cobb.

had a good halloween. though i did not get to trick or treat there was much fun to be had. dodger helped (translation: did most of) me prepare my costume. i was a damn good pirate. when i get my digital camera stuff installed ill put up pix. marinet was a wench so that was perfect. dodger was a donut eating cop. halloween is sposed to be scary, right? hehe. we went to hive, which was held in the crystal ballroom this time. more space, and boy did we need it. there were still too many people for my taste.

walked around and talked to people. got up on stage when they did the costume contest, at dodgers insistance. i didnt even make the top ten but there were a lot of people. all well. i danced, drank a shirley temple, hung out. saw leanne, and brenton and several other people. dance with brenton and with dodger. dodger got rather intoxicated, as tends to happen with the zoloft mixed with alcohol. he was funny. but he was also having a blast, which was good. he danced and was all happy. and he looked cute in his jacket and stuff.

went to the tic tok after the club. ate and hung out. ended up getting depressed near the end. was really tired by the time i got home. dodger and i curled up and went to sleep.

there were other things going on. teasing and playfullness. and someone who ive been attracted to for awhile was just made aware of it and while fun, i fear the consequences of the whole thing. i dunno. i wont go into it more.

well i moved this weekend.

saturday. had the help of a very kind person from the damnportlanders community. he helped move all the furniture and the pets and some clothes over in his truck in the rain. even took us to the store to get toilet paper and pizza and soda.

set up the bed. hung out. dodger wasnt feeling well. i dropped the cat on him and he was curled up all hurt. i felt bad so i took my pillow and blanket out to the living room and made a bed. he fell asleep after i left. i heard him snoring. i didnt think hed just go to sleep. i thought hed care i wasnt there. but he didnt even notice. i didnt feel right going back without him asking. i felt out of place and unwanted. i stayed out there for 3 hours. i know i make my own prisons. i know its just me being wierd. but it was really depressing and awful. he finally woke up and we fought and then we went to the bedroom and hung out and talked for hours and then slept.

sunday we organized what we had at the appartment. and i put a bunch of new stuff in the hamster cage. and then helped jess move some of his stuff in. then dean came and met us and we all went to the old appartment and packed up more stuff. then went for a second trip and took the rest and cleaned up the place. i took pix of the appartment, i know i never posted any. ill post them soon. then jess took dodger and i down to hive. it was already like 1am, but it was better than nothing. saw brenton and ilia who are having a baby today. saw a bunch of other people. danced. i was dressed up in my new dress and black wings, spinning around the dance floor smoking a clove like some dark fallen angel. i had a good time. it was october 10th already, today, my birthday. i dont smoke, but every once in a while i smoke a clove. and i still cough. went home and cuddled and talked and fell asleep.

yes today is my birthday. im 23. yay. got up, found the bus stop. realized im a few blocks from multnomah village which is a really nice area. so thats good. went to psych. went to swimming. ate lunch and returned a phone call from my dad and my brother dalton who is home for a week from the marines. talked to dodger who is hard at work putting stuff away. dont really have plans for tonight. class till 630pm. prolly go to the store and do some unpacking. feel free to call!

went to hive last night. barely danced. felt icky and freaked out. but it was brentons bday and i wanted to see him. ilia showed up too. it was good to see both of them. talked to them seperately about whats been going on. brent was as homicidal as dodger. they were both really nice. dodger and i left early. went home. went to bed shortly after. got up this morning and i checked my online stuff and dranks some hot chocolate and ate some eggs. i packed and cuddled fred and dodger. then he walked me to the train station. ive been feeling safe with him around. i feel protected holding on to him. i didnt feel that once i was without him. watched the sisterhood of the traveling pants on the in train movie. it was kinda lame. nana picked me up. we went to dalys for fish and chips and milkshakes. now shes at her waltzing class and im here.

i want to go home. i want to be with dodger to protect me. i mean, i have his leather jacket to protect me, but i still dont feel safe. i dont feel safe or like im doing well. i feel like things are just getting worse. and i dont think theyll ever get that guy. i can see his face now in my head. if only i could draw cuz i cant describe him. i have therapy next tuesday. i get back this thursday. jess is sposed to stop by friday on his way home from the airport. i also need to run to sylvania and get my textbook and stuff for school. school starts monday, 11am. im ready to go back. tuesday i have my annual pelvic exam and stuff. goodie. and ill need to call them and find out if i can get the std testing done at the same time. my insurance doesnt cover it. im gonna talk to my mom. im pretty sure shell cover making sure her daughter didnt get aids from that fuckhead. of all the asshole things to do id say raping someone without protection is pretty fucking evil. not teh worst thing you can do, but not anywhere near ok or forgivable.

i think i need to take a break from the modeling at least for a while. then ill start with only the ones ive worked with before. but right now i dont think i can even do that. the thought of being naked in front of anyone but dodger makes me cringe, the thought of having someone take my picture while im semi or totally nude makes me sick. i need a break. i dont feel like being seen. i dont feel like relaxing and trusting anyone really. well, i trust some people. my friends have all been really great. and my brother was good too. my mom was a real nightmare but no surprise. well maybe a small one. i love you all. ill be back in a few days and ill get around to seeing people. im not going to hide or sit around looking frumpy and ugly so i wont be noticed. i dont want attention from strangers but im not going to turn into a different person. that wont help me.

ive been working on letting myself let go of that shield i had up to keep my emotions in check. but now that im at my nanas im working to make sure it stays up. i just wanna feel safe. and i wanna let myself break down. but not in an environment where i wont have support. i want to go home.

the smell of tarragon always reminds me of my mothers cooking...

ive been cooking the last couple days. yes me. being domestic. dont all laugh at once.

not a lot going on the last couple days. jess went home and then left for san diego. i didnt get to see him much at all. that sucked. and i feel bad for him, he was working far more than he should have been at kumoricon.

saw leanne on sunday. went to hive with dodger. next week is drag night at hive. boys and girls should come in drag. you should consider going if you havent planned on it. even ill have a mustach and stuff. and dodger will be all done up. teehee.

my new kitty boots that im totally in love with have broken zippers so i need to take them back to the store. that really sucks. i really wanted kitty boots. dammit. makes me sad.

last night i got a migrain. i ended up in so much pain and all sick to my tummy. i was puking and feeling overheated though i wasnt and shaking and wiggling around all in pain. dodger was really good to me. and he tried to give me hot cocoa with asprin in it but i didnt drink much of it cuz of my tummy and it tasting bad. i felt better around noon or so and finally slept.

im also noticing that the patch effects me in a way that i hate. i love having the birth control. its easy, it works. but the hormons actually make it so i pms, which i previously didnt do. id always thought the concept was bullshit and laughed about it. im not laughing anymore. it totally sucks.

i had a hard night. did have some fun though. dancing with dodger. but even he cant make me look graceful. i still enjoy being twirled and dragged around the dance floor and dipped by my cute, loving boyfriend. hes a good dancer. i like to watch him dance.

but i also felt out of place. i think that earlier comments made by him about my afinity for bad pop music and whether id feel more comfortable at a normal club didnt help. but it was knowing that i dont know the music and that im just kinda a "weekend goth". and also how insecure i get cuz i cant dance and then i want to dance but i dont want to cuz i go out there and i feel stupid. so i got down and he could tell. i went in and out of depression. i acted bitchy in front of his friend and embarrassed him. there is also another aspect to things which i hadnt previously thought of. the club has changed for me since ive been dating dodger. it used to be a place removed from the rest of my life, a place to get away and have fun with my friends. a place to flirt and talk about things with people and stuff. it was removed from my relationship and the rest of my life. while i love having dodger at the club it does change that. i dunno, im just being stupid.

had some arguements tonight. based around the fact that im really stressed out about financial issues. but all that is bullshit and i hate it.

i know that dodger doesnt trust my love for him. and i admit that hurts. he thinks im going to hate him. that im going to leave him. he doesnt really have faith in me.

i pulled into the bus station and id been mostly fine the whole trip. even talked to dodger. i was much calmer than him. then i saw the skyline of portland come into view and i paniced, i coudlnt breathe. i got off the bus ok. then i stepped into the bus station. i couldnt go outside. i was afraid. if i went out there it was real, i was really back and really that far away from him. i felt weak. i sat on the ground of the bus station surrounded by my stuff waiting for micah. with my last minute of phone battery life i called dodger and tlaked to him. but it cut off dead. and i sat in the bus station crying. i couldnt stop. i just cried right there. i could barely move i felt so weak and my tummy was turning over.

micah came and got me and took me to get food and then home. then he left. i tlaed to dodger online and on the phone. then he went to bed and i went to hive. i wlaked up there. i was doing alright. i was wearing dodgers batman tshirt and pink high tops and a twirly skirt. i was a hit.

i tried to dance. my body and my heart were not in it. i felt sluggish and i danced horribly. i talked to several people. i danced a couple more times, but hardly at all, maybe 3 songs the whole night. the second and third time i danced hard and fast. i wasnt enjoying it. i was screaming inside and trying to spin and stomp it out of me. it didnt work. i also was really glad that brent and ilia showed up. they are good friends. talked about dodger. also tlaked to owen who told me to make sure i dont move down there and then told me i was stupid and that id been used. the club didnt feel right without dodger. i ended up standing in a bathroom stall cutting on my arm. then i was standing there out of it at the club as the lights went on. brent and ilia took me home. they were real nice about it.

nohting feels right. im terrified that im losing him. i hate feeling so alone. i want to be with him. and im afraid that owen is right. and that he is going to be with molly and ill be left totally screwed over. even though brent and ilia said that if dodger hurts me they will beat his ass. and i believe it. they are protective of the ashley. hehe. but honestly if he hurts me then fine, as long as it makes him happy ill learn to deal with it. im hurting already. how much more damage can be done? nevermind, a lot...sometimes i think death would be so much easier.

i have a lot of updating to do. i kept a paper journal and will be copying the whole thing in in the next week.