sarcastic squirrel

i watched the lake house tonight. i liked it. it wasnt great but it was sweet and romantic and sad. i got to be girly and cry.

i get depressed at night. and lonely. im fine during the day but at night its horrible. i hate it.

i still hate my life. an i have watche my temper an i am afrai that if i ever have kids i will hit them. i alreay hit an yell at my cat when im upset. i ont feel qualifie to own a pet much less take care of a human. without having kis or ever having a career the only thing i could ever get that i actually want is to get married. but knowing me if i o manage to get married itll be to an asshole. i ont have the best taste and the only person who woul stay with someone as unhappy as me has to have real flaws. and thinking that the only thing i have to possibly look forward to is marraige makes me feel like im int he 50's, only with birth control.

i want to be a writer but i dont write anymore. i want to make my own clothes an take pictures and o a million other things i never do. and im wasting my mind. i can feelmy life going to waste every day but i cant seem to make the changes in myself i need to make that different.

i learned a long time ago that 90% of the people i meet (an thats a conservative estimate) only care about my looks. they think im cute, hot, pretty, whatever an they either want to be aound me for that or even worse, they have no interest in my company if im not going to fuck them.

a little over a year ago i took the fact that the only thing i feel i have to offer is my body and an the fact that i have no marketable skills an i turned to modeling. it seeme like itd be easy and possibly fun. i gained confidence in myself and my appearance. i usually dont like how i look. but i felt pretty and good about myself. an the minute that happened and i started dressing to match how i felt someone came along and raped me.

an i was back at square one, right where i was in high school. feeling like i wante to be ugly so i could be safe. i use to try and scar my face just so i wouldnt have to fear men attacking me. i figure i be left alone if i was unappealing. im trying very hard now to balance looking good and not looking too good. nice jeans are ok. a short skirt no longer is. an that fucking sucks. the fact that someone can make me feel this way isnt right. the fact that i have to look in the mirror and wish i were repulsive because i fear for my safety is wrong.

i remember when i realized during the rape that i couldnt push him off of me. i never stopped pushing at him or screaming or trying, but i remember tightening my vagina to try and get him off faster. so it would be over sooner. that felt like giving in, it felt like giving up. i was still crying an pushing, but i was helping him. an that felt like i was saying it was ok. like i made it my fault, like i said ok, do this to me.

on september 17th it will be one year since i was raped. and i am going to be alone. at least i canceled my modeling job for the day. id like to say ive quit entirely, but i know that until i find a good job i wont stop modeling becuase i ont want to be broke and struggling constantly. that wont make me happy either. but im not taking any new clients. ever again. i want out and ill get out as soon as i get myself set up.

ive been really depressed lately. its like ive been drowning in this thick sea of something that keeps me held down. i feel like ive given up. like im trapped inside myself, fighting whatever it is that i cant break through to motivate myself. i want to hurt myself often. but i dont. honestly i cant afford to. i get headaches all the time. they make everything hurt. i never write anymore. finishing school feels further and further away. i dont think ill ever have kids. i dont think ill ever finish college. or live in a house. i dont think ill have any of the things i want for myself. sometimes i wish i were dead. sometimes i just wish i were someone else.

today i woke up feeling like crap. headache all day and generally depressed and vulnerable. went to the starbucks and got one of the cat bears that was on sale now. yay. his name is franklin, like the pumpkin. went to fred meyers. which is more of a walk than id prefer but its food stamp day. i knew i wasnt doing well but i wanted to get food. so we went. and then i started freaking out. and ithought i saw things but then they turned out to be other things. and i was running around being wierd. and then i called dodger from the toy section and had him come get me and we left and he and jess and i started to walk back but i wasnt doing well and i was meowing and crying. finally got home. calmed down. been watching tv. my head is hurting really bad and my tummy hurts too. its been a bad day. but i have food again. not that i feel well enogh to eat it.

got like 3 hours of sleep. sweet dodger brought me a croissant and carmel apple cider in bed. yay. had a tummy ache. went to psych. he covered personality disorders. i ended up feeling hopeless and offended. i decided i was too tired and in too bad a mood still so i went home. i just didnt want to be around people, didnt want to deal with them. took a nap. then dodger and i went to mexican food. now i am home. i am tired, i have a photo shoot tomorrow at bagby again. i dont know whats up with me, but it isnt good. i just want to go sleep till morning but i wont. ill watch law and order and stay up on here doing nothing for a few more hours.

i am physically exhausted. just had swimming. was an hour late to my psych class. fuck. he wasnt covering test material though. just talking about different psych degrees and different psych careers. i talked to him afterwards about colleges and stuff. hes a nice guy. i got a D on the test though. dammit. 68% almost a C. its better than the math test i fucked up on. dont have that back yet, but at best its a D. at best. i was hoping for a C on the psych test but no such luck.

im tired and my tummy hurts, it was hurting worse during swiming though. went to hive last night. marinet went with dodger and i. i talked to people and danced and had a good time. then marinet and dodger and i went to sharis and had food. i didnt get enough sleep. but i did get sex, so it all evens out.

still feeling depressed, sad, lonely. and now really tired too. yay.

i wrote this the night before last when i was having a bad night....

why do i equate physical affection with love? why do i equate sex with love? it seems either i want someone all the time and they dont want me or just the opposite. i either feel rejection or guilt. i dont feel wanted anymore. so i dont feel loved. im afarid to touch him cuz it always seems t bother him for one reason or another. i dont feel pretty anymore. i hate myself. i look in the mirror and i want o beat the shit out of myself. i want to kill myself, not as an escape but out of violent anger and hatered. im never going to be who i want to be. im never going to overcome what i need to to be ok.

i look at him and i feel so much love and so much fear.

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late that night he mentioned molly. no matter what i do i always feel, i always fear, that hed be happier with her. or with one of his other exes that he speaks so highly of. i always fear that hed be so much happier with one of them, especially her. no matter how good i try to be with him. and i wonder why he stays with someone so unhappy.

i get depressed and lonely when im the only one awake. and i dont feel well. this sucks.

went to hive last night. barely danced. felt icky and freaked out. but it was brentons bday and i wanted to see him. ilia showed up too. it was good to see both of them. talked to them seperately about whats been going on. brent was as homicidal as dodger. they were both really nice. dodger and i left early. went home. went to bed shortly after. got up this morning and i checked my online stuff and dranks some hot chocolate and ate some eggs. i packed and cuddled fred and dodger. then he walked me to the train station. ive been feeling safe with him around. i feel protected holding on to him. i didnt feel that once i was without him. watched the sisterhood of the traveling pants on the in train movie. it was kinda lame. nana picked me up. we went to dalys for fish and chips and milkshakes. now shes at her waltzing class and im here.

i want to go home. i want to be with dodger to protect me. i mean, i have his leather jacket to protect me, but i still dont feel safe. i dont feel safe or like im doing well. i feel like things are just getting worse. and i dont think theyll ever get that guy. i can see his face now in my head. if only i could draw cuz i cant describe him. i have therapy next tuesday. i get back this thursday. jess is sposed to stop by friday on his way home from the airport. i also need to run to sylvania and get my textbook and stuff for school. school starts monday, 11am. im ready to go back. tuesday i have my annual pelvic exam and stuff. goodie. and ill need to call them and find out if i can get the std testing done at the same time. my insurance doesnt cover it. im gonna talk to my mom. im pretty sure shell cover making sure her daughter didnt get aids from that fuckhead. of all the asshole things to do id say raping someone without protection is pretty fucking evil. not teh worst thing you can do, but not anywhere near ok or forgivable.

i think i need to take a break from the modeling at least for a while. then ill start with only the ones ive worked with before. but right now i dont think i can even do that. the thought of being naked in front of anyone but dodger makes me cringe, the thought of having someone take my picture while im semi or totally nude makes me sick. i need a break. i dont feel like being seen. i dont feel like relaxing and trusting anyone really. well, i trust some people. my friends have all been really great. and my brother was good too. my mom was a real nightmare but no surprise. well maybe a small one. i love you all. ill be back in a few days and ill get around to seeing people. im not going to hide or sit around looking frumpy and ugly so i wont be noticed. i dont want attention from strangers but im not going to turn into a different person. that wont help me.

ive been working on letting myself let go of that shield i had up to keep my emotions in check. but now that im at my nanas im working to make sure it stays up. i just wanna feel safe. and i wanna let myself break down. but not in an environment where i wont have support. i want to go home.

i think i am in one of my depression cycles again. i think im slipping downward more and more. dodger thinks i just have an iron deficiancy from ym period. i dont think so. i think im falling. i think no ones listening. i think im a posting whore.