sarcastic squirrel

im tired and my head hurts. bbut ill post this first.

went fishing for the first time. caught a bullhead or some such shit. little wierd fucking thing. put it back and watched it swim off to tell all its lil buddies about its adventures. had a good time.

was watching the news tonight. i never do that. theres a reason for that. there was a story of a girl missing since the 5th. they arent gonna find her after this long. i dont think so anyways. mentioned something about an ameture photographer. i sat there gripping my burrito and staring down at nothing. i was thinking...i coulda been dead. or worse, tortured and trapped somewhere. it really bothered me. really.

watched law and order svu tonight. that effected me more too. i think i see things differently now. i look at clothes and dancing and everything and think that things are too over sexualized, i notice it more.

my tooth is chipped and i think it has a crack running up it toward the gum. fucking wonderful. dentist time. no more procrastination. fuck.

tomorrow is backpack shopping and school supply getting. and trying to contact the bank credit card lady again. and thursday is going home and friday is seeing jess and getting my school book. and weekend i dunno. sunday is seeing devin. monday is school. tuesday is therapy and planned parenthood. fucking pelvic exam.

the detective called me tonight. he talked to john, the guy who raped me. they took the pictures into evidence. john offered up his dna. he has no record. he says everything was consentual. he also said i sucked him off, which i didnt. he woulda gotten his dick fucking bit off if it ended up in my mouth. the report will go to the DA and ill hear whether it goes to court. i was asked if im willing to go to court and i said yes, ill do anything i need to do. im not going to back down. he was still in town today when they interviewed him. i think he was lying about leaving. he doesnt live that far from me. i want him away from me. mom said to get a restraining order. i feel better knowing they found him and know who he is. maybe i can have a tiny bit of faith in the system just this once. we shall see.

goodnight everyone. love you guys.

i missed the 1pm bus by 20 minutes. this would prove even more problematic than originally suspected. took a 430pm bus out of portland. left micah my keys. oh, backtracking, micah took me to teh e.r. the other night to make sure i was alright. i am. then he took me home and i was so tired but i knew i wanted to leave the next day so i had him take my keys so he can feed fred and water the plants. anyways, got on the bus. made it a little past salem when the air compretion system or whatever got a hole in it and the airstarted to leak out, making the breaks less than effective. so we went back to salem and had to wait a bunch for a new bus. i am freaking out about missing my connecting bus from sacramento. dodger has no phone turned on. so i get a guy who is getting of in eugene to email dodger telling him to call me and find out when ill be in s.f., since it wont be 9am as planned. also i talk to micah who emails him aswell. so, running three hours late. and the dinner stop at 1am is taco bell, which i hate, and i felt gross afterwards. most of the bus people are annoying, except my seatmate, a nice bot from england doing some summer traveling. well the rest of teh trip is alright. i get a seat to mself a few hours before getting to sacramento, and manage 4 hours of sleep. i feel good. i get a bus quickly after getting there and arrive actually at 945am, only 45 minutes late. i set my stuff down within eyeshot. and i stood waiting for dodger. then he finally came up the escelator. and i was happy to see him. but it felt weird too. after so much time of not seeing him it was strange. but we hugged, standing there a long while holding each other. and kissed for the first time in over a month. and then we took my stuff up to his dorm. we talked. my mom hates him with a passion and the feeling is mutual.

oh, yes, backtracking again. went out with my mom the day i wasnt feeling well. helped her find a laptop she is going to get next week. had dinner. she ranted about how much she hates dodger and i told her im still with him and i stood up for him best i could. and she was a totaly bitch. i went back to her place and helped her with some stuff. and she fave me presents from italy. and i told her how i was bleeding and not feeling well. and she ranted about how i cant have kids with dodger, i have to have them with someone she respects. it was awful. i was so angry. she took me home. then i walk in to realize that my fucking computer is dead. the doom hamster is no more. and that im not getting my moms old desktop machine for another week. so i borrowed a laptop from leanne and talked to dodger at her place. then micah took me to the e.r. where i had a cathater put in and it was horrible and humiliating. and i had a pelvic done...in front of micah. that was uncomfortable.

back to my story. so dodger and i get up to his place and a few minutes later gir (ecco) knocks on the door. and i come to the door a minute later and shes like omg. hehe. so she hangs out. and dodger is all headachy and grumpy. and im being mean because i got there and everything felt weird and i felt really out of place and like he has a life here and im just in the way. and i walked him to class. and then i was stuck for 5 hours in a city i dont know well with no money and im cold. so i try to get in the un and out of the wind. first at a bus stop, then on the steps of a church. i huddle up inside my hoody and drink a soda i had in my purse and cut on my arm and press my arm against the stone of the church and leave blood prints. and i talk to scott on the phone and i talk with shawn, my friend in s.f. that was formerly a portland resident. and i sit, huddled in my hoody, cold and listening to my dying headphones. then a crazy guy sat next to me and asked me things then forgot and asked me again. and he said he was a millionair. and he gave me a dollar, which i took. and he told me to take good care of my boyfriend and that dodger is very lucky to have me.

after that i had to pee so i went downtown and went to wendys and used that dollar and some change i had and got a burger that i didnt finish and used their bathroom. then i walked back up and sat outside of dodgers class building in the sun and it was warmer now and he came out after a while. and we went home and got naked and cuddled and then he ate and we went to sleep. somewhere in there i went unresponsive cuz i was feeling really violent and i didnt want to hurt him, id already hurt him and wanted to stop. and he got sad and said he makes me worse, but thats not true. really its that i freak out in different ways around people than i do on my own. i tend to show more obvious symptoms. and theres reasons for that. because thats the only way most of the time that i can communicate. when its online i can type things, but in person i cant talk about things. i also dont respond well to stress or change. both of which ive had a lot of lately. he said something at some point also about fooling everyone into thinking hed changed. and i didnt know him before but when he was describing how he is and how he was seeming to be different and how hed fooled everyone i was thinking. he never fooled me. i knew how he is and who he is, i could tell from the start. and i love him. i love hiim just as he is now. and if he changes ill still love him. but i dont need him to change. i love him so much just the way he is. we slept. and this morning we cuddled. and then we went sopping for food. and now we are about to leave again and come back and do laundry. and work. yes.

now for the update from my trip to seattle...

7-3
it was hard to tear myself away from the computer, from dodgers face and my last chance to tlak to him for days. beat the bus by a block, dragging wheeling lugguage behind me and hauling a backpack too. got downtown to wait for the next bus. the one that trimet.org said would come didnt and i had to wait a good 10 minutes for another bus to union station. then i hauled ass and all my stuff into the train station and into a long line. people tried to cut in front of me cuz they were trying to catch the train leaving in a few minutes. gee, so was i. the same guy totally blocked me when i went to get in the moving bording line too. i tossed my stuff in line and ran into teh gift shop to buy a pen then grabbed my bags and showed the attendant my ticket. its been over two weeks since i was on a bus back to portland. that is not my home. my home is laying safe and cradled in the heart of a man who, as this train moves, gets further and further away. i got an aisle seat. i hate that. had to put my bag in the area by the door and dodgers backpack at my feet. listened to some music, watched the train welcome movie. the in train movie today was guess who? with bernie mac and ashton kutcher. i had wanted to see it but had been embarrassed. i liked it. hehe. theres an hour left of this trip, time for more headphones.
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went and got nana a cell phone. reperfected smiling and nodding. went to dalys for dinner. fish and chips and a butterscotch milkshake from dalys is always good. spent the night at the condo. watched independance day on tv. part of it made me think. he was saying he had been part of something great. youd have to see the scene to understand. he was refering to his relationship, in response to his wife tlaking about career. im not just gonna be dodgers ashley. but this is what i want to do with my life, my relationship with him. everything else is secondary in importance and can be sacrificed if need be. after the movie i was thinking about him, missing him. and i heard a text come in on my phone. i thought perfect timing. but it wasnt him. that made me sad. he hasnt sent a text from his computer at all and i have no way of contacting him. tuesday night ill be back and can see his sweet face again, tlak to him again. nana is kinda annoying me. she doesnt really listen ever or care what i think or say. so half the time i dont even bother.
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7-4
got up late. helped nana learn how to use her new cell phone. it was slightly patience trying, but she caught on. she also gave me $200 for appartment stuff. which means my phone can stay on. yay! went and got a burrito. played spite and malice. i owe her $1.60. haha. damn. the fireworks were beautiful. and they played true colors during part of them, which was my favorite song as a little girl. when i went to sit on the deck in the cold and wait for the fireworks i wished dodger was there with me. instructions are as follows: sit boyfriend in chair, place the ashley in boyfriends lap, put previously mentioned boyfriends arms around the ashley, cover with blanket, tilt heads up, watch fireworks. last year lucas came with me. i texted lucas with a belated happy 23rd bday and texted tom with a happy bday firecracker boy. apparently i like to date boys who are born in the very beginning of july (lucas is the 3rd). wel, no, honestly i just love cancers a lot. also got a call from micah. he was worried about me. he said hell pick me up from the train station tomorrow and on wednesday we will sit down and talk. i would like to be friends with him. i do not want more. i dont know how this is going to go. well tomorrow is maybe movie, maybe cards, definitly food and train. then i can tlak to my boy again.
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7-5
(1:40am) he finally texted me. i feel better now. id thought maybe hed been too busy to think of me and hadnt really missed me. i feel beter now.
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ate, playted more cards. packed. she gave me a billion lbs of fruit to take with me. ate steak and baked potato. went and got on the train. sitting next to an interesting guy. being way too open as usual. hes cute, thinks i am too. hes napping now. 2 hours till we are in portland. micah will be there. sometimes i dont know what im thinking. i want so much for people to be good that i deny any evidence against it.
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micah picked me up. took me back to my place. i went in. i picked up fred. i turned on the computer, tlaked to dodger. its good to be able to talk to him again. ive been down tonight. and i made it worse by reading through a bunch of old shit from my lj's. read stuff about james, the abortion, ect. read stuff from when michael was living with me. read his lj for awhile, but that made me smile. dodger is being goofy. i miss him. will have to remedy that soon. i think my mom gets home soon from rome. thats good, except i have to tell her that i maxed out my credit card...

i need to finish posting my posts from the sf trip but im not gonna do it tonight i dont think.

back to the story...

i watch him and he is just goreous. and i dont think he knows. we tlaked a long time about diferent things. a lot of it about my issues and possible abuse shit. i keep taking pictures of him. i want to take a million or more, want to capture how he looks at all moments and keep them, surround myself with them when im gone.
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he looked at me and said for 33 years and one month i really missed you. he really loves me. i feel so lucky. and i think its ok he loves me cuz im a better person to/around him than other people. he brings out the best in me, makes me try so hard to shed the bad parts. i love him dearly. i hope it shows enough.
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he woke up at 10 am. four hours of sleep maybe. i was tired, eyes burning. i should have gotten up but i didnt. he was yelling at his laptop. he was pounding his fists on the desk. he said it was ok cuz its just a machine. and i said last night we talked about people being machines. he didnt hear me. i saw myself under his fists. more sleep. woke up again. so much heat. he gets out clothes. i tell him they are too warm and he starts snapping at me. more and more i think he could hurt me. i curled up and he got all concerned. he touched me and i turned away. he lay next to me and my body stiffened. i tried to move away from his touch but he kept following. couldnt he see i was crawling away from him? i got out of the bed. hes so upset, doesnt understand. doesnt understand how sensitive i am. dont hurt me. its too easy.
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he is so sweet and gentle, how could i be afraid of him? i dont see how he could hurt anyone except to defend himself, or me. i think he would to protect me. these entries often seem negative but much of my time here has been positive. problem is the big events are negative and the good things are the little things, the moments, the uneventfullness. i didnt mention earlier but we talked this morning also about how i felt he didnt want me anymore. he hasnt been getting turned on by me and hasnt been making out with me. i knew hed get bored of me. he says hes been avoiding making out due partly to all my freak outs and also to avoid frustration while my period is in full swing. i just want him and i want to feel that closeness that comes through that sort of thing. i want to make love to him while i still can. soon i wont be able to touch him. i hold him every chance i get.
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he went to his school and i went walking around in shops. then we met up and had lunch. then i took him to get some stuff he needed. and i got a toddlers ninja turtles t shirt that dodger found for me. apparently he likes me to wear little boys clothes. just kidding. i realize that im spoiling him. and that i cant afford to. and that ill be paying this off for a really long time and will need a job. but i want so much to spoil him that i am regaurdless of how bad itll be for me later. i talked to jess, hell be here in 3 days. haha.
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had sex. lots of really good sex for a long time. he always feels so fucking good. he deffinitly knows what hes doing. he got off like three times and got me off. i am sore and happy. we showered and i am laying in bed now while he works. i love him. so much. in other news...i cant draw and shouldnt try. i thought for a moment during the sex about how much i love him and how good it felt and how i want to be fucked like that and feel him there in me and against me for the rest of my life. i wouldnt give him up for anything and i hope he doesnt give me up either.

so after my last entry they came back and moved the car in front of the building to unload his stuff. i put my boots on and my hoody. i was still in a tiny skirt and tiny tank top. i grabbed my purse and just walked away. and i wasnt totally out of control, which makes it worse. but i had a lot of shit in my head about not belonging here and about how things are over forever. saw ecco but avoided her. my phone had been dying since before leaving portland. bad timing. i called dodger and told him i dont belong here and i would come back for my shit later, tomorrow maybe. i told him i was going home. he didnt like this. i told him i could take care of myself when he said i had no where to stay. he asked if i were leaving him, i told him hed already left me. my phone died. it was dead dead. i thought if i let it sit it might turn back on.

saw pete, that was odd. clung to him and tlaked to him.. went on my way. went through various parts of town, down hill. i nearly got to the water from the financial district. went through china town and a drug area. was surrounded by guys trying to get me in their cars, others made comments, followed me, told me about how i gave them hard ons. i kept walking. i thought about letting them hurt me, making some money maybe. what did i have to lose? then a drug dealing meth addict asked if he could walk with me. i let him. he was high. i told him i was lost and from out of town and id never been to a real city before. i tried my phone. he saw it was totally dead. he told me about parties and stuff. he offered to take me back to dodger. but he walked me in circles showing me his stolen goods. he wanted to fuck me. he was really pushing the idea and leading me in circles to get me more lost. i knew id end up raped. so when he stopped to get drugs from his friend i took off. bye nick.

i kept walking. got more lost. i started crying. but i otherwise kept my head together cuz if i didnt i wouldnt make it. i thought at one point id never get back to him. had visions of sleeping in the cold. contemplated killing myself. couldnt do it to him. the worry. though if i did he could go whole heartedly after molly. i never stopped walking. a guy helped me with directions. so i started finally in the right direction.

met a guy on the way who walked with me. he buzzed random people once we found the building. didnt work. so he started calling up at the building. dodger poked his head out and told me to stay there. after four hours of walking the hills of s.f. through all areas of badness i was finally back with dodger. i asked if i could come in. i was afraid id gone too far, that he didnt want me now. but he hugged me and was happy i was back. and i think we are ok. we ate and talked. and he still loves me. i now know that big city does NOT just mean more streats and that i am not cut out for walking around them alone.
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went out today. dodger and ecco and i. we walked around, got lunch, then went shopping. tried to find a place for my hair stuff but couldnt until after they closed. then ecco went off on her own. dodger and i walked around. we looked for shoes for me and went to a toy store.

then we were tlaking. i make jokes about the bad things i do because it makes it easier on me. he gets moody when i do this. also he is protective of me. he does not want me to do things that he lets other people do. he doesnt trust me out by myself. im not a child, i can look out for myself as well as anyone else can. i dont need to be babied or treated like im stupid, or or foolish, or incapable of taking care of myself. I AM AN ADULT DAMMIT. i am not a child, not in age or mental capacity. why does everyone act like i am. why does everyone shelter me? and since im in a strange town and cant leave his side i am stuck right now. i do love him but i dont need a protector or a parent. im looking for a partner, not someone afraid to leave me alone for five minutes. ive had caretakers and wardens before, i dont need another.