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(no subject)
Jun. 29th, 2007 11:14 pmi am naked in the willamette week. this is what i get for having to sign over the rights to my modeling photos to the photographers...
(no subject)
May. 3rd, 2007 05:49 pmwell last friday i went to liza's housewarming party. that was fun and there were lots of nice people there. i even met tristan, who i have known online for like 5 years.
colin went with me. this was right after we spent 4 hours dying my hair that awesome red color i posted already. and we went to powells where i picked up some innuendo magnet poetry which is awesome. i can say things like "i want to revitalize your downtown area" haha. anyways at the party i went to bite colin in the side from behind. and he hit me in the nose really hard. like right in the middle of the nose. and i cried and my nose bled and it hurt like a bitch.
to clarify, he hit me with his elbow. on accident. but i told him id tell everyone he had abused me. hehe.
over the weekend i met this guy zach i have been talking to online. hes a nice guy. he is graduating from hs in like a month. i forgot what it was like to be around people that young. hehe. but i had a good time.
i havent done much this week. really, at all.
went to buffy tuesday night. only 2 weeks left. ive hung out with tim a couple times.
sunday i went bowling with dan. that was fun. then we went to saturday market. also fun. and ended up at lloyd center at old navy where i pickedup a couple of summer things. yay pretty clothes.
yesterday i was killed by giant hail. *smoosh* not really. but shit that was some big hail. and the thunder scared me. i was out at sauvie island during late afternoon and there was so much hail. and thunder, and rain. and then it cleared and there was a rainbow. and i got honey. its in a bear. yay bear.
colin went with me. this was right after we spent 4 hours dying my hair that awesome red color i posted already. and we went to powells where i picked up some innuendo magnet poetry which is awesome. i can say things like "i want to revitalize your downtown area" haha. anyways at the party i went to bite colin in the side from behind. and he hit me in the nose really hard. like right in the middle of the nose. and i cried and my nose bled and it hurt like a bitch.
to clarify, he hit me with his elbow. on accident. but i told him id tell everyone he had abused me. hehe.
over the weekend i met this guy zach i have been talking to online. hes a nice guy. he is graduating from hs in like a month. i forgot what it was like to be around people that young. hehe. but i had a good time.
i havent done much this week. really, at all.
went to buffy tuesday night. only 2 weeks left. ive hung out with tim a couple times.
sunday i went bowling with dan. that was fun. then we went to saturday market. also fun. and ended up at lloyd center at old navy where i pickedup a couple of summer things. yay pretty clothes.
yesterday i was killed by giant hail. *smoosh* not really. but shit that was some big hail. and the thunder scared me. i was out at sauvie island during late afternoon and there was so much hail. and thunder, and rain. and then it cleared and there was a rainbow. and i got honey. its in a bear. yay bear.
(no subject)
Dec. 4th, 2006 06:10 pmi was modeling for a clothed art class. just had to stand aorund in my clothes and be drawn. the teacher and students were nice. it was high school level. but i think im getting sick. i got so dizzy and i went hot and cold the whole first hour and my lips paled to match my skin. he sent me home an hour early. i felt bad. i wish someone were here to make me soup and watch a movie with me.
(no subject)
Nov. 21st, 2006 11:41 ami met my new therapist today. she was nice. i think itll work out well.
on the way back from that i checked my voicemail. I GOT A JOB! i got my job at subway back that i had like 3 years ago. its in my appartment building and ill mostly be working closing shifts. yay!
hello, modeling job? I QUIT!
on the way back from that i checked my voicemail. I GOT A JOB! i got my job at subway back that i had like 3 years ago. its in my appartment building and ill mostly be working closing shifts. yay!
hello, modeling job? I QUIT!
(no subject)
Nov. 11th, 2006 12:28 amtoday peter and i went to krispy kreme for breakfast. then he drove me to my shoot. the guy was very nice and he had a cute kitty. the shoot was simple and easy. i had a good time. then i went to finnigans. after that peter came over and we watched cars and had sex. he looked at me today like im so beautiful. it was really nice. then we went cosmic bowling. that was fun. i sucked a lot but i found out that one of the reasons my scores were so low was i kept fouling by going over the line and there was a sensor. dammit. now im home. all my poems are typed up and ill take the pictures soon. then the images will have to be edited and the pages will all have to be laid out right. does anyone know how to lay out pages for printing in like a pdf file?
(no subject)
Oct. 26th, 2006 10:44 pmwork sucked. first,t he guys place was freezing. he had fans and open windows. wtf?! then he wanted to stick a paper bag over my head and take pictures of me. that turned out to be not so bad once i was used to not being able to see. then there were some shots on the bed. i could tell by where he stood that he was taking pix of my crotch. but the poses were sneaky enough that i didnt feel i could safely call him on it. then he had me cover myself in baby oil and he sprayed me down with freezing cold half and half. the effect was cool, it looked like white sweat. but it was cold. and i still cant wash the milk smell all the way off. he also kept asking me to suck in my gut like he thought i was super fat or some shit. it was insulting. i dont have a gut.
(no subject)
Oct. 26th, 2006 06:41 pmhad a really unproductive day today. didnt get much of anything done in class. but i got my petticoat for halloween and when i got home my costume had arrived. yay! tried it on. damn its short! it fits nicely as far as the size but damn its short. glad i have the ruffles underneath so you cant see my ass! not so much mad hatter, more like slut hatter. but hmm, looks good.
thorat has been hurting the last couple days.
been in a bad mood today.
working tonight. oh joy.
thorat has been hurting the last couple days.
been in a bad mood today.
working tonight. oh joy.
(no subject)
Oct. 22nd, 2006 04:37 pmworked this morning. had fun. slept in but still made it not too late. after i stopped by fred meyer. and then urban outfitters. ive decided i must have the linus blankie they have. its super cute adn 5 bucks goes to a place that gives hand made blankies to kids in need of comfort. i shall have my own linus blankie!
(no subject)
Oct. 20th, 2006 03:08 pmso i had to go get a paper from the employment department. and i ran late and didnt have my phone. so i was too late to do my shoot. which means i made no money and i am broke. i have money in the bank. but its designated for bills. i suppose ill be using it if i have to spend any money tomorrow. sunday i have a shoot in the morning. then i need to get my halloween costume and see jim, and need peter to look at his halloween options and we were going to get him groceries. and im going to hive with tim. i wanted to go get pumpkins tomorrow but i dont want to spend the money right now.
marc who i was sposed to shoot with today said he could shoot me this weekend so i offered him saturday. or he said he could advance me the shoot fee. hes really nice.
dad just canceled again. gawd.
signed up with the employment office. yay.
after 6 years, seen if you dont count walking up to him and not speaking after i got out of rosement, i saw lawton browning. at school. looks like he goes there. he smiled at me and i smiled back. i was too shocked to say anything. i wonder if he recognized me or just thought a cute girl was looking at him. it was wierd seeing him. i wanted to talk to him. i hated him for a long time but i expected too much from him. he was only 15. he turned 16 right before i assaulted him.
btw look at my new icon. yay!
marc who i was sposed to shoot with today said he could shoot me this weekend so i offered him saturday. or he said he could advance me the shoot fee. hes really nice.
dad just canceled again. gawd.
signed up with the employment office. yay.
after 6 years, seen if you dont count walking up to him and not speaking after i got out of rosement, i saw lawton browning. at school. looks like he goes there. he smiled at me and i smiled back. i was too shocked to say anything. i wonder if he recognized me or just thought a cute girl was looking at him. it was wierd seeing him. i wanted to talk to him. i hated him for a long time but i expected too much from him. he was only 15. he turned 16 right before i assaulted him.
btw look at my new icon. yay!
dance your cares away
Oct. 16th, 2006 01:29 pmi totally bombed my test. ouch.
got my season one of fraggle rock in the mail. yay. thank you dodger!
talking to someone bout doing a bondage shoot but not sure im comfortable with it.
peter called for me to a place for group counceling for the rape. i need to be screened.
got my season one of fraggle rock in the mail. yay. thank you dodger!
talking to someone bout doing a bondage shoot but not sure im comfortable with it.
peter called for me to a place for group counceling for the rape. i need to be screened.
(no subject)
Oct. 10th, 2006 01:11 amtoday i felt sick. barely able to sit through class. left to go to the bathroom halfway through i felt so aweful. also i forgot my phone at home. then i met up with peter and we had lunch and talked. i was going hot and cold and he was sure i was sick. went to get a thermometer. turned out my temp was 96.0 but i think im fine. peter hung out with me a bit. then he left and i hung out here and made coffee cake. before peter left i returned a call from my dad. and he was wasted. an it really upset me. and peter held me and tried to make it better. and he did. but only in the comfort sorta way. cuz nothing can make it better. hes my dad and he makes me so mad. but i still want him aroun. i want him to be a dad and he doesnt act like one. an later tonight wheni got home there was another messege from him. and he sounded sober so i called back. and he was wasted again. and he didnt realize hed talked to me already. an he went on about how he was back an made plans for today which im not sure hell keep. an i was upset all over again. only this time peter wasnt there to hold me.
other thing i did today was i went to pose for an artist. he was taking refference photos. made 50 bucks in about 20 minutes. of course the travel time took longer. the bus was late then i couldnt see the street signs an ended up in milwalkie. i used my only change to call the guy an he came an got me thankfully. we i the shoot an he took me home. nice guy.
hopefully my bday will be fun.
other thing i did today was i went to pose for an artist. he was taking refference photos. made 50 bucks in about 20 minutes. of course the travel time took longer. the bus was late then i couldnt see the street signs an ended up in milwalkie. i used my only change to call the guy an he came an got me thankfully. we i the shoot an he took me home. nice guy.
hopefully my bday will be fun.
(no subject)
Oct. 6th, 2006 05:33 pmwent to class today. missed the street car an was 15 minutes late to a 65 minute class which ended up letting out 20 minutes early. my feeling when i woke up that i should say fuck it and stay in bed was entirely acurate i think. gary came over and tried to make my internet work on the desktop. no luck. hes going to try some other things next week. leanne came over. we did a photo shoot. it involved me an some vegetables being used as my penis. they were phallic. i stroked my veggie cock like a pro. hehe. strangeness. apparently peter is comming over later to use my tv/canble to watch battlestar galactica. help me please...
(no subject)
Oct. 2nd, 2006 10:59 pmno one ever really talks to me about anything. thats because i have nothing to say. i dont have enough knowledge to discuss anything. people tend to fin me really interesting when they first meet me. ive live life. i have stories, i can talk about myself, my issues an the things that have happened to me. but once you get beyond that its easy to fin there isnt much else there. i know a lot about some tv shows, movies, that sort of thing. but i dont know much else. bottom line: im boring. i dont have much to offer. im a sweet girl. and i am intelligent, but im wasting it. im good with clothes. i can dress up an i can match outfits together. i can shop. so basically im shallow and materialistic. greeeeeaaaaat. i ont know who im kidding with this psych degree. i had a more realistic idea thinking i could do wardrobe for tv shows. i know how to make outfit changes for character development and change of mood. i can show things through the way someone is dressed. but all of this sounds stupid and void of any worth to me. peter and i talk online. but in person if we arent eating or fucking he is almost always on his computer or reading the paper. i think i bore him. i dont think he has anything to say to me.
i put some ads on craigslist for modeling tonight. i was a fool to think i could get a regular job. i need to get back to what im goodd at. dressing up an taking my clothes off. im one step away from being a whore. this is what im good at. my body is what i have to offer, always has been.
i put some ads on craigslist for modeling tonight. i was a fool to think i could get a regular job. i need to get back to what im goodd at. dressing up an taking my clothes off. im one step away from being a whore. this is what im good at. my body is what i have to offer, always has been.
im not locking this one
Sep. 8th, 2006 04:37 ami still hate my life. an i have watche my temper an i am afrai that if i ever have kids i will hit them. i alreay hit an yell at my cat when im upset. i ont feel qualifie to own a pet much less take care of a human. without having kis or ever having a career the only thing i could ever get that i actually want is to get married. but knowing me if i o manage to get married itll be to an asshole. i ont have the best taste and the only person who woul stay with someone as unhappy as me has to have real flaws. and thinking that the only thing i have to possibly look forward to is marraige makes me feel like im int he 50's, only with birth control.
i want to be a writer but i dont write anymore. i want to make my own clothes an take pictures and o a million other things i never do. and im wasting my mind. i can feelmy life going to waste every day but i cant seem to make the changes in myself i need to make that different.
i learned a long time ago that 90% of the people i meet (an thats a conservative estimate) only care about my looks. they think im cute, hot, pretty, whatever an they either want to be aound me for that or even worse, they have no interest in my company if im not going to fuck them.
a little over a year ago i took the fact that the only thing i feel i have to offer is my body and an the fact that i have no marketable skills an i turned to modeling. it seeme like itd be easy and possibly fun. i gained confidence in myself and my appearance. i usually dont like how i look. but i felt pretty and good about myself. an the minute that happened and i started dressing to match how i felt someone came along and raped me.
an i was back at square one, right where i was in high school. feeling like i wante to be ugly so i could be safe. i use to try and scar my face just so i wouldnt have to fear men attacking me. i figure i be left alone if i was unappealing. im trying very hard now to balance looking good and not looking too good. nice jeans are ok. a short skirt no longer is. an that fucking sucks. the fact that someone can make me feel this way isnt right. the fact that i have to look in the mirror and wish i were repulsive because i fear for my safety is wrong.
i remember when i realized during the rape that i couldnt push him off of me. i never stopped pushing at him or screaming or trying, but i remember tightening my vagina to try and get him off faster. so it would be over sooner. that felt like giving in, it felt like giving up. i was still crying an pushing, but i was helping him. an that felt like i was saying it was ok. like i made it my fault, like i said ok, do this to me.
on september 17th it will be one year since i was raped. and i am going to be alone. at least i canceled my modeling job for the day. id like to say ive quit entirely, but i know that until i find a good job i wont stop modeling becuase i ont want to be broke and struggling constantly. that wont make me happy either. but im not taking any new clients. ever again. i want out and ill get out as soon as i get myself set up.
i want to be a writer but i dont write anymore. i want to make my own clothes an take pictures and o a million other things i never do. and im wasting my mind. i can feelmy life going to waste every day but i cant seem to make the changes in myself i need to make that different.
i learned a long time ago that 90% of the people i meet (an thats a conservative estimate) only care about my looks. they think im cute, hot, pretty, whatever an they either want to be aound me for that or even worse, they have no interest in my company if im not going to fuck them.
a little over a year ago i took the fact that the only thing i feel i have to offer is my body and an the fact that i have no marketable skills an i turned to modeling. it seeme like itd be easy and possibly fun. i gained confidence in myself and my appearance. i usually dont like how i look. but i felt pretty and good about myself. an the minute that happened and i started dressing to match how i felt someone came along and raped me.
an i was back at square one, right where i was in high school. feeling like i wante to be ugly so i could be safe. i use to try and scar my face just so i wouldnt have to fear men attacking me. i figure i be left alone if i was unappealing. im trying very hard now to balance looking good and not looking too good. nice jeans are ok. a short skirt no longer is. an that fucking sucks. the fact that someone can make me feel this way isnt right. the fact that i have to look in the mirror and wish i were repulsive because i fear for my safety is wrong.
i remember when i realized during the rape that i couldnt push him off of me. i never stopped pushing at him or screaming or trying, but i remember tightening my vagina to try and get him off faster. so it would be over sooner. that felt like giving in, it felt like giving up. i was still crying an pushing, but i was helping him. an that felt like i was saying it was ok. like i made it my fault, like i said ok, do this to me.
on september 17th it will be one year since i was raped. and i am going to be alone. at least i canceled my modeling job for the day. id like to say ive quit entirely, but i know that until i find a good job i wont stop modeling becuase i ont want to be broke and struggling constantly. that wont make me happy either. but im not taking any new clients. ever again. i want out and ill get out as soon as i get myself set up.
(no subject)
Aug. 30th, 2006 11:34 amyesterday peter and i went to the roxy for breakfast. then we went to sparticus. i was amused listening to peter talk to the lady about condoms and lube. i was looking at all the silly stuff they have. bought a lipstick in the shape of a penis. haha.
he drove me home and i sat aroun for the rest of the day. took a nap, ect. watched some movies.
im taking some time off from working. was going to work toay one more job but he postponed till sometime next month. thats fine by me.
need to talk to the post office today and see where my mails been endding up.
he drove me home and i sat aroun for the rest of the day. took a nap, ect. watched some movies.
im taking some time off from working. was going to work toay one more job but he postponed till sometime next month. thats fine by me.
need to talk to the post office today and see where my mails been endding up.
(no subject)
Aug. 3rd, 2006 08:47 pmwell dodger and i have been not terribly nice to each other online. i feel really bad about how things went with him. my mom is pissed off about dodger messeging her. talked to her. shes really glad im staying. she was unhappy at the thought of losing me. shes excited about psu. she wishes id take breaks between boys.
ahh yes, i went to psu to get applications and such. should be no problem. yay. now the big struggle is going to be getting housing downtown i can afford. i want downtown or nw because any farther and ill end up being late or some shit all the time. so the only place i see i can affor is lovejoy station. so tomorrow i need to see if they will take me back. i also need to scramble to get enough money for a deposite and a pet deposite.
oh yeah, fred escaped last night while i was gone. i searched everywhere for her. she finally came back on her own. i was so relieved.
went to the build a bear shop yesterday. made a cow that meows an wears a biker jacket. cow in leather! yay.
went to bagby hot springs today with john for a photo shoot. good day for it.
ahh yes, i went to psu to get applications and such. should be no problem. yay. now the big struggle is going to be getting housing downtown i can afford. i want downtown or nw because any farther and ill end up being late or some shit all the time. so the only place i see i can affor is lovejoy station. so tomorrow i need to see if they will take me back. i also need to scramble to get enough money for a deposite and a pet deposite.
oh yeah, fred escaped last night while i was gone. i searched everywhere for her. she finally came back on her own. i was so relieved.
went to the build a bear shop yesterday. made a cow that meows an wears a biker jacket. cow in leather! yay.
went to bagby hot springs today with john for a photo shoot. good day for it.
(no subject)
Apr. 26th, 2006 10:26 pmit worries me the way stores are leaving downtown. its going to turn into a ghost town.
guy planned a shoot with me. was going to be in seattle. found me on omp. then canceled when he found out my hair wasnt a natural color, even though half the pix i have on omp are with blue hair. its annoying. thats 150 bucks i dont get now.
did a shoot today. wish people wouldnt touch me. no touchy!
i hate math. hate it.
guy planned a shoot with me. was going to be in seattle. found me on omp. then canceled when he found out my hair wasnt a natural color, even though half the pix i have on omp are with blue hair. its annoying. thats 150 bucks i dont get now.
did a shoot today. wish people wouldnt touch me. no touchy!
i hate math. hate it.
met with a photographer this morning. then got together with will and hung out. thats always a good time. also picked up an inflatable punching bag thing of the president. yay.
yesterday i went up to pcc rock creek to get a letter of recommendation from one of my old teachers. went and saw my friends. the campus was different. thered been contrustion. the geeks had their own little lair now. saw craig. ive always been strangly drawn to him. it was good to see him. i was kinda sad he has a girlfriend. we always used to flirt and it was fun. also picked up a leather jacket yesterday. i like it. and it was on sale cheap.
my trip to seattle was ok. saw failure to launch and pride and prejudice. my nana is a major health nut. its so fucking annoying. she wont eat any normal food anymore. she took me to get fish and chips cuz i wanted thme and yelled at a lady that worked there for not knowing what oil they used to fry the fish. but the trip was good in general. no fighting. saw a preview, they are releasing a movie about flight 93, one of the 9/11 planes. first of all ick. second double ick on the exploitation of human tradgedy and also the renewed fear i think itll evoke in people.
my nana is losing her mind. we weere on the freeway and she was in the middle of changing lanes when she gripped the wheel and got all wide eyed and started yelling "where are we going? where are we going?" then she remembered that we were on our way to the movies. said she must have been on autopilot the whole way till then. but really i think that while on the freeway she forgot what she was doing. and that scared me.
my mom is having muscled weakness and soreness in her arms. its been going on a few months. she can barely open doors. its scary.
i went to the dentist yesterday for the first time since i was 19. shes going to check again after a cleaning but so far im going to be getting 13 fillings. fuck! ive never had a cavity before. this sucks. my teeth are so bad she needs to numb me for the cleaning.
yesterday i went up to pcc rock creek to get a letter of recommendation from one of my old teachers. went and saw my friends. the campus was different. thered been contrustion. the geeks had their own little lair now. saw craig. ive always been strangly drawn to him. it was good to see him. i was kinda sad he has a girlfriend. we always used to flirt and it was fun. also picked up a leather jacket yesterday. i like it. and it was on sale cheap.
my trip to seattle was ok. saw failure to launch and pride and prejudice. my nana is a major health nut. its so fucking annoying. she wont eat any normal food anymore. she took me to get fish and chips cuz i wanted thme and yelled at a lady that worked there for not knowing what oil they used to fry the fish. but the trip was good in general. no fighting. saw a preview, they are releasing a movie about flight 93, one of the 9/11 planes. first of all ick. second double ick on the exploitation of human tradgedy and also the renewed fear i think itll evoke in people.
my nana is losing her mind. we weere on the freeway and she was in the middle of changing lanes when she gripped the wheel and got all wide eyed and started yelling "where are we going? where are we going?" then she remembered that we were on our way to the movies. said she must have been on autopilot the whole way till then. but really i think that while on the freeway she forgot what she was doing. and that scared me.
my mom is having muscled weakness and soreness in her arms. its been going on a few months. she can barely open doors. its scary.
i went to the dentist yesterday for the first time since i was 19. shes going to check again after a cleaning but so far im going to be getting 13 fillings. fuck! ive never had a cavity before. this sucks. my teeth are so bad she needs to numb me for the cleaning.
(no subject)
Mar. 5th, 2006 09:35 ami know i dont update much at all anymore. i guess i just dont know what to say. im going to school (online) and its going ok. but i dont really understand why im doing it. i dont feel like im getting anywhere. i dont feel like ill ever graduate or even get into a 4 year school. i dont think ill ever have a career.
im doing the modeling but honestly my heart isnt in it most of the time. most of the time i dont want to be doing it. sometimes i do but mostly not. mostly i feel tired when im doing it. tired, lightheaded, uninspired.
my mom is back from mexico. she still thinks im a bitch. and she has no problem pointing it out. but its all the qualities about me that make me like her that she keeps pointing out as horrible but doesnt seem to realize shes the same way.
been watching buffy. finished season 5 this morning.
dodger is leaving soon. i dont know when. could be tomorrow. could be in a few days. im heading to seattle on thursday. dodger wont even talk about when hes leaving. he wants to act like things are normal until hes gone. he doesnt see what all this is doing to me, and he doesnt seem to care. and i cant talk to him about it cuz it would mean bringing up the fact that hes leaving. and its like im not allowed to do that. i think this is easier for him cuz he has all the control. he leaves to do what he wants and i sit here and wait for him to decide im important. i get to wait for him to decide when he wants to have me down there. i dont know that he will ever send for me. he could leave tomorrow and i could never see him again. or he could keep me sitting here for 6 months, a year, ect. and expect me to wait and be ok while he does whatever he wants and makes his life how he wants it. and i have no life at all. i have nothing going for me. and now ill have nothing going for me and ill be here without him. and thats shitty. no way around it. he could be gone tomorrow but he is sitting working at starbucks right now cuz he works better when hes out. and apparently thats more important than the last bit of time he has with me before hes gone. maybe cuz he can summon me whenever he is ready. its me that doesnt get to choose or even know when i will see him again. he said i sounded upset. he didnt understand why. and if i explain it he will get mad. he think i resent that he got this job. i dont. i resent having no control and sitting and waiting alone for an indefinate amount of time. and it hurtsd that he doesnt seem affected. and that he will be too busy to even really miss me or to talk to me. it will be like he has completely left the planet, cuz for me he might as well be, it would be the same.
im doing the modeling but honestly my heart isnt in it most of the time. most of the time i dont want to be doing it. sometimes i do but mostly not. mostly i feel tired when im doing it. tired, lightheaded, uninspired.
my mom is back from mexico. she still thinks im a bitch. and she has no problem pointing it out. but its all the qualities about me that make me like her that she keeps pointing out as horrible but doesnt seem to realize shes the same way.
been watching buffy. finished season 5 this morning.
dodger is leaving soon. i dont know when. could be tomorrow. could be in a few days. im heading to seattle on thursday. dodger wont even talk about when hes leaving. he wants to act like things are normal until hes gone. he doesnt see what all this is doing to me, and he doesnt seem to care. and i cant talk to him about it cuz it would mean bringing up the fact that hes leaving. and its like im not allowed to do that. i think this is easier for him cuz he has all the control. he leaves to do what he wants and i sit here and wait for him to decide im important. i get to wait for him to decide when he wants to have me down there. i dont know that he will ever send for me. he could leave tomorrow and i could never see him again. or he could keep me sitting here for 6 months, a year, ect. and expect me to wait and be ok while he does whatever he wants and makes his life how he wants it. and i have no life at all. i have nothing going for me. and now ill have nothing going for me and ill be here without him. and thats shitty. no way around it. he could be gone tomorrow but he is sitting working at starbucks right now cuz he works better when hes out. and apparently thats more important than the last bit of time he has with me before hes gone. maybe cuz he can summon me whenever he is ready. its me that doesnt get to choose or even know when i will see him again. he said i sounded upset. he didnt understand why. and if i explain it he will get mad. he think i resent that he got this job. i dont. i resent having no control and sitting and waiting alone for an indefinate amount of time. and it hurtsd that he doesnt seem affected. and that he will be too busy to even really miss me or to talk to me. it will be like he has completely left the planet, cuz for me he might as well be, it would be the same.
(no subject)
Feb. 19th, 2006 04:31 pmi have been modeling. done some good shoots. and ive been doing school. ive been struggling with it. and ive been worrying about next year, about whether im even going tog et into any 4 year schools and whether im going to do ok at one if i do. i am not terribly optimistic about it.
i have been budgeting, financing, ect. ive been trying to make sure that im paying shit off and still leave myself some spending money.
i have been oplaying with the new hammy. she is a happy, hyper, soft little thing. she lets me pet her and occassionally hold her. shes a bit squirmy and a little skiddish still.
dodger and i have been hanging out, going oout to eat, ect. its been nice. i love him and i like spending time with him.
sometimes dodger says things and doesnt think about how theyll make me feel. we were talking at one point and he refered to my life as tragic. i dont think my life has been tragic. i dont think its been anywhere close. i havent always been happy, ive made bad choices. but its not like ive gone through some horrible lifetime channel drama. and the other day he said something about how raping someone is worse than killing them. that the persons whole life from then on is ruined. that it would be better to be dead. and he didnt seem to understand why i got upset. why i didnt want to hear that.
ive been depressed lately. i get like that. and its been heightened by the worrying about school and by the whole moving thing. which brings me to the next part.
dodger went to sf on vday for a job interview for a pragrammer job with at&t. well, he got it. yay for dodger! totally deserves it. i knew hed get it. and it pays very nicely so he wont have to worry about paying rent and such and he can get an ipod and new teeth and a computer ect.
im worried. he is leaving in a couple weeks. and im going to be here for a few more months. eally dont even know how long ill be here. it looks like i have to pay for my own move so i will need to save up some cash. and i have to wait for dodger to move out of whatever place he gets right now and into one thats for both of us. i dont like the thought of siting up here alone. but i dont have a lot of choice. if it goes past june ill have to find a new place to live cuz thats when the lease isujp and jess will be going back to salem for the summer.
my mom is in mexico. saw her before she left. she told me i am mean and cruel. i told her shes getting turkey neck. she doesnt like me. fine. i dont like her either.
i guess im just not having a good time right now. nothing is going right and i cant figure out where my life is going or what ill be doing a month from now. and i cant speak out loud about anything involving moving or whats going to happen or when or how or whatever because dodger gets annoyed and doesnt want me to talk about any of it. im not even sure he wants me to go down there. i dont know what im doing anymore.
i have been budgeting, financing, ect. ive been trying to make sure that im paying shit off and still leave myself some spending money.
i have been oplaying with the new hammy. she is a happy, hyper, soft little thing. she lets me pet her and occassionally hold her. shes a bit squirmy and a little skiddish still.
dodger and i have been hanging out, going oout to eat, ect. its been nice. i love him and i like spending time with him.
sometimes dodger says things and doesnt think about how theyll make me feel. we were talking at one point and he refered to my life as tragic. i dont think my life has been tragic. i dont think its been anywhere close. i havent always been happy, ive made bad choices. but its not like ive gone through some horrible lifetime channel drama. and the other day he said something about how raping someone is worse than killing them. that the persons whole life from then on is ruined. that it would be better to be dead. and he didnt seem to understand why i got upset. why i didnt want to hear that.
ive been depressed lately. i get like that. and its been heightened by the worrying about school and by the whole moving thing. which brings me to the next part.
dodger went to sf on vday for a job interview for a pragrammer job with at&t. well, he got it. yay for dodger! totally deserves it. i knew hed get it. and it pays very nicely so he wont have to worry about paying rent and such and he can get an ipod and new teeth and a computer ect.
im worried. he is leaving in a couple weeks. and im going to be here for a few more months. eally dont even know how long ill be here. it looks like i have to pay for my own move so i will need to save up some cash. and i have to wait for dodger to move out of whatever place he gets right now and into one thats for both of us. i dont like the thought of siting up here alone. but i dont have a lot of choice. if it goes past june ill have to find a new place to live cuz thats when the lease isujp and jess will be going back to salem for the summer.
my mom is in mexico. saw her before she left. she told me i am mean and cruel. i told her shes getting turkey neck. she doesnt like me. fine. i dont like her either.
i guess im just not having a good time right now. nothing is going right and i cant figure out where my life is going or what ill be doing a month from now. and i cant speak out loud about anything involving moving or whats going to happen or when or how or whatever because dodger gets annoyed and doesnt want me to talk about any of it. im not even sure he wants me to go down there. i dont know what im doing anymore.
