sarcasticsquirrel: (willow scream eviltera)
so much to say. ok. so last night i went and volunteered for the no on measure 43 people. i hate making phone calls. but i think it was a good thing to do. problem was i started my period right before i left and started getting my monthly migrain. fucking wonerful.

then i was introduced by the no on 43 people to fiddle faddle. yum! so on my way home, while sick to my tummy and having a horrible headache wher ei could barely walk, i roamed the aisles of the fred meyers looking for fiddle faddle cuz for some reason i just had to have it. rediculous! but i got it and made the trek home. ugh.

at home i was in horrible pain and also way over emotional. i was crying and telling peter how wonerful he was in a very sappy girly way that i have when im flooded with too much emotion. i meant all of it but still. i hate being that much of a girl. tried to stay up but couldnt function. went to bed. lyrras wheel was squeaking horribly and i couldnt deal with it so i took it out of her cage. i coul hear her frantically running about her cage. didnt think much of it. fell asleep.

woke up about 530am. so much head pain. so much tummy pain. got up. dry heaving for like a half hour wishing i just throw up and go to sleep. then fred, who had been running around freaking out, comes into the bathroom. its dark since i cant handle the light. but i see something moving. im thinking shit do we have mice!!! i hop on the counter and turn the light on. its lyrra! she somehow got out of her cage, made a 4 foot rop to the groun, and had been roaming around. no wonder fred was so hyper. greeeeaaaat. so i am trying to get fred away from the hammy so i can catch her. fred isnt going away. shes chasing the hamster. so i have the lights off again since i cant eal with them and im so sick and in crawling chasing the hamster through the appartment. lyrra runs at fred, charging at her like shes bigger than her. and fred...runs! fred is such a wimp. but i love her. then i finally get lyrra and pick her up and pet he ran put her back in her cage. inspecting the cage it isnt open in any way. wtf?!?! its a mystery. i think she got the door of it open and it shut behind her. definitly need a new hammy cage. i got back to sleep after a while.

then i got a call from leanne. and then i texted peter. then i was laying in bed and pge pounded on my door. the guy tells me he is here to collect money from me. i say i just pai them 170 dollars. he says they idnt get it. i say the phone cut me off without confirmation number but it came out of my bank account. so i go look and the charge has been reversed. ok so i havent paid. shit. that means i nee to give them money again. i cant afford that and verizon. but if i ont tomorrow ill have no power. that wont do. so i call and pay. then i call verizon. i ask if i can give them 250 cuz about what i can afford. i owe them like over 500. so i had to pay 272 today an the other half by the 19th. i need to get the rest of what doger owes me and i owe some as well. im trying to set up shoots in the next week or so. i really need money. the comcast bill hasnt even come in yet. ill prolly save that till next month.

i am going to have to work a lot to be able to affor to ddo a halloween costume too and get a bday cake and some snack for my party comming up. dammit. i could really use the 100 my mom was sposed to give me every month. since the move cost so much shes not giving it to me this month.

my head still hurts.
sarcasticsquirrel: (clem  skeleton theothernight)
i just organized all my clothes. i have a lot of fucking clothes. these werent even the ones that im storing cuz they are for winter. and to think i got rid of like 3-4 garbage bags of clothes before i moved.

so my room is done and it looks nice. and on the 24th i am going down to san francisco to visit dodger and go eal with school stuff for fall. i am looking forward to seeing dodger. is there anyone who could drive me to the airport on monday the 24th? its an 8pm flight so i want to get there at 7.

well i havent been getting much work and im pretty broke. which fucking sucks. all my money is going into the application fee for school. my slleep schedual has been really messed up. ive been getting up between 4-9pm and going to be between 6-10am. ugh.

i havent been doing much. ive been sitting around watching movies mostly. an i still go to buffy at the mission theatre every monday night. ive mae some new friends. serenity is a sweety. she is fun to hang out with and she goes to buffy with me which is fun.

my other new friend is peter, jays roomate. weve been talking online and we hung out thursday night. we talked and went to sharis and then hung out some more. he is good to talk with and hang out with. he is cute too. =)
sarcasticsquirrel: (shit saved lethia)
so ill tell you about today. it started off normal. i was sad i didnt have time to pet a fkuffy white cat on my way to the bus stop, but my usual sleepy self dragged to school. i was going to do my homework in class. i get there and i dont understand whats going on. i try to start last nights homework but find i dont understand that either. i get my test back and i failed. i stay after and he helps me but he tells me i have to start committing this stuff to long term memory. if i could do that i would have passed already. im failing the class. this is the 3rd time ive taken it. and i have retained none of the information. none. its like im seeing it all for the first time. i will learn things in class and then i wont know how to do them the next day. and its not just math. everything in my life is like this. i forget almost everything. i write things down, i save all my passwords on my computer cuz i forget. i can never remember how to do thigns. i get reminder calls the day before for appointments and i still forget. my mind doesnt work right. nothing seems to stick. and ive forgetten most everything in my life except the really big things. everything else, events, people, ect are just gone. i read my lj and i dont even remember who or what im talking about. and it scares me. and this teacher who doesnt allow any notes during tests is telling me i just have to start remembering these math things. i dont remember what he taught the other day, i dont remember the info from taking the class the first 2 times, and i dont remember the classes before this that we are building on.

so then i go downtown. i get the hair dye i need, a tattoo devil ducky, and i even got a cheap pair of jeans at buffalo exchange. they fit me perfectly and it only took me a few minutes to find them. thats rare. so im feeling better. i call my dad. he has lost his job again. dont know where hes staying. he says he might be leaving town for a while. shit hes sposed to do my hair. leaving town means drug deals, dodging police warrents, or going to jail. great. or rehab again but i doubt it. im guesssing drug dealing.

i go to the bank and put in the money from the shoot i did yesterday. that should give me about 90 in the bank. seems nice. ill get to spend some cash. i need new sandles, ect. they tell me that im over $100 overdrawn. that means that when i get paid tomorrow if i put the money in to pay comcast not to shut the internet and tv off then the money will be absorbed by the overdraft fees. fuck. i think it must be some mistake. they tell me that my credit card auto payment overdrew me on the 17th. i thought it was due on the 19th. when i came in and put in 30 on the 18th they didnt tell me i was overdrawn. i had been going around using my card assuming i had plenty of cash. but every time i used it i was getting a $35 overdraft fee. thats fucked up. so i go home and check my bank history online and find that the 17th is the normal pay date. fuck fruck fruck. well dodger paypalled me $100 so that and the $125 i make tomorrow should cover this months comcast and the overdraft. but im flat broke now. this fucking sucks. im totally pissed. i know its my fault but shit. the bank coulda told me when i was in there the first time. then i wouldnt have like 5 overdraft fees.
sarcasticsquirrel: (spike dark kindofavri)







i have a very bad shopping addiction. but i should have had enough money. if i had gotten the dates right on my automatic credit card payment i wouldnt be overdrawn like hell on my bank account. this link is for dodger mostly but feel free to donate to the ashley so she is not a broke little moople and feeling all moopley
sarcasticsquirrel: (vampire doll aom_leiconz)
i havent been truly updating much lately.

i have been running around crazy. ive been working a ton. i got up at 6am this morning. that was 20 hours ago. i only got 1 1/2 hours sleep before i got up. i did my second trip to eugene for a shoot. 3 hours each way. leaving my house at 645am and getting back 14 hours later. all travel paid for, a free meal, and 100 bucks. ive been making money lately and paying off bills. i am still working on financing the laptop. couldnt find a cosigner. now that im making more cash im gonna reapply for financing on my own in a few days once its been 30 days. then im going to try a personal bank loan if that doesnt work.

my financial aid should cover most of my moving expenses so im going to put that in savings.

ive been working hard on my online classes. they are going pretty well. i get frustrated sometimes but overall i think they are good for me.

got a really bad migrain the other day and i couldnt even sit up and do my homework. i was puking and laying in bed in pain. having to force myself to eat the chicken soup that dodger lovingly went and got me.

i get these a few times a month, especially on like the first day of my period. stupid female bullshit. but i also get regular headaches almost every day. and half the time they are really really bad. and since i dont take meds of any kind i just live with it. im going to get my eyes checked soon hopefully. they seem fine, i see fine, but im having trouble focusing sometimes. and i get the headaches almost always around my right eye and the forhead space right above it. its like that area of my head has too much pressure. maybe my eyes have gone bad again and i just cant tell somehow. i dunno. either that or im dying. just kidding.
sarcasticsquirrel: (cheerleader army cutout __wastedicons)
i was disappointed in myself today. i embarrassed myself in class. i was the only one who wouldnt dive into the pool. i was never good at diving. i used to do it all the time, but its been ten years and i chickened out. i feel like a moron.

met with a photographer today. have a shoot sunday at 1pm. should be fine.

yesterday was a mixed bag. i got up, got ready to go to auroras. was running late. picked up my phone while sitting at the bus stop and started to call and let her know i was gonna be a little late. phone had been shut off. went back to my place and had discussions with dodger about phone. left. got downtown as fast as possible. aurora didnt answer when i called from the buzzer downstairs. left a messege. went to the bank. went and paid the phone bill. gawd. ive given them over 500 this month alone. this is bullshit. went back. aurora still wasnt there. left another messege. guessing she left without me. that or she flaked beforehand and i didnt know. havent heard back from her. called will who i had plans with for later. met up with him at wunderland. played games. bug bash spit out like 300-400 tickets and the people let me keep them. i got a bunch of little stuffed animal keychains out of the claw machines. got some other stuff with my tickets. had a good time. will is fun. we went to get some food. he has a good sense of humor, amusing guy. hehe. dropped me at the max. i came home and hung out.

still having trouble with my computer. have to find and reinstall drivers so my sound works and my task manager still cant be brought up. anyone know what thats about?
sarcasticsquirrel: (need you daciocainesparrow)
today was a hard day. i had altered my sleep schedual in the last few days so that i could be awake when dodger is. his sleep schedual is in constant movement. well he said he would spend some time with me last night. but he kept working non stop.

i ended up getting upset. i feel like i never see him. like he is here but hes not cuz he ignores me the whole time. he gives me a hug when he smokes and occassionally brings me in some food. that doesnt count as spending time with me. i got upset. i said i wasnt going to bother to be up with him anymore. he said he wasnt going to give up his work ethic. he didnt finish the sentence but i know he was thinking he wouldnt do it for me, but not in as kind of words. i was mean. i said he was doing this to earn money to move somewhere where hell have even less time for me. and its true but i shouldnt have said it. ive known the whole time that this move is not whats good for me, but that im doing it to be with him. im disrupting my school and giving up all my friends, family, everything i know to sit in an appartment alone while hes at school, and being ignored when he is home. i will be isolated and alone. its all for him. everything is. everything ive been doing since i met him is for him. none of it has been for me. he says he works for both of us but i know that if he cant get the money to take me with him he will have to leave me here. ive bent over backwards to do everything i can for him but i know he can and will leave.

i went to the bank. had to pay 173 in overdraft. dodger had to lend me 60 just to do it. came back. he stayed up 21 hours to spend time with me when i got home so i wouldnt be mad at him. i know he loves me. i dont doubt that. but i also know that its like im alone almost all the time. he works twice as much as anyone else and he sleeps all the rest of the time. hes asleep often when im awake, or he sleeps when im at school so if i want to spend time with him i have to stay up really late after being up early. it sucks. i just want to know that if i take the effort to be awake to be with him taht he will take a little time out to aknowledge that im there. more than the minute it takes to hug me opn his way to the deck to smoke.

i felt myself shut down while i was out today. i know what its like to be alone, or to feel the closeness in my relationship fall away. i know the cold detachment i get. its self defense. but its still cold. i knew i was gonna come home and cut on myself. i knew i wasnt doing well. but i figured i could handle it. id just pretend that i didnt care. id ignore him. he was sad and upset when i came back. i did warm up to him eventually. i comforted him and held him and i took him to bed and tucked him in.

the internet went down again. for a few hours. i called and i think the young clueless man in canada that took my call actually fixed it.

i love my boyfriend very very much. i just have a hard time sometimes. i try so fucking hard to make this work. sometimes i feel like it doesnt matter what i do.
sarcasticsquirrel: (cat spring)
well the internet got turned back on today. kfkvfkvlv/n.b ,kcxhkdcloyp6l,.b v v,jckgfkfjdsmf;f. that was freds part of the post. she is a kitty cat and she type type types and she type type types. anyways. checked my bank account and im way overdrawn. dammit. just what i fucking need.

last night my mom took me o mccormick and shmicks. spellling be damned. it was good. then we went to the lion king. really good seats. fucking amazing production. loved it.

ive been really depressed lately. i dunno why.
sarcasticsquirrel: (Default)
i went to verizon to give them the only money i have and get the phones back on. they want a minimum of 436 dollars on a 535 dollar bill to turn them back on! that includes the 21 in activation fees. fuck! fuck fuck fuck. so i was pissed and i walked home all pissed off. i cant give them that much. so i come home and the cable internet/tv is off too. great. fucking wonderful. so not only do i not have a phone but i have no fucking internet or tv. only thing left is the lights. ironically enough dodgers computers are still online since he uses a wireless thingy. im really fucking pissed off. ive had my phone be turned off before, but nothing else. i cant fix this. now not only am i having to do the modeling again, but since not enough of the people ive worked for are ready to give me work and i need such immediate money i have to go work with new people. i emailed a few and im putting myself back up on craigslist again. im also going to try and sell off some of my stuff. this fucking sucks. i might as well go whore myself. why not make some cash off it if they are going to take it anyways. why let them hurt me and have it for free too?
sarcasticsquirrel: (Default)
my phone has been shut off. ill try to remedy this tonight. the cable internet/tv, and the power should be the next to go off, and itll be soon.

i need to make 1,150 on top of my disability money this month to pull us out of the hole and be all caught up so that next month is a managable amount. thats not including my credit card debt, only the monthly minimum payment on that. *sigh*

i sent out meails to the photographers ive worked with. im going back to work because i cant afford not to. life is shit.
sarcasticsquirrel: (no angel oollah)
well ive been laying low this week. fred got worm treatment. but that involved her having runny shits all over my bed and floor while i was in the bath. i love her, but fucking cat. i had to clean it up, gagging and being grossed out the whole time.

so the debt toll is rising. need to pay like 800 in bills and owe like 2k on the credit card. i dont even know what to do at this point. i have a job app. for the goodwill like a couple blocks from my house. turning that in tomorrow and selling some cds.

saw bobby yesterday. he took me to krispy kreme and we went to the party store and then to chipotle grill and hot topic. at hot topic he got me an early bday gift. shoes with kittie heads on them! yay!!! at the party store i wanted a bunch of the gothy halloween stuff but couldnt afford it. the whole time we were running around i had to deal with him touching me, p[utting his hands down the back of my pants, undoing my bra, trying to kiss me, making vulgar comments and rude semi joking proposals of lude acts. i need to remember not to hang out with him. we even had to drop by his place and he was trying to grab me and lay me on the bed with him. ive never elbowed, smacked, hit, shoved one person so much in one day. the fucker doesnt understand the word no, nor the phrase i dont want to. never again, never again.

went to do a photo shoot with john today. he is the photographer i work with most often. we did some indoor work today. weve also done some stuff out at the nude beach at sauvie island. hes a really nice guy. and one of the most respectful photographers ive come across. the steady work is really helpful too. i work with him about once a week.

not much else going on. bored tonight. bored most nights.
sarcasticsquirrel: (Default)
well im broke as usual. this time i need 700. and thats not counting next months bills which arent in yet. greeeaaaaat. anyone have any ideas? the modeling doesnt exactly bring in the mad cash if ya know what i mean.

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sarcastic squirrel

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