i freaked out and scared dodger. poor boy. watched some movies tonight. closer and the notebook. was making a post but firefox froze so lets try this again.
when i started this last time my heart was racing and i was so embarrassed.
i am kinda wierd about sex. there is a reason this post is friends only. i can talk about sex. i do it all the time. the talking that is. but its more in a general or joking sense. i cannot talk about what i like and stuff like that in a serious way. i cannot even tlak to my own boyfriend about my likes and dislikes and what gets me off. i sent him an email and even that nearly sent me into a heart atack. its so lame that i couldnt even do it in an aim convo, especially with the web cams on.
when i was younger i didnt like anyone to touch me. i would totally freeze up at any contact. then when i turned 16 i started groping everyone. i had no boundaries, not the normal ones, i had no sense of others space. i started dressing all tight short clothes. but i still didnt want to be touched by people unless i was touching them first. and i still had issues when touched in a sexual way een by the guy i was sorta seeing. he said i was like making out with a blow up doll. hes right. i stiffened and stared off, couldnt llook at him, didnt respond.
i started dating a guy named jon when i was 18, senior in high school. id never even seen a penis. yeah, i was lame. like the first or second night we were dating he shoved his fingers in me. he was the first. i handled it ok. and was amused at giving him blue balls. eventually i saw his penis. i know, shocking. and i did jerk him off. but he was scared to show me his dick cuz i was so scared to even see it. but i did jerk him off. and i did give him head. and i didnt sleep with him for a while. and he stopped kissing me even, said it wasnt going anywhere. he tried to stick his dick in me before i allowed ihm to. not fucking him was such a problem that i eventually just fucked him so he would stop being mad at me. and it hurt so damn bad. i cried and screamed. i lay on the bed afterwards, he made me keep going till he was done, said he had to break me in. i laid there after crying and curled in a ball saying dont touch me dont touch me. our sex life was pathetic. and it took a while longer before i let him go down on me. and even then i would put a pillow between my ower and upper halves so he couldnt watch my reactions as he got me off. i dont like people seeing me react during sex or seeing me get off. it makes me very self concious. i also am always worried im not doing enough or not doing the right thing or something. another thing with jon was that he constantly wanted me to make fake noises which i wouldnt and he wanted me to get breast implants and be a stripper or be in porn mags. he wanted a porno girl. and he would turn down sex for everquest, d&d, and porn! porn! its like hmm jerk off to porn or fuck your girlfriend? porn. crazy fucker. he also tried to get me to do a net porn site he was gonna make to make money off of me. anyways...
when i dated james i was starting to descover that i was no longer the ugly freak girl no one wanted. and that i had power. i also was seeing that i wanted control so i oculd feel safe. i always wanted to be on top. so i could stop it at any time. i wouldnt let him jerk off. i would fuck him for a few minutes then send him home and since he couldnt jerk off he had to wait to seee if id let him cum the next day. i liked the power. still wasnt getting off during intercourse. finally did, took a lot of effort that we usually didnt go to. i wanted the control more than the orgasm. once i teased him for 24 hours. a days worth of up, down, up, down...after 24 hours of that i made the mistake of being naked when he was naked. and he held me on top of him while he fucked me and i was screaming stop in his ear the whole time. he was also the one who got my pregnant. i was comfortable with him. but thats because i wasnt trying to be good in bed, or react. i was only trying to have power and control.
then i was single for a year. most of my interactions involved me laying there hiding my face in their neck so as not to have them see the look of pain and fear. i felt empty. i didnt suck their dicks and i didnt get off. i fucked people for rides home or for the company, to have someone close to me and maybe someone in the bed at night for a night. i felt awful. and i was so unresponsive that i was told repeatedly that i was bad in bed and had one guy say i thought you knew what you were doing! i was told i was only slightly better than masturbation, and only because fucking me involved a pussy. some would fuck me and not even kiss me. i felt awful.
jason was an exception. we were very compatable. it was odd really. at first it was a lot of me controling him, riding him till he came numerous times, biting him and leaving big bruises on his neck. he let me control him, he seemed to love it. but i also let him fuck me, and be in control sometimes. and we worked well. i made noise, i responded, we had fun. i did things i havent done with anyone else. and when we were in different states i would let him listen to me masturbate over the phone and tell him when and for how long he could jerk off, not letting him get off a lot of the time. i still liked the control aspect. but we also had a healthy sex life outside of it. that was a really positive experience for me. one of the only ones.
then i dated tom. he started off shy. he was young. cute. but i took him to my place the first time and he pounced on me. i was shocked. id assumed the innocent little one didnt know what he was doing. i assumed wrong. but it was a pleasant surprise. he was hot and good in bed and lasted a fairly long time most times. i was nervous with him, but i got more comfortable over time. i even trusted him enough to let him blindfold me. i was still self concious about my reactions and about my inability to get off in any timely manner. he would get so determined to get me off. and i felt so bad when i didnt. but i did sometimes. i let him do something that was very hard for me. i let him take pictures of me naked, but not just that, i let him take pictures of the reaction on my face as he went down on me. dont ask about the coreography on that, it was funny. there was a lot of love and trust. but i still had my insecurities and issues.
i was very nervous with the couple people i slept with after dating tom. hsuan didnt think i was good at all. and anti was very patient with me, which was nice, but he musta thought i was a royal tard.
then there was lucas. i had a lot more experience than him. but we worked well together. and the things he didnt know as much about i trained him in. i was very nervous about telling him what i wanted. and i was very insecure about making noise or showing reaction. i was also nervous to be gone down on or to give him head. he always seemed to enjoy sex with me. he did make fun of my reactions sometimes, even only in teasing that was hard for me. really made me self concious. when we started having sex less, which was due to my sex drive for some reason, obviously it effected our sex life. i was also having pain a lot during sex. which is a normal thing for me. but it seemed to get worse sometimes. well, through no fault of his i ended up getting myself off afterwards most times with the vibrator i kept in my desk. the fact that i coudl do that with him there was a big deal. i trusted him. i was comfortable. it didnt happen overnight but it did happen. i was still shy about giving head. always felt inadequit at that. it doesnt help that my jaw is fucked up and hurts a lot. i was always nervous, like i am with anyone, to do anything becuase the person might not like it. or i might seem foolish. i am so insecure. and i dont like my body at all. which makes things even harder.
now i am dating dodger. well, i am less experienced than him, to say the very least. i am also a lot more boring than him. one helpfull thing is that he likes to have sex while the girl is clothed. so my body image issues lessen considerably. but then there is the issue of the fact that i feel very inexperienced and sadly quite vanilla. i am afraid of not reacting enough, but also of my reactions because they make me self concious cuz i seem silly. i am afraid to do anything, but also afraid i dont do enough. i am self concious about everything. and i havent given him head cuz im afraid of sucking, not in the way im meant to. im afraid im one big disappointment. im also afraid cuz i dont have a lot of experience beyond very boring type things and i havent really been very active in my sex life. and i know the things that turn him on and i am afraid ill turn out not to be any good for that. im afraid of boring him, or being too nervous or unskilled to do anything other than what im doing.
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