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Jul. 19th, 2005
(no subject)
Jul. 19th, 2005 11:53 amhad a really bad day. starting with early monday morning after hive. arguing with dodger. and not being ok with the way he was expressing things. and we dont usually, ok we never, argue. so it was really kinda unnerving for me. and i know the whole thing was hard on him.
went to sleep and blew off all my appointments. slept till late in the night. woke horribly depressed and lonely, worse than the night before. felt awful. freaked out while on the phone with dodger. stopped speaking and he thought i was offing myself. but id really just gone unmoving and unspeaking like i do. we had a hard night. i dont think either of us was doing well. i know i wasnt. im still not.
i havent gone to bed yet. not sure why. and i see him sleeping there. i woke him once, then watched him lay there. then my dad called. and i talked to him. he asked why i hadnt called and i was like i have no number for you. and hes like well this is my cell number, i thought you woulda gotten it cuz ive calleda few times. and im like well if you never leave a voicemail how should i know its your number? he was upset. and also said i havent called devin. thats true and thats my bad. but he hasnt called me either. going to see my dad and gevin and griffin tomorrow. unless my dad doesnt call or bails on me or soemthing like usual. itd be good to see them all. my dad is gonna be working in a new hair salon. and hes living there in the basement of the shop. so sounds like he has his shit together and im going to the opening. im glad hes doing beter. hes still a fucking horrible father and a big fat disappointment. and im sorta thinking he might be dealing a bit again but i cant be sure. either that or his friends are awfully nice buying him plane tickets across country. never know. he always leaves me in a bad mood. why cant i have parents who are nice, responsible, and non damaging? is that so much to ask? one that doesnt hit me, emotionally abuse me, neglect me, act like a child, do or deal drugs, or be an alcoholic? i dont think that should be such a tall order. but apparently it is. am i old enough that it shouldnt matter at this point? p[robably. but it does bother me. whether it should or not.
im watching dodger still laying in bed. i called him a second time and he blew me off pretty much. so i take no responability for the fact that im watching him lay in bed while he should be showering and about to run off to class. im not his fucking mother. if he wants to blow things off thats his deal. i will not take care of him. i will not baby him. i will not take responsability for him. he would resent it if i did. and i sure as hell would too. next time he asks me to wake him up its gonna be a big no comming out of my mouth cuz he hasnt listened to me once.
went to sleep and blew off all my appointments. slept till late in the night. woke horribly depressed and lonely, worse than the night before. felt awful. freaked out while on the phone with dodger. stopped speaking and he thought i was offing myself. but id really just gone unmoving and unspeaking like i do. we had a hard night. i dont think either of us was doing well. i know i wasnt. im still not.
i havent gone to bed yet. not sure why. and i see him sleeping there. i woke him once, then watched him lay there. then my dad called. and i talked to him. he asked why i hadnt called and i was like i have no number for you. and hes like well this is my cell number, i thought you woulda gotten it cuz ive calleda few times. and im like well if you never leave a voicemail how should i know its your number? he was upset. and also said i havent called devin. thats true and thats my bad. but he hasnt called me either. going to see my dad and gevin and griffin tomorrow. unless my dad doesnt call or bails on me or soemthing like usual. itd be good to see them all. my dad is gonna be working in a new hair salon. and hes living there in the basement of the shop. so sounds like he has his shit together and im going to the opening. im glad hes doing beter. hes still a fucking horrible father and a big fat disappointment. and im sorta thinking he might be dealing a bit again but i cant be sure. either that or his friends are awfully nice buying him plane tickets across country. never know. he always leaves me in a bad mood. why cant i have parents who are nice, responsible, and non damaging? is that so much to ask? one that doesnt hit me, emotionally abuse me, neglect me, act like a child, do or deal drugs, or be an alcoholic? i dont think that should be such a tall order. but apparently it is. am i old enough that it shouldnt matter at this point? p[robably. but it does bother me. whether it should or not.
im watching dodger still laying in bed. i called him a second time and he blew me off pretty much. so i take no responability for the fact that im watching him lay in bed while he should be showering and about to run off to class. im not his fucking mother. if he wants to blow things off thats his deal. i will not take care of him. i will not baby him. i will not take responsability for him. he would resent it if i did. and i sure as hell would too. next time he asks me to wake him up its gonna be a big no comming out of my mouth cuz he hasnt listened to me once.
(no subject)
Jul. 19th, 2005 10:28 pmim getting worse. i know, is that possible? now i wake up depressed and panicked. and i cant shake it. i just feel bad all the time now. and scared, and freaked out. i dont know how to function like this. i cant function like this. i dunno. i dunno what to do anymore.
