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Nov. 4th, 2005
(no subject)
Nov. 4th, 2005 04:34 amhad an arguement with dodger about my last post. he said that i should call the DA's office. he doesnt understand. i have such a hard time making phone calls even when i know what to say and who to talk to. but to call up and be like um...this is my name and i got raped and i have no clue who has my case or whats going on...i cant do that. if i could make phone calls id have my teeth fixed and my eyes checked and a primary care dr.
then i said it was better this way. that its a he said she said case and id only be humiliated by going to trial. and thats when he got angry. said i might as well put up a web site that says rape is ok. he doesnt get it.
there is no evidence. i cant prove anything. i look bad for many reasons. whether its fair or not the reason i was there (the nude modeling) wont look good. beyond that he touched me in ways i didnt like before he attacked me. and i didnt leave cuz i was too scared of saying something. then there is the fact that i am what is generally refered to as an unreliable witness. i am mentally ill, not on meds, and a convicted felone. i dont look good in court. and i tried to explain to him that my whole life ive never been believed about anything. no one has ever taken me seriously. everyone in any position of power has told me that my perceptions of reality arent real. and now i am supposed to go to court and be in a situation where its my word against someone elses? with no physical evidence? ill be torn apart on the stand.
but he is angry. because i wont go hunt down a DA to find out whats going on. im willing to go to trial. but i dont want to go hunting for whoever has my case so they can tell me they have nothing to prosecute on.
then i said it was better this way. that its a he said she said case and id only be humiliated by going to trial. and thats when he got angry. said i might as well put up a web site that says rape is ok. he doesnt get it.
there is no evidence. i cant prove anything. i look bad for many reasons. whether its fair or not the reason i was there (the nude modeling) wont look good. beyond that he touched me in ways i didnt like before he attacked me. and i didnt leave cuz i was too scared of saying something. then there is the fact that i am what is generally refered to as an unreliable witness. i am mentally ill, not on meds, and a convicted felone. i dont look good in court. and i tried to explain to him that my whole life ive never been believed about anything. no one has ever taken me seriously. everyone in any position of power has told me that my perceptions of reality arent real. and now i am supposed to go to court and be in a situation where its my word against someone elses? with no physical evidence? ill be torn apart on the stand.
but he is angry. because i wont go hunt down a DA to find out whats going on. im willing to go to trial. but i dont want to go hunting for whoever has my case so they can tell me they have nothing to prosecute on.
(no subject)
Nov. 4th, 2005 09:57 pmwent to do modeling for a drawing class tonight. but i got confused when i was making the bus schedual online and ended up no where near where i needed to be. id been scared about getting lost. i hadnt wanted to go. and hey, i had a right to be all anxious. i fucked up majorly. had to call dodger who tried to direct me then realized i was in a completely wrong place. so i went home feeling stupid.
tomorrow im going to brightenbush hotsprings. should be fun.
tomorrow im going to brightenbush hotsprings. should be fun.
