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i know i dont update much at all anymore. i guess i just dont know what to say. im going to school (online) and its going ok. but i dont really understand why im doing it. i dont feel like im getting anywhere. i dont feel like ill ever graduate or even get into a 4 year school. i dont think ill ever have a career.
im doing the modeling but honestly my heart isnt in it most of the time. most of the time i dont want to be doing it. sometimes i do but mostly not. mostly i feel tired when im doing it. tired, lightheaded, uninspired.
my mom is back from mexico. she still thinks im a bitch. and she has no problem pointing it out. but its all the qualities about me that make me like her that she keeps pointing out as horrible but doesnt seem to realize shes the same way.
been watching buffy. finished season 5 this morning.
dodger is leaving soon. i dont know when. could be tomorrow. could be in a few days. im heading to seattle on thursday. dodger wont even talk about when hes leaving. he wants to act like things are normal until hes gone. he doesnt see what all this is doing to me, and he doesnt seem to care. and i cant talk to him about it cuz it would mean bringing up the fact that hes leaving. and its like im not allowed to do that. i think this is easier for him cuz he has all the control. he leaves to do what he wants and i sit here and wait for him to decide im important. i get to wait for him to decide when he wants to have me down there. i dont know that he will ever send for me. he could leave tomorrow and i could never see him again. or he could keep me sitting here for 6 months, a year, ect. and expect me to wait and be ok while he does whatever he wants and makes his life how he wants it. and i have no life at all. i have nothing going for me. and now ill have nothing going for me and ill be here without him. and thats shitty. no way around it. he could be gone tomorrow but he is sitting working at starbucks right now cuz he works better when hes out. and apparently thats more important than the last bit of time he has with me before hes gone. maybe cuz he can summon me whenever he is ready. its me that doesnt get to choose or even know when i will see him again. he said i sounded upset. he didnt understand why. and if i explain it he will get mad. he think i resent that he got this job. i dont. i resent having no control and sitting and waiting alone for an indefinate amount of time. and it hurtsd that he doesnt seem affected. and that he will be too busy to even really miss me or to talk to me. it will be like he has completely left the planet, cuz for me he might as well be, it would be the same.
im doing the modeling but honestly my heart isnt in it most of the time. most of the time i dont want to be doing it. sometimes i do but mostly not. mostly i feel tired when im doing it. tired, lightheaded, uninspired.
my mom is back from mexico. she still thinks im a bitch. and she has no problem pointing it out. but its all the qualities about me that make me like her that she keeps pointing out as horrible but doesnt seem to realize shes the same way.
been watching buffy. finished season 5 this morning.
dodger is leaving soon. i dont know when. could be tomorrow. could be in a few days. im heading to seattle on thursday. dodger wont even talk about when hes leaving. he wants to act like things are normal until hes gone. he doesnt see what all this is doing to me, and he doesnt seem to care. and i cant talk to him about it cuz it would mean bringing up the fact that hes leaving. and its like im not allowed to do that. i think this is easier for him cuz he has all the control. he leaves to do what he wants and i sit here and wait for him to decide im important. i get to wait for him to decide when he wants to have me down there. i dont know that he will ever send for me. he could leave tomorrow and i could never see him again. or he could keep me sitting here for 6 months, a year, ect. and expect me to wait and be ok while he does whatever he wants and makes his life how he wants it. and i have no life at all. i have nothing going for me. and now ill have nothing going for me and ill be here without him. and thats shitty. no way around it. he could be gone tomorrow but he is sitting working at starbucks right now cuz he works better when hes out. and apparently thats more important than the last bit of time he has with me before hes gone. maybe cuz he can summon me whenever he is ready. its me that doesnt get to choose or even know when i will see him again. he said i sounded upset. he didnt understand why. and if i explain it he will get mad. he think i resent that he got this job. i dont. i resent having no control and sitting and waiting alone for an indefinate amount of time. and it hurtsd that he doesnt seem affected. and that he will be too busy to even really miss me or to talk to me. it will be like he has completely left the planet, cuz for me he might as well be, it would be the same.
