sarcastic squirrel

i take everyone for granted. im spoiled and selfish. i treat people badly. dodger, lucas. there wasnt something wrong with them, there was something wrong with me. and i hurt them.

-peter, im sorry. its not personal. just because i hate my life doesnt mean i dont like being with you. things are just bad for me. im sorry. i love you very much.


This old house is falling down around my ears
Im drowning in a river of my tears
When all my will is gone you hold me sway
I need you at the dimming of the day

i feel like shit right now. and i have some rash on my torso thats annoying me. and i felt fat in the bath, my legs looked huge. and i had a really hard convo with lucas last night and it really made me feel shitty. and i told him to listen to a song cuz dunno, but hes mad about it. and im not doing well. and i cant talk to dodger about it. i really shouldnt talk to him at all cuz he needs to work and if im not doing well then it ruins everything. i always ruin things somehow. so the best thing i could do for him is disappear. i dont know why i get like this. i just do. i get really fucked up sometimes.

it has been a wierd evening. lucas offered to pay off my debt and pay for me to go down and live with dodger. if i left tonight. gave up everyting, my friends, my home, eerything ive ever known, and go be with dodger. i wanted to. but i hesitated. i hesitated too long. lucas went to bed.

i want to go. i want to go. i want to be with dodger. no matter what i have to do.

lucas wouldnt answer the phone, or texts or anything. now i am left wodering if he changed his mind or was maybe even never serious. this has made things worse. cuz i got it in my mind i want to go do this and now he feels further away cuz the chance was dangled then pulled away.

im not making it here. im not surviving. i really need this. i wish id just said yes without thinking. becuase once i did think the answer was still yes.

now i dont know what to do.