sarcastic squirrel

i was adding schools to my user info through that school thing. they didnt have rosemont. haha. big surprise. ive been thinking about aurda the last few days. makes me wonder if im going to run into her. doubt it htough. havent seen her in 4 years.

i called the detective again to see if he can light a fire under the DA's ass, or at least find out whats going on. if they arent going to do anything they could at least tell me. or gimme my clothes back. fucking cowards.

i act like i dont, but i do feel it, it does affect me. i know that. and sometimes more than others. and then i get irritable and i dont want to be touched and i feel freaked out. and ive been watching a lot of law and order lately cuz jess got 2 more seasons on dvd and some of those episodes make me feel it more. for some raeson they affect me more than the sex crimes law and order show, i think because in the regular show, back before the svu show, they didnt handle things as sensitively.

i know that the cop thought id asked for it. she asked me what id expected to happen, like id agreed to it. then totally wrote me off when i told her im mentally ill and dont take meds. fuck the system. the detective was nice, but then he never called me back. the DA never bothered to contact me at all. i dont even know which person has my case. hopefully someone will fucking call me this time. not that i think that a trial would make things better or would be easy. but i want to know whats going on and i dont like feeling like im being written off. ive had enough of that in my life.

and i dont want to be affected by it anymore. but i know that i cant change that. it just sucks. i dont want it popping in my head and making me feel like shit. i want it to stop.

well i just walked over to mcdonalds and got a happy meal and then went to blockbusters and then grabbed a case of soda on the way back home. and i was listening to my headphones and thinking about how ive always kinda been a pop music girl. its really embarrassing. but i always listened to the radio, i know the lyrics and actually listened to things like britney spears in high school. i dressed preppy, shopped at the gap and stuff, i was into school activities. i still listen to pop music. i still dress preppy soemtimes, though not usually around a lot of my friends cuz theyd laugh, and i am for the most part normal. i go to college. i want to do the whole marraige and kids deal and all that normal shit. what is dodger seeing in me? i really hate the thought that i might be a normal, blendable part of society. but it looks to be that way.

yesterday i went and did a shoot with a photographer. he was really nice, i had fun, i wasnt too nervous about teh fact that it was my first nude shoot. he said i did well. we talked a lot. he was doing the shoot for a book hes getting published. he smoked some pot while i was there and found it disturbing and funny just as i did that the smell of it reminded me that i should call my dad. made $50. went to the bank. ran into jessi m. after 4 1/2 years she is finally off the streets and shes starting culinary school next month. good for her. she has always frustrated me. she was pregnant the same time i was. though she is several years younger than me. she had her kid, was homeless, couldnt care for it. now if she had been able to care for it then fine, but she couldnt even care for herself. everytime i saw her she was engaged to some new guy. the state took her kid. then she had another one. which they took aswell. ok, if they have your first kid and your situation hasnt changed you might wanna think twice before breeding another one for state custody. im glad shes getting her act together. i hope she gets her kids back. i feel a really intense loyalty to the rosemont girls. we lived together, we were locked in there together and it was us against everything and that feeling is hard to let go of. i wanted to ask her if she knew where audra is. i miss my angel. if i could go back i never would have let her down. i just hope shes alive. i hope shes stopped the whoring and the crystal meth. i hope she went home to her mom. she has eyes that can pierce your heart. at least when they arent dead and lifeless from too much drug use.

the other day when i went to do the other shoot i was on the #15 going up belmont and i looked over and saw the house, garfield house, and i thought home. safe. i lived there for 3 weeks when i was 16 and i still see it and think safe. (it is the shelter house for harry's mother). its strange, i cant explain it. and what would my life had been like if they hadnt kicked me out for cutting? if the independant living program hadnt rejected me because of it? id have been on my own at 16. my mom was gonna let me go, she wasnt fighting it. hell, shed kicked me out, told me to be a whore, that i wasnt welcome in her house. shed thrown me against the wall and bruised me and yelled at me. i had a job, i was in school, i was ready to be on my own i thought. i was prolly not right, but i thought i was ready. and they sent me back to the woman who threw me out. everyone always sent me back. like when my teacher in 8th grade gave the school counselor the letter i wrote her saying my mom was hitting me and the counnselor faxed it to my mom the last day of school before spring break and sent me home to her for a week with no one to watch me and make sure i was ok. how do people do that kinda shit to a kid? really. i cant comprehend it.


you are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy when skies are grey...