6-12-05

[sarcasticsquirrel]

had a nice evening. talking, reading, eating at a nice pizza place called piraat, playing chess, talking. then he had to kick ecco out. shes too hard to hide and hes not allowed overnight guests. she got mad. she said she wouldnt be his friend. he was getting pissed and so was she. i saw the look on his face as he was leaving the room, i heard some of what he said. and i thought how easily that could have been directed at me. other peoples anger is hard for me to handle. it frightens me. i curled up on the bed. i thought about him hitting me. logically i know he wouldnt. but but theres a part of me that thinks anyone could and is always waiting for them to do so. he came back in and laid there with me. my entire body stiffened. i was thinking would he hurt me? but i calmed down and we talked. he said he can get mad at me but not for long cuz i look at him and he melts. we are ok now. he is taling art. he is talented and he knows it. hehe.
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talked more last night. he thinks i shouldnt give up on things or not try things i cant do right the first time. but i work that way because im too hard on myself. i cant take the failure. we had a nice night. we cuddled and went to sleep. today we walked around. got food and bleach for my hair. tlaked to owen and micah and will. dodger and i came back to his place. i had to return a call from my mom. shes pissed. she ranted about me not telling her i was leaving, not seeing her before she leaves for rome for a month. she leavves the day before i get back. she talked about me using her. she bitched about how awful and selfish i am but not in those words. when i got off the phone i talked to dodger and he said i should go home early and see her . i told him i couldnt, that i will barely be able to leave him when i know i have to, and i cant do it earlier. like i told my mom when she said i should be home unpacking, i get a week then i dont get to see him anymore. this is whats important to me right now, fuck everything else. last night we were talking. i said id never marry him. he got sad, he cried and said that no one would ever want to and why would i never? i told him its not that i wouldnt want to, its that i want kids and stuff and didnt think he wanted that. he asked what if he offered me that someday? and i told him theres no one else id rather say yes to. he said hell never ask but i hope someday he does. i made him a picture of a chicken in the wind...