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love is a dirty word
Jun. 3rd, 2005 05:12 pmwell i went to human sexuality and learned about how fetishes are bad. *sigh*
pete and i went to target and stuff and we went to mcdonalds. and he took me home. he says im a tease. whatever. i dont want him. that makes me a tease? no.
reserved a truck for 3pm tomorrow. moving day. so much to do.
i came home to find sweet little dodger sleeping in bed. and i didnt feel like going to bed but i crawled in to be with him and let him sleep. and we cuddled. then the phone rang and it was for him and it startled me. but thats ok. then more laying in bed.
then i fucked up. i did something i shouldnt have. and i didnt respect it when he said stop. and then he started weezing. and i got him inhaler. my mood had shifted and i was really cold about it. and it was only a reaction to my own feelings of guilt. i knew id triggered something and that it was all my fault. and he used the inhaler then curled up in a ball and started crying. and i knew id done it. and he said dont mess around with things like that. and i had to get away. i got up and got dressed. and i had to be out of the bed cuz i was afraid to touch him.
he asked me to come back, said he needed me. i sat on the edge of the bed. but he was trying to grab at me. and i felt so bad for him but i was afraid to touch him. i knew i was the enemy and i didnt want to hurt him any more. and it took ever bit of strength i had to overcome the signals in my own head and hold him. but it still felt wrong to me and i layed down and let him hold me but i wouldnt hold him back.
i failed to take care of him and i know it. and im so sorry. i feel awful.
and suddenly as we were laying there i could hear the man in my head...
"you are the goddess of love and beauty."
"whats the name of your lipstick?" "torment" "well its tormenting me right now."
laying on the ground with my shirt up, blind, seeing the pictures get taken and knowing i couldnt go. and jesse busting in the door all silly and smiling with his cell phone in hand. he was rescuing me. everyone always does. and when they dont i wasnt really in danger like the guy who pinned me and stuffed the sweatshirt in my mouth while i screamed so he could feel between my legs without getting caught. or james and hte misunderstanding. i was never really in danger from any of it. everything always ends up ok.
dodger was telling me he loved me. i was putting his hand on my waist because when it touched my ass or closer to my breast i cringed inside. i am the goddess of love and beauty. he said that he would stay here with me, that he wouldnt leave. he said hed do anything i want. i told him i dont want him to throw his life away. i was insulted hed think thats what i want. as mush as i want to be with him. i would never wish trapping him in misery. and i was thinking that if he goes he can find someone who wont be so awful when hes not doing well. who will take care of him. maybe SHE would have comforted him, or not set him off to begin with.
pete and i went to target and stuff and we went to mcdonalds. and he took me home. he says im a tease. whatever. i dont want him. that makes me a tease? no.
reserved a truck for 3pm tomorrow. moving day. so much to do.
i came home to find sweet little dodger sleeping in bed. and i didnt feel like going to bed but i crawled in to be with him and let him sleep. and we cuddled. then the phone rang and it was for him and it startled me. but thats ok. then more laying in bed.
then i fucked up. i did something i shouldnt have. and i didnt respect it when he said stop. and then he started weezing. and i got him inhaler. my mood had shifted and i was really cold about it. and it was only a reaction to my own feelings of guilt. i knew id triggered something and that it was all my fault. and he used the inhaler then curled up in a ball and started crying. and i knew id done it. and he said dont mess around with things like that. and i had to get away. i got up and got dressed. and i had to be out of the bed cuz i was afraid to touch him.
he asked me to come back, said he needed me. i sat on the edge of the bed. but he was trying to grab at me. and i felt so bad for him but i was afraid to touch him. i knew i was the enemy and i didnt want to hurt him any more. and it took ever bit of strength i had to overcome the signals in my own head and hold him. but it still felt wrong to me and i layed down and let him hold me but i wouldnt hold him back.
i failed to take care of him and i know it. and im so sorry. i feel awful.
and suddenly as we were laying there i could hear the man in my head...
"you are the goddess of love and beauty."
"whats the name of your lipstick?" "torment" "well its tormenting me right now."
laying on the ground with my shirt up, blind, seeing the pictures get taken and knowing i couldnt go. and jesse busting in the door all silly and smiling with his cell phone in hand. he was rescuing me. everyone always does. and when they dont i wasnt really in danger like the guy who pinned me and stuffed the sweatshirt in my mouth while i screamed so he could feel between my legs without getting caught. or james and hte misunderstanding. i was never really in danger from any of it. everything always ends up ok.
dodger was telling me he loved me. i was putting his hand on my waist because when it touched my ass or closer to my breast i cringed inside. i am the goddess of love and beauty. he said that he would stay here with me, that he wouldnt leave. he said hed do anything i want. i told him i dont want him to throw his life away. i was insulted hed think thats what i want. as mush as i want to be with him. i would never wish trapping him in misery. and i was thinking that if he goes he can find someone who wont be so awful when hes not doing well. who will take care of him. maybe SHE would have comforted him, or not set him off to begin with.
