6-10-05 tragically beautiful

it is time to begin. i will make a post for each day. under cut in most cases for length. i wrote a lot on my trip. and this is what it felt like as it happened. i cant do it all tonight but i will start. the different times of day i wrote will be sectioned off by ****. they are not timed, but it doesnt really matter, they are in order. i wrote while i was in states or just commig out of them. this is how it felt, this is what it was, not what i feel now or think now. i am not editing these. and so it begins...

its been a hard trip. the first half of the trip i had a horrible headache wiht accompanying tummy sickness. puking in rest areas and a winco. right before we were to leave dodgers i was standing, staring at the tiny peice of back seat. i thought why am i going? i dont belong in his new life. im being foolish, he wont want me there, he wont love me soon, this is the end and im stupid to draw it out. i finally looked up at him and once i saw his face i couldnt not go. cut myself while he was buying smokes. finally spoke again at winco.

the second part of the trip has been different. and ecco got heat exhaustion. i was in a mood so when we pulled of at a rest stop for her to nap i walked off. i had on skimpy clothes cuz of the heat, and knee high boots. i took no id, cash, phone, ect, just me. i walked all sexy and smiled at the cars and trucks seductively. i was singing letter to a john by ani difranco. guys honked at me. one tried to get me in his car, seemed nice enough. but it freaked me out. i started to head back. thats when the cop picked me up. he was nice. asked if dodger had hurt me. took me back. i didnt get in trouble, thank gawd.

talked to dodger a while. he really does love me. i hope its not just a passing thing cuz he is wonderful and i love him so much. i cut my breasts and wrote NO and STOP on my arm. ive done that since middle school. i was shouting at the voice in my head, shouting into my skin with blades. inside my head it was saying you turned into everything your mama said youd be, a slut, spoiled, selfish, bitch, crazy, invallid, cant take care of yourself, trash, and that i hadnt proved her or anyone else wrong. that i was only delaying one of my 3 options for a future: kill self, go to jail, end up in group home/ mental hospital. i almost carved BITCH SLUT WHORE into the inside of my thighs like in the nightmares ive had for years.

i tlaked to dodger more. i feel better. he says i am tragically beautiful, and that im strong. that is yet to be confirmed. i met him not long ago. but he is everything to me. id drop everything else. i just want him.
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later...

got here. i hate this place for taking him. i wouldnt get out of the car, wouldnt speak. so they locked the car and set the alarm with me in it. must make sure the crazy animal doesnt get loose. i should just fucking leave. and i should catch the next bus home. i dont belong in his life, in his world anymore. i pity him for loving me. he doesnt need this shit. im ruining everything.

you took from me
a future,
functional or not,
i had plans.
then you shook me
like a fragile present,
left all my peices
broken inside.
one month of something
i knew
would break my heart
and a lifetime
of uncertainties,
and blank spaces,
and empty appartments.
for you i find myself
alone.

6-11-05

so after my last entry they came back and moved the car in front of the building to unload his stuff. i put my boots on and my hoody. i was still in a tiny skirt and tiny tank top. i grabbed my purse and just walked away. and i wasnt totally out of control, which makes it worse. but i had a lot of shit in my head about not belonging here and about how things are over forever. saw ecco but avoided her. my phone had been dying since before leaving portland. bad timing. i called dodger and told him i dont belong here and i would come back for my shit later, tomorrow maybe. i told him i was going home. he didnt like this. i told him i could take care of myself when he said i had no where to stay. he asked if i were leaving him, i told him hed already left me. my phone died. it was dead dead. i thought if i let it sit it might turn back on.

saw pete, that was odd. clung to him and tlaked to him.. went on my way. went through various parts of town, down hill. i nearly got to the water from the financial district. went through china town and a drug area. was surrounded by guys trying to get me in their cars, others made comments, followed me, told me about how i gave them hard ons. i kept walking. i thought about letting them hurt me, making some money maybe. what did i have to lose? then a drug dealing meth addict asked if he could walk with me. i let him. he was high. i told him i was lost and from out of town and id never been to a real city before. i tried my phone. he saw it was totally dead. he told me about parties and stuff. he offered to take me back to dodger. but he walked me in circles showing me his stolen goods. he wanted to fuck me. he was really pushing the idea and leading me in circles to get me more lost. i knew id end up raped. so when he stopped to get drugs from his friend i took off. bye nick.

i kept walking. got more lost. i started crying. but i otherwise kept my head together cuz if i didnt i wouldnt make it. i thought at one point id never get back to him. had visions of sleeping in the cold. contemplated killing myself. couldnt do it to him. the worry. though if i did he could go whole heartedly after molly. i never stopped walking. a guy helped me with directions. so i started finally in the right direction.

met a guy on the way who walked with me. he buzzed random people once we found the building. didnt work. so he started calling up at the building. dodger poked his head out and told me to stay there. after four hours of walking the hills of s.f. through all areas of badness i was finally back with dodger. i asked if i could come in. i was afraid id gone too far, that he didnt want me now. but he hugged me and was happy i was back. and i think we are ok. we ate and talked. and he still loves me. i now know that big city does NOT just mean more streats and that i am not cut out for walking around them alone.
***************************************************************

went out today. dodger and ecco and i. we walked around, got lunch, then went shopping. tried to find a place for my hair stuff but couldnt until after they closed. then ecco went off on her own. dodger and i walked around. we looked for shoes for me and went to a toy store.

then we were tlaking. i make jokes about the bad things i do because it makes it easier on me. he gets moody when i do this. also he is protective of me. he does not want me to do things that he lets other people do. he doesnt trust me out by myself. im not a child, i can look out for myself as well as anyone else can. i dont need to be babied or treated like im stupid, or or foolish, or incapable of taking care of myself. I AM AN ADULT DAMMIT. i am not a child, not in age or mental capacity. why does everyone act like i am. why does everyone shelter me? and since im in a strange town and cant leave his side i am stuck right now. i do love him but i dont need a protector or a parent. im looking for a partner, not someone afraid to leave me alone for five minutes. ive had caretakers and wardens before, i dont need another.

(no subject)

a break from the flashbacks.

today i missed class again. switched to an overnight schedual. pete came and woke me up at 1pm. we went and got food. we went to greyhound but lost and found was closed. went to his place and got a rca cable i needed. he was being kinda creepy, talking about having sex with me. and read me what he wrote about seeing me in s.f. in it it said he wants to be my doormatt. said he didnt take me back to dodger that day cuz he wanted me to himself. it was really unnerving.

trent came over tonight. we talked nd caught up and watched hitch. i like that movie. had a good time with him, hes a sweety.

but now im alone. and dodger hasnt gotten up yet. so much for an up at night schedual. i would wake him but his phone has been turned off. im afraid that with his inability to keep a sleep schedual we will never be able to talk cuz ill never be able to keep up with what hes doing that day, or even know what hes doing. or that ill never sleep, staying up hoping to catch him.

im lonely. hardly anyone is online. im sad from posting all the flashback stuff from s.f. and i miss him. im having a ahrd enough time as it is without feeling completely left by him with this lack of him even ever being awake. whatever. im being selfish. if he wants to sleep all the time thats his right. he shouldnt feel he has to be here for me. no one has to be here for me. i dont even feel like taking on that job.

i am afraid of my own self destructive nature. its kicking into overdrive. and i know that i havent acted badly enough to warrent a hospital trip. they wouldnt take me. and honestly i dont have time. thats kinda funny. if it comes down to it and things get worse...i dont have time to save my life. i have a class to go to. maybe i dont want to save myself. its not like he will ever really want to stay with me in the end. what am i waiting around for? rejection.

6-12-05

had a nice evening. talking, reading, eating at a nice pizza place called piraat, playing chess, talking. then he had to kick ecco out. shes too hard to hide and hes not allowed overnight guests. she got mad. she said she wouldnt be his friend. he was getting pissed and so was she. i saw the look on his face as he was leaving the room, i heard some of what he said. and i thought how easily that could have been directed at me. other peoples anger is hard for me to handle. it frightens me. i curled up on the bed. i thought about him hitting me. logically i know he wouldnt. but but theres a part of me that thinks anyone could and is always waiting for them to do so. he came back in and laid there with me. my entire body stiffened. i was thinking would he hurt me? but i calmed down and we talked. he said he can get mad at me but not for long cuz i look at him and he melts. we are ok now. he is taling art. he is talented and he knows it. hehe.
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talked more last night. he thinks i shouldnt give up on things or not try things i cant do right the first time. but i work that way because im too hard on myself. i cant take the failure. we had a nice night. we cuddled and went to sleep. today we walked around. got food and bleach for my hair. tlaked to owen and micah and will. dodger and i came back to his place. i had to return a call from my mom. shes pissed. she ranted about me not telling her i was leaving, not seeing her before she leaves for rome for a month. she leavves the day before i get back. she talked about me using her. she bitched about how awful and selfish i am but not in those words. when i got off the phone i talked to dodger and he said i should go home early and see her . i told him i couldnt, that i will barely be able to leave him when i know i have to, and i cant do it earlier. like i told my mom when she said i should be home unpacking, i get a week then i dont get to see him anymore. this is whats important to me right now, fuck everything else. last night we were talking. i said id never marry him. he got sad, he cried and said that no one would ever want to and why would i never? i told him its not that i wouldnt want to, its that i want kids and stuff and didnt think he wanted that. he asked what if he offered me that someday? and i told him theres no one else id rather say yes to. he said hell never ask but i hope someday he does. i made him a picture of a chicken in the wind...

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brokenashleydoll: what were you remembering about me?
ScrpnSanctuary: =)
ScrpnSanctuary: fun times
brokenashleydoll: ?
ScrpnSanctuary: fucking in your computer chain...
ScrpnSanctuary: chair
ScrpnSanctuary: was remember how you woud ride me.. and make me cum several times
ScrpnSanctuary: remembered how we put you on a later buss home so we could fuck one more time
ScrpnSanctuary: just.. good stuff
ScrpnSanctuary: im horny... thinking horny thoughts =)
ScrpnSanctuary: there were other things... too..
ScrpnSanctuary: i liked how we could talk all night
ScrpnSanctuary: i loved cuddling
ScrpnSanctuary: I like the way you looked at me
ScrpnSanctuary: like you saw into me... and that was all right..
ScrpnSanctuary: sorry
brokenashleydoll: yes i saw your squigglyspooge
ScrpnSanctuary: hehe
ScrpnSanctuary: you have a way of looking at people... and its like you see into them
ScrpnSanctuary: you see them for who they are
ScrpnSanctuary: and feeling you stare right into my heart... and accept me.. was awesome
ScrpnSanctuary: I dont get that kind of feeling these days
ScrpnSanctuary: but eh.. life moves on..

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