(no subject)

im tired and my head hurts. bbut ill post this first.

went fishing for the first time. caught a bullhead or some such shit. little wierd fucking thing. put it back and watched it swim off to tell all its lil buddies about its adventures. had a good time.

was watching the news tonight. i never do that. theres a reason for that. there was a story of a girl missing since the 5th. they arent gonna find her after this long. i dont think so anyways. mentioned something about an ameture photographer. i sat there gripping my burrito and staring down at nothing. i was thinking...i coulda been dead. or worse, tortured and trapped somewhere. it really bothered me. really.

watched law and order svu tonight. that effected me more too. i think i see things differently now. i look at clothes and dancing and everything and think that things are too over sexualized, i notice it more.

my tooth is chipped and i think it has a crack running up it toward the gum. fucking wonderful. dentist time. no more procrastination. fuck.

tomorrow is backpack shopping and school supply getting. and trying to contact the bank credit card lady again. and thursday is going home and friday is seeing jess and getting my school book. and weekend i dunno. sunday is seeing devin. monday is school. tuesday is therapy and planned parenthood. fucking pelvic exam.

the detective called me tonight. he talked to john, the guy who raped me. they took the pictures into evidence. john offered up his dna. he has no record. he says everything was consentual. he also said i sucked him off, which i didnt. he woulda gotten his dick fucking bit off if it ended up in my mouth. the report will go to the DA and ill hear whether it goes to court. i was asked if im willing to go to court and i said yes, ill do anything i need to do. im not going to back down. he was still in town today when they interviewed him. i think he was lying about leaving. he doesnt live that far from me. i want him away from me. mom said to get a restraining order. i feel better knowing they found him and know who he is. maybe i can have a tiny bit of faith in the system just this once. we shall see.

goodnight everyone. love you guys.

(no subject)

i remember sitting at good sam waiting for the cop. i was alone and holding teddy to my chest, rocking back and forth, and kissing the top of his head. i told him youre ok, dont worry, youre ok. over and over. it seemed strange to me even then.

(no subject)

todat nana and i went out to great nanas old house and watered teh plants in the garden. then we went looking for a backpack and notebook for me. costco only found us some snack things for me to take home for school lunches. office max got the actual supplies. we looked many places for a backpack. had lunch, went back out. ended up getting a backpack at jcpenny that was on sale. its a nice one. its pink. hehe. and since i found one on sale she got me a shirt id wanted from the gap for my first day. yay. so it was a good day. we are relaxing at home now.