(no subject)

went to hive last night. barely danced. felt icky and freaked out. but it was brentons bday and i wanted to see him. ilia showed up too. it was good to see both of them. talked to them seperately about whats been going on. brent was as homicidal as dodger. they were both really nice. dodger and i left early. went home. went to bed shortly after. got up this morning and i checked my online stuff and dranks some hot chocolate and ate some eggs. i packed and cuddled fred and dodger. then he walked me to the train station. ive been feeling safe with him around. i feel protected holding on to him. i didnt feel that once i was without him. watched the sisterhood of the traveling pants on the in train movie. it was kinda lame. nana picked me up. we went to dalys for fish and chips and milkshakes. now shes at her waltzing class and im here.

i want to go home. i want to be with dodger to protect me. i mean, i have his leather jacket to protect me, but i still dont feel safe. i dont feel safe or like im doing well. i feel like things are just getting worse. and i dont think theyll ever get that guy. i can see his face now in my head. if only i could draw cuz i cant describe him. i have therapy next tuesday. i get back this thursday. jess is sposed to stop by friday on his way home from the airport. i also need to run to sylvania and get my textbook and stuff for school. school starts monday, 11am. im ready to go back. tuesday i have my annual pelvic exam and stuff. goodie. and ill need to call them and find out if i can get the std testing done at the same time. my insurance doesnt cover it. im gonna talk to my mom. im pretty sure shell cover making sure her daughter didnt get aids from that fuckhead. of all the asshole things to do id say raping someone without protection is pretty fucking evil. not teh worst thing you can do, but not anywhere near ok or forgivable.

i think i need to take a break from the modeling at least for a while. then ill start with only the ones ive worked with before. but right now i dont think i can even do that. the thought of being naked in front of anyone but dodger makes me cringe, the thought of having someone take my picture while im semi or totally nude makes me sick. i need a break. i dont feel like being seen. i dont feel like relaxing and trusting anyone really. well, i trust some people. my friends have all been really great. and my brother was good too. my mom was a real nightmare but no surprise. well maybe a small one. i love you all. ill be back in a few days and ill get around to seeing people. im not going to hide or sit around looking frumpy and ugly so i wont be noticed. i dont want attention from strangers but im not going to turn into a different person. that wont help me.

ive been working on letting myself let go of that shield i had up to keep my emotions in check. but now that im at my nanas im working to make sure it stays up. i just wanna feel safe. and i wanna let myself break down. but not in an environment where i wont have support. i want to go home.

(no subject)

sometimes i get really bullshit cliche things running through my head, not the amusing things like whinnie the pooh bondage scenes. i was playing solitair and thought what did i do to deserve this? (the rape not teh solitair). and then i was like no i know what i did. i made another stupid risky decision in a long line of stpid risky decisions thinking that either my gut feeling would be wrong or id miraculously get out of things unharmed. that kind of luck, which id had up till now, only lasts so long. shit is bound to catch up to you. no one is immune to the bullshit and cruelty of life. the fact that i was so cocky about my ability never to have this shit happen to me is my own damn fault. this is all my fault. i deserved this. now to deal with the consequences of my actions.

(no subject)

i called my mom tonight. i told her that nana has gone republican. ick. shoulda seen it comming when she voted for bush cuz he was the only one who could keep her safe from the terrorists.

i talked to mom, i asked her a favor. i asked if she would lend me the money for the std testing i need done. i looked and since my health insurance doesnt cover it planned parenthood wants to charge me like 100 bucks or something. and my mom accused me of being a hooker and thats wh i need the testing and i was like no this fucking rapist didnt use a fucking condom so dont yell at me. so then she tried to get me to give her the details of the rape. which i wouldnt. not with the additude shes been giving me. and she told me she wouldnt give me the money for the std tests. she said id just give it to dodger. which is totally stupid. then she said if he loves me hell get the money. then she told me she loves me and wants me to take care of myself and be safe. she has a fucked up way of showing it. she apparently doesnt care if i get tested for aids and shit. just on the off chance that i might buy dodger a burrito or something with it. which is retarded. i went to my mother looking for help to check things out and make sure that the damageg done to me was not more than it already has been. and she calls me a whore and yells at me and doesnt help me. shes a fucking monster and i hate her.

in related news i am considering going public on the damnportlanders community to try and raise money for the tests i need. from what i hear im too old for outside in to test me. at least last time i went in they told me 21 or under. if anyone else knows of a better idea let me know. im also taking donations. i dont like taking peoples money. but i think my safety is more important than pride or whatever bullshit.

(no subject)

i want to curl up with my boyfriend and go to sleep. i miss him. i love him. hes been so good through all of this.