today its been a year

im considering getting one of those personal alarm thingies. the kind you can set off if youre in trouble an they are really fucking loud.

this day could be worse. going out in a bit to make myself leave my bed. ive been really tired lately. going to go get a new build a bear. seems i do that when things go badly. i have a my relationship with dodger ended an my whole life is being altered cow, an i fucked up my birth control an have to take the ecp bear, an today im off to pick up a i got rape an dont feel safe anymore bunny. blah.

tonight i plan on sitting down an reading some of the stupid recovery book i got at powells and watching speak cuz its the least upsetting movie i have that has rape in it. and i think ill try an write. i dunno.

i think that today itself isnt going so badly. things have not ben goo for me though. im not coping.

i also think i coul use a new therapist. a better one. and possibly some meds. i need to take care of myself and i just havent been.

(no subject)

a year ago i be getting raped right now i think. or let go about now. im ok i think. i dunno.

(no subject)

micah came an picked me up. went to washington square. i got a really soft bunny from the build a bear shop that roars like a lion. i like her. named her tara. we had some food, i some shopping, got some donuts. it was good i got out of the house.

peter called me tonight and talked to me. told me im safe. was all sweet. it was nice. he is a good boyfriend. i love him lots.

(no subject)

my back hurts.

there are a lot of things that happened when i got raped that i think were wrong. and i dont just mean the rape itself. or the fact that he didnt use a condom. or the fact that he acted like he hadnt raped me, like id been into it.

first of all i am mad at myself. i didnt follow my gut. i put myself in a risky situation. i had been putting myself in risky situations for years thinking that id never get hurt. part of me wanting to get hurt. this time i wasnt even wanting to get hurt, but i wasnt being safe. also, i did not fight back as hard as i could have, as i should have. i said no. i pushed and cried an screamed. but i didnt punch him or bite him or anything like that. i was too afraid of not getting out of there alive. too afraid to fight more to make him stop.

enough about me. the cop. she talked to me like i was a whore. she treated me badly, looked down on me. talked to me in a way that no one should talk to another person. in a way that no cop should speak to a victim. ive never liked cops and i like them less now.

the advocate lady that was there at the hospital. she promised id get a call the next day teling me about the services avaiable to me. so i coul go to a support group an a bunch of other shit. i never heard from her again.

my mother. she asked what i was wearing to make it happen. she came to pick me up and proceeded to yell at me the whole way home. when i asked her a few days later for money for std testing she said no because if i hadnt been WHORING MYSELF i wouldnt nee to get tested. she wasnt there for me. she made me feel worse about myself and the situation. she blamed me.

the DA. he treated me like a whore. he talked to me like an idiot. he didnt ever tell me what was going on. when i finally went to see him months later after john found out who had my case he said they dont call the people who they decide not to take their case because the people tend to get upset. he wrote up his report inaccurately. he told me that the naked pictures taken of me were consent for the rape. this is the head DA for the sexual assualt and domestic violence unit of multnomah county.

theres something else. its not really anyones fault. i didnt freak out right away after i was raped. a lot of you said if i didnt it would come stronger later, be harder when i dealt with it later on. that is what has happened in the last 2 months. dodger was so relieve when i didnt break down. told me how good it was. talked about how strong i am and how the years of fucked up past made me able to not be very effected by this. i was very effected by this. but he was so relieve i wasnt breaking own that when i started to i felt like i couldnt show it. so i hid it. i started having flashbacks and panic attacks. i woul sit rocking an shacking curle up on the floor of the bathroom in the dark when he was sleeping. and then i pushed it all down inside me because i didnt feel like i could tell anyone i wasnt handling it. then recently it all came to bite me in the ass. i have nightmares and flashbacks an i freak for no reason.

ive change over the last year. i dont trust people anymore. i dont give them the benifit of the doubt. i dont love people for being people. i ont even like people anymore most of the time. and i dont care about the people im not close to like i used to. and i dont feel safe.

i do have to say that when it all happened my friends were great. many of you were on my friends list at the time. the comments and support were much appreciated. it was really helpfull. i dont want you guys to think that none of that got through. i love you guys. you hellp me.

im not ok. im paranoid and scared and i cant shake the flashbacks and the fear. i need to do something. but what?

(no subject)

i really want this blanket that i saw at urban outfitters. it was so soft. i carry it around with me. it was a little lap blanket sized one. made of soft. i could pin it to me like a cape. or i could be a girl version of linus. i always liked linus.