(no subject)

so my mom and i went out yesterday.  she bought me new shoes and some stuff for crocheting a scarf.  its been a while and im having some trouble getting it started.  but she also got me the hapy hooker crochet book so im workin on it.  peter came over last night.  we watched some angel and we snuggled all night. 

i still dont know what to get him for xmas. i want to get him something.  but what do you get for the boy who wants nothing?

we also had another talk.  he knew it wouldnt help.  but i knew something was wrong and he wanted to tell me.  im always glad when he tells me.  its  always better whether i feel better or not.  he is afraid we arent going to make it.  he said the conversations still suck.  and he said that i never pounce on him and make him feel wanted. 

i told him ive been usy with starting work and finishing the school term.  ive been setting things up in therapy to work on the conversation stuff.  this is one of my worst issues and it is taking me some time.  i feel like im trying to rush it and i need to be more careful with myself.  i apologized to him for being broken.  im not totally assembled.  this ashley is some assembly required. 

as far as the pouncing that is hard.  its not just my confidence.  i try kissing on him and sitting on his lap to distract him and get him to notice me but he never seems to.  i could all out pounce but i never feel like its a good idea.  he says it is but...ever since he told me that sex with me sucks i havent felt wanted by him, not once.  so trying to get him into it always sounds like a horrible and useless idea.  like it wont matter what i do cuz it wont be any good.  i want him constantly but i dont think it does any good.  and i dont think that showing him would make that much difference.  id like to try but just the idea always just makes me feel bad.  i still want to try.  need to make myself try.  its just that i wont ever know really if he actually enjoys any of it so ill always be self concious. 

he held me and cried into my lap and it hurt my heart but i held him and he pulled it together.  im glad he trusts me.  i want to be there to comfort him.  and i cried and it hurt hi and he held me and wiped my tears away.  and he told me he loves me and hes still here and i pulled it together and we cuddled. 

i love him so much and i will do what i need to to be with him.  im not doing anything that i feel i shouldnt.  im not changing anything that didnt need changing reguardless of him.   he feels wrong about asking all these things of me.  but they needed to be done.  hes giving me the kick in the ass i need.  everyone who knows me from before peter has seemed really impressed by how ive been since i got together with him.  more stable, really having my shit together.  hes my white knight after all.  he doesnt see it.  he isnt impressed.  i went from a girl slicing herself up in his bathroom to one that needs to work on her communication and he doesnt seem to notice. 

i can do this, i can handle whats going on.  but it hurts my heart, all of this.  and hes hurting, i know he is.  but its worth it to me.  hes worth it.  i cant explain it. love isnt logical or rational.  its not brains, its heart.  just trust me that i know what im doing and its the right hting for me. 

(no subject)

i was modeling for a clothed art class.  just had to stand aorund in my clothes and be drawn.  the teacher and students were nice.  it was high school level.  but i think im getting sick.  i got so dizzy and i went hot and cold the  whole first hour and my lips paled to match my skin.  he sent me home an hour early.  i felt bad.  i wish someone were here to make me soup and watch a movie with me.