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i wrote this the night before last when i was having a bad night....
why do i equate physical affection with love? why do i equate sex with love? it seems either i want someone all the time and they dont want me or just the opposite. i either feel rejection or guilt. i dont feel wanted anymore. so i dont feel loved. im afarid to touch him cuz it always seems t bother him for one reason or another. i dont feel pretty anymore. i hate myself. i look in the mirror and i want o beat the shit out of myself. i want to kill myself, not as an escape but out of violent anger and hatered. im never going to be who i want to be. im never going to overcome what i need to to be ok.
i look at him and i feel so much love and so much fear.
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late that night he mentioned molly. no matter what i do i always feel, i always fear, that hed be happier with her. or with one of his other exes that he speaks so highly of. i always fear that hed be so much happier with one of them, especially her. no matter how good i try to be with him. and i wonder why he stays with someone so unhappy.
why do i equate physical affection with love? why do i equate sex with love? it seems either i want someone all the time and they dont want me or just the opposite. i either feel rejection or guilt. i dont feel wanted anymore. so i dont feel loved. im afarid to touch him cuz it always seems t bother him for one reason or another. i dont feel pretty anymore. i hate myself. i look in the mirror and i want o beat the shit out of myself. i want to kill myself, not as an escape but out of violent anger and hatered. im never going to be who i want to be. im never going to overcome what i need to to be ok.
i look at him and i feel so much love and so much fear.
**************************************************************************************************
late that night he mentioned molly. no matter what i do i always feel, i always fear, that hed be happier with her. or with one of his other exes that he speaks so highly of. i always fear that hed be so much happier with one of them, especially her. no matter how good i try to be with him. and i wonder why he stays with someone so unhappy.
