i few nihts ago peter was dressed up as the cutest bunny id ever seen. he was holding me close and dancing with me, looking into my eyes with that little rubber nose on. we went home and he rubbed my back and we cuddled and slept. the next morning we cuddled and kissed and lay there for a long time just snuggled and nice.
today we met after class. we had lunch at starbucks and then walked back to my place in the rain. he came up and sat on the bed. and he held my hand while telling me it wasnt working. and i cried and i begged him to give me another chance. and he said everything from i dont have intellectual conversations to the sex is boring. and i told him it can be different. there are a lot of things that i can change if i need to. if they are suggested. and im willing. i asked him to consider it. i cried and snotted all over myself. and i held him. clung and was afraid to let go. i showed him my penguin book. and held him more. and i gave him the bunny picture id gotten him for xmas. i think he liked it. i held him and he cried. id never seen him cry before. he has a vulnerability that seems very apparent to be but somehow less so to others. it would seem that would lend itself to crying easily but it doesnt. it broke my heart to see the tears on his cheeks and the red eyes as he walked out. but somehow it was comforting to know he felt it too, to know this mattered to him.
i just want him to come back. to tell me what needs changing and let me do it. i love him. i dont even know what to do with myself right now. im a total mess but i also feel myself shutting down like this is so crushing my mind cant handle it so ill detach from myself. id do almost anything just to have him call up and say he loves me and still wants to be with me. for him to hold me.
ive been having nightmares about him being mad at me or leaving me for weeks every night except last night. strange. and now hes gone.
i wrote this today:
i would like to say
i would never
beg you to stay
but we both know
i did
as the rain against the window
and the tears against my cheeks
had a steady rhythm,
clinging there,
safe in your arms,
my heart in pieces
at your feet.
i just want him to come back. i cant believe i lost him for good. i just want him back. ill be better this time.
today we met after class. we had lunch at starbucks and then walked back to my place in the rain. he came up and sat on the bed. and he held my hand while telling me it wasnt working. and i cried and i begged him to give me another chance. and he said everything from i dont have intellectual conversations to the sex is boring. and i told him it can be different. there are a lot of things that i can change if i need to. if they are suggested. and im willing. i asked him to consider it. i cried and snotted all over myself. and i held him. clung and was afraid to let go. i showed him my penguin book. and held him more. and i gave him the bunny picture id gotten him for xmas. i think he liked it. i held him and he cried. id never seen him cry before. he has a vulnerability that seems very apparent to be but somehow less so to others. it would seem that would lend itself to crying easily but it doesnt. it broke my heart to see the tears on his cheeks and the red eyes as he walked out. but somehow it was comforting to know he felt it too, to know this mattered to him.
i just want him to come back. to tell me what needs changing and let me do it. i love him. i dont even know what to do with myself right now. im a total mess but i also feel myself shutting down like this is so crushing my mind cant handle it so ill detach from myself. id do almost anything just to have him call up and say he loves me and still wants to be with me. for him to hold me.
ive been having nightmares about him being mad at me or leaving me for weeks every night except last night. strange. and now hes gone.
i wrote this today:
i would like to say
i would never
beg you to stay
but we both know
i did
as the rain against the window
and the tears against my cheeks
had a steady rhythm,
clinging there,
safe in your arms,
my heart in pieces
at your feet.
i just want him to come back. i cant believe i lost him for good. i just want him back. ill be better this time.