sarcastic squirrel

havent hear on the apartment yet. monday should know for sure. so behind on packing. cant even deal with it. grr.

said goodbye to peter tonight. hell not be back till next sunday. sadness. i did the clingy girlfriend thing. i can be really annoying. i just dont like the fact that i wont see him for a week.

tomorrow it will be one year since ive been raped. im not looking forward to spending the day alone in my room. but no better option has opened up as of yet.

not much else going on. looking forward to being moved. nervous about school starting. consiering watching secretary tonight. and possibly sweet november. im such a girl. i miss my blue hair. damn getting a normal job. btw i made a new icon...see!

everything is going to be alright.

peter called me this morning and said he wanted me back. an he came over an cuddled with me until he had to go to his chiropractor appointment.

i didnt really expect this, especially not so soon. but i feel a lot better.

you came here
to leave me.
in your arms
my salt leaked
into your pores.
i thought this might help,
a piece of me
flowing through you,
the salt of my body
resting in your heart.

i let myself feel again
for you,
that is how
i know the weight
of watching you leave,
i can feel it all.

i havent dont anything with my life. i spen my time sitting around on my computer and watching movies. or fucking. or sleeping. or eating. none of these things mean anything or accomplish anything.

this is not going to change. as i get older i do less and less. i used to like to take pictures. i used to write poems as if writing were oxygen. i used to love to sing so much id practice for hours. i used to read.

now i do nothing. and its not like im going to accomplish something great. or anything really. i will never get into grad school so i wil have a BS, which really should stand for bullshit, because it wont be worth anything as far as a career goes that will be anything i can even live off the income of. ill have those 20-something age jobs for the rest of my life.

i will most likely marry, but repeatedly rather than for any long term commitment. and i will never have children. because no man will ever be stupi enough to stay with me long enough to even consider having a kid. so barring any accidents id say parenthood is off the table.

so what will i be doing? living in some apartment, watching movies, living paycheck to paycheck. souns a lot like now but without that sort of hope tha college occassionaly offers.

i dont even think ill have close friends. i dont feel close to any of my friends. no offense but i never see any of you and i dont have anyone in my life that i feel like i can really talk to without being embarrassed or without worrying about the response ill get.

i miss high school. its sad to be missing a time in my life when i was so depressed i sliced myself up daily. but i had friends that loved me. and i saw them a lot and they were there for me. i think id o almost anything to find andrew hales. but i doubt i ever will.

i know peter will leave me. he likes me but he doesnt think im good for him. i think i am. but in my opinion he seems to be uneasy about any situation that causes him to care. he seems uncomfortable caring about someone an dealing with the emotions that go along with that. he seems to find it easier to detach from people an the world. i am not a way to detach. i am a link to very intense emotion. i thrive off of intensity. i like him a lot. and i keep waiting for the day it all ends so abruptly it leaves my head spinning. but i went into this relationship knowing hed be the one to leave. i just wonder how long i have. im doing my best but nothing is good enough.

you reached up in the air
and slowed down time
so i could coat my skin
with the feeling of your touch
and let your gaze
undress me,
leaving all my pain
in a pile on the floor.

i took some pix of peter an i. i think they are cute.

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