sarcasticsquirrel: (bunny might-as-well-b)
well my dad canceled on me for the like 10th time. so fuck him im not calling anymore.

saw will and met his friend. that was nice. hadnt seen will in a while.

im tired for some reason. and sore. gonna curl up in bed and watch this documentary of men talking about their dicks. hehe.
sarcasticsquirrel: (me animated)
so i had to go get a paper from the employment department. and i ran late and didnt have my phone. so i was too late to do my shoot. which means i made no money and i am broke. i have money in the bank. but its designated for bills. i suppose ill be using it if i have to spend any money tomorrow. sunday i have a shoot in the morning. then i need to get my halloween costume and see jim, and need peter to look at his halloween options and we were going to get him groceries. and im going to hive with tim. i wanted to go get pumpkins tomorrow but i dont want to spend the money right now.

marc who i was sposed to shoot with today said he could shoot me this weekend so i offered him saturday. or he said he could advance me the shoot fee. hes really nice.

dad just canceled again. gawd.

signed up with the employment office. yay.


after 6 years, seen if you dont count walking up to him and not speaking after i got out of rosement, i saw lawton browning. at school. looks like he goes there. he smiled at me and i smiled back. i was too shocked to say anything. i wonder if he recognized me or just thought a cute girl was looking at him. it was wierd seeing him. i wanted to talk to him. i hated him for a long time but i expected too much from him. he was only 15. he turned 16 right before i assaulted him.

btw look at my new icon. yay!
sarcasticsquirrel: (sacrifice by phone a_curst_shrew)
my dad just called and canceled on me again. said friday for sure. im betting hell be drunk when i call friday after my shoot.
sarcasticsquirrel: (me eye the_dodger)
there was a band playing in the smith building today that i liked. saw jackie and we listened to the band and talked a bit.

i think im getting from my motivation class what i was hoping ot get from my behavior analysis class. funny how that works out.

went to buffy last night. micah went with me. he seemed to enjoy it. then i went and stayed at peters. i have a blister on my foot that wont heal cuz of the spot its in. so im limping around. it sucks.

my dad should be comming over (though hes bailed on me two days in a row so far) at like 3-4 to cut my hair before i go with joe to pick up a coffee table. then jim is sposed to come get dodgers stuff tonight. and then im going to the decemberists. but tim might not be able to get out of work. which would mean that id have no one to go with which would suck.

in other news: i just ate whipped cream from the can right into my little ashley mouth. woohoo!
sarcasticsquirrel: (lake house cry _myimaginary_)
i wonder sometimes if i care about my dad. them something happens. sometimes it takes that to know. but hes sick. and i feel like crying. hes not an ideal dad but hes the only one i get.

his teeth are falling out. his breathing is messed up. hes worried about his liver and kidneys. hes an alcoholic. but hes waiting until next week to go to the va emergency thing. cuz he has to go to california this weekend. to buy drugs im sure. thats what its always for.
sarcasticsquirrel: (life story considerthis_08)
called m a to confirm our plans for today for lunch. he of course was too drunk when he made the plans an didnt remember today. he still thought my birthday was tomorrow. he told me hed see me later in the week
sarcasticsquirrel: (nancy animated phaust_)
today i felt sick. barely able to sit through class. left to go to the bathroom halfway through i felt so aweful. also i forgot my phone at home. then i met up with peter and we had lunch and talked. i was going hot and cold and he was sure i was sick. went to get a thermometer. turned out my temp was 96.0 but i think im fine. peter hung out with me a bit. then he left and i hung out here and made coffee cake. before peter left i returned a call from my dad. and he was wasted. an it really upset me. and peter held me and tried to make it better. and he did. but only in the comfort sorta way. cuz nothing can make it better. hes my dad and he makes me so mad. but i still want him aroun. i want him to be a dad and he doesnt act like one. an later tonight wheni got home there was another messege from him. and he sounded sober so i called back. and he was wasted again. and he didnt realize hed talked to me already. an he went on about how he was back an made plans for today which im not sure hell keep. an i was upset all over again. only this time peter wasnt there to hold me.

other thing i did today was i went to pose for an artist. he was taking refference photos. made 50 bucks in about 20 minutes. of course the travel time took longer. the bus was late then i couldnt see the street signs an ended up in milwalkie. i used my only change to call the guy an he came an got me thankfully. we i the shoot an he took me home. nice guy.

hopefully my bday will be fun.
sarcasticsquirrel: (life story considerthis_08)
i forgot to tell you all about the call i got yesterday.

my dad called. ugh. anyways, he scolded me for not calling him for so long. i apologized and explained about the move. then he told me his phone had been dead for the last month and he was sorry thats why he hadnt called. wtf!!! anyways, moving on...

he gave me the you have family speech. he talked about how he wished he has some money cuz he needs a place to live too and we could have gotten a place together. i cant think of a worse nightmare. then he said hes going down to california next week and hell have money when he gets back. my dad is a perpetual couch surfer. but he says hes getting a place this time. hes said that many times. maybe hes run out of people to use. he also wants to meet peter, so when he gets back from picking up another shipment of pot to sell from mexico we are going to set up a lunch date. he wants my two brothers that still live in town to be there too. peter has met my bitchy, judgemental mother. now he can meet my mind numblingly stupid father, my uneducated older brother (whjo i love to pieces, hes such a sweety), and my little jock of a younger brother.

the fun did not end there! oh no. i made the mistake of teling my dad im looking for a job. now, as many of you are aware, my dad is a drug dealer. an alcoholic, pothead, drug dealer who has been to jail twice for drug trafficing, once on federal charges. im sooo proud. so anyways, my dad says he can get me a part time job. oh boy. working for a friend of his. oh no. at a smoke shop selling tobacco and bongs and stuff. oh gawd. i cant stress enough how bad an idea this is. but how could i tell my dad he associates with shady people, an is in fact shay himself, and that the last thing his felon of a daughter needs is to be working in some smoke shop that is probably selling drugs out the back and having the cops come in an bust me. it would have hurt his feelings.

why do i even care about his feelings? hes my dad. only one i get. i tried to trade him in for a jetta but he has too many miles on him. so i have to keep him. i will give him credit for something though. hes always proud of me. hes always supportive. hes always positive when speaking about me. he loves me. hes a shitty father but he cares and he makes it clear somehow. to him i am a beautiful, intelligent woman. he sees me the way i wish my mother saw me.
sarcasticsquirrel: (wesley sacrifice beneathgulmissy)
so my dad cant do my hair cuz he is going to arizona to start up his drug dealing again. he said hes sorry to disappoint me, which might have meant a lot if i didnt know he was only refering to the fact that he cant do my hair for me. he is a constant disappointment. and totally unaware of it.

talked to dodger last night. he says he doesnt think he can get an appartment by the end of june. he is focusing on finding a repacement job for september. he doesnt think he has the time or money to find an apartment. which means that i need to do something or at the end of june ill be homeless. if i can get into them there are some places that i can afford. but i have to work around my criminal record and i need to come up with the money for the security deposite and the pet deposite. ive bookmarked some places on apartment guide. its too early to check craigslist. i didnt apply to any schools up here so i guess ill be out of school next year, at least for a while. im still waiting to hear if i got accepted to the college down in sf. if not then either way im out of school. and paying off my fucking student loans.

i dont know what will happen to dodger and i. he wants me to get a place and then come down and see him all the time once he gets an apartment, while im waiting for my lease to end. or to break my lease. i dont want to be in a long distance relationship for more than a few months. and i dont want to uproot my life every few weeks, transport fred and me down there then back up again. all of this totally sucks. and im not sure that he sees me as all that important. i know im less important to him than a nice job or some level of success so he can feel like he has the ability to control everything. i cant talk to him about any of this really, he gets really upset. it seems i cant talk to him about a lot of things anymore. i used to be able to just talk to him. but now if it isnt something he can just fix then he gets all upset when i just want to talk about my life. seems he only calls me when he needs me to turn off bit torrent or to do something on his computer for him. he may talk to me afterwards but the reason he calls is to have me do something for him. and when i call he is busy and distracted or doing something or tired. as sad as it was, i think i almost prefer the dodger over the summer that at least missed me a lot and cared that i wasnt there with him.
sarcasticsquirrel: (shit saved lethia)
so ill tell you about today. it started off normal. i was sad i didnt have time to pet a fkuffy white cat on my way to the bus stop, but my usual sleepy self dragged to school. i was going to do my homework in class. i get there and i dont understand whats going on. i try to start last nights homework but find i dont understand that either. i get my test back and i failed. i stay after and he helps me but he tells me i have to start committing this stuff to long term memory. if i could do that i would have passed already. im failing the class. this is the 3rd time ive taken it. and i have retained none of the information. none. its like im seeing it all for the first time. i will learn things in class and then i wont know how to do them the next day. and its not just math. everything in my life is like this. i forget almost everything. i write things down, i save all my passwords on my computer cuz i forget. i can never remember how to do thigns. i get reminder calls the day before for appointments and i still forget. my mind doesnt work right. nothing seems to stick. and ive forgetten most everything in my life except the really big things. everything else, events, people, ect are just gone. i read my lj and i dont even remember who or what im talking about. and it scares me. and this teacher who doesnt allow any notes during tests is telling me i just have to start remembering these math things. i dont remember what he taught the other day, i dont remember the info from taking the class the first 2 times, and i dont remember the classes before this that we are building on.

so then i go downtown. i get the hair dye i need, a tattoo devil ducky, and i even got a cheap pair of jeans at buffalo exchange. they fit me perfectly and it only took me a few minutes to find them. thats rare. so im feeling better. i call my dad. he has lost his job again. dont know where hes staying. he says he might be leaving town for a while. shit hes sposed to do my hair. leaving town means drug deals, dodging police warrents, or going to jail. great. or rehab again but i doubt it. im guesssing drug dealing.

i go to the bank and put in the money from the shoot i did yesterday. that should give me about 90 in the bank. seems nice. ill get to spend some cash. i need new sandles, ect. they tell me that im over $100 overdrawn. that means that when i get paid tomorrow if i put the money in to pay comcast not to shut the internet and tv off then the money will be absorbed by the overdraft fees. fuck. i think it must be some mistake. they tell me that my credit card auto payment overdrew me on the 17th. i thought it was due on the 19th. when i came in and put in 30 on the 18th they didnt tell me i was overdrawn. i had been going around using my card assuming i had plenty of cash. but every time i used it i was getting a $35 overdraft fee. thats fucked up. so i go home and check my bank history online and find that the 17th is the normal pay date. fuck fruck fruck. well dodger paypalled me $100 so that and the $125 i make tomorrow should cover this months comcast and the overdraft. but im flat broke now. this fucking sucks. im totally pissed. i know its my fault but shit. the bank coulda told me when i was in there the first time. then i wouldnt have like 5 overdraft fees.
sarcasticsquirrel: (Default)
went to see my dad today. called from downtown to find out which bus and he wasnt even there. waited like an hour in pioneer place mall. then went to see my dad. walked in and the place was filled with the smell of freshly smoked pot. he washed my hair and then put the red celophane dye in it. it didnt turn out as bright as id hoped at all. then he trimmed it, and trimmed up my bangs. he gave me a hair treatment stuff and some shampoo and conditioner. then he spent some time lookin for his joint. finally i saw and pointed out that it was behind his ear the whole time. he was stoned the whole time he was doing my hair. he is going back into drug dealing. his ex wife used to snort coke when she was raising my little brothers when they were young. my mom would snort coke and smoke pot and drink. i see how my dad is and i wonder what would have happened if my mom hadnt changed her ways when she got pregnant? what would things have been like if she was a coke addict and a drinker and smoking pot and partying and not working enough and what would it have been like? my dad never did. my mom only did cuz she had me. but there are plenty of people for whom the birth of their child is not the wake up call it needs to be.

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sarcastic squirrel

January 2017

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