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and now for another exciting installment of life sucks and people are bastards. lets tune in where we left off...
i stood in the book section of fred meyers, still shaking. i was looking at the books but not really. i was worried i looked too upset and people would be wondering. i was waiting for dodger. he came in and i hugged him. he asked what happened and i just looked at him. i said what do you think happened? he kept asking but i just looked at him. we got the soda that we had planned on picking up earlier. i said i wanted to wait to talk till we got outside. i got outside and we talked. and he dialed 911 on the cell phone and went to hit send and i said no, i wanted to go up to the hospital. so we stopped by home and grabbed teddy and some clothes. we went up to good sam hospital on 23rd. they talked to me. said they would call the police and then i would be sent up to ohsu for the rape exam. so i waited and the cop showed up. and she talked to me. and she seemed to judge me by the modeling and look down on me. and she also seemed judgemental about the fact that im bipolar and that im not on meds. so that all made me feel shitty. and she said dodger seemed too calm. he was supressing homicidal rage. and she said i was too calm. gee thanks. let me work on falling apart. then she drove dodger and i to ohsu. we waited in the waiting room. then i got checked in. i was taken back to a room with couches. the cop and an advocate from the DA's office were there. they talked to me. dodger came back there too. he drew a sketch of the guy from my description. i gave details again and such. then the nurse came in and she asked questions too. and she had me give a urine sample. the cop didnt even let me be alone for that, she came in and kept questioning me. that was annoying. dodger seemed to be affected by all this much more than i was. he was visably upset, and still is. he stayed with me and comforted me and was an all around wonderful boyfriend. the most embarrassing part of telling all this to the cops was tlaking abut the graffic pictures that he took of me. cuz that was before i said no, when i was just too scared to say no and walk away. technically i consented to that.
i was taken back to a hospital room. dodger stayed outside. the advocate stayed with me. the nurse had me take off my clothes and the cop took them. then she looked at me all over. and she shined a black light on me looking for bodily fluids. she found nothing. even though he came on my leg i guess i wiped it off too well. she swabbed my leg anyways. then she had to do a pelvic. she looked at the outside. then she had to put the speculum in. only she couldnt contamenate me with lube. s she just had to put it in. it hurt so bad. dodger heard me from the hall. i was being pathetic. but it hurt. im tiny enough normally but no lube? damn. she swabbed and stuff. then the doctor came and talked to me. didnt do anything really. i called my mom against dodgers judgement. asked her to come pick us up. she yelled at me. she asked me what i was wearing. she sounded annoyed at being called so late. it was about 2am. i got a shot in my arm for std stuff. i tried to take some std stuff in pill form but couldnt get it down even crushed in jello. i was given some underwear and flip flops cuz i forgot to bring extra shoes and panties. they took my only real bra and my nice boots. i got dressed and went out to meet my mom. she gave me a hug. then in the car she totally went off on me and him the whole time. shit talking dodger like he wasnt right there. and telling me i have to stop doing the modeling. i didnt need the shit she gave me. i didnt need the yelling. i didnt need the lectures. i had hoped for something better from her. but i didnt get it. fuck her. i went into my place and i got online for a quick post and some emailing and then i took a bath. dodger and i went to bed.
today i got up hours before dodger. i made the long post i made earlier. i talked to some people. i have the support of a few of the photographers ive worked for, including a lawyer. dodger and i went to subway. then we went to lloyd mall and i got a bra to replace the one thats evidence. we came back and then were off again to the justice building to talk to a detective. tried to do a taped phone call to the rapist. he didnt answer. went to his building. couldnt get in. im afraid they arent going to nail this guy. they say they will. but i dont know. the detective got all mad at a guy downtown. swore at him and twisted his arm. it was funny but at the same time seemed wrong. he took dodger and i home. said hed try again later.
my dad left me a voicemail. he was drunk and yelling at me. i called him. he yelled more. i didnt tell him what had happened. hes moving to indianna in a few weeks. he told me blood is most important. i was tired of him being on my case, wasnt in the mood so i said then where the fuck were you my whole life and hung up. called devin who said that dad was stupid and he hadnt said the things dad said he had. i told him what happened. he was really nice. hes a good brother. im seeing him next sunday. im going to hive in a minute.
dodger seems really pleased i havent broken down. says its beter that way. at first i was just totally numb and detached. as today has progressed ive felt myself start screaming inside my head more and more. my face will scrunch up when he cant see it. im not breaking down. but im not made of stone either. im scared. reality has slapped me in the face and said no you wont always make those miraculous escapes form bad situations. things really do happen to you. and im mad at myself for getting myself in the situation. and for not fighting harder. and for not leaving sooner, when i didnt like the pix he was taking. and for not following my gut. for just being dumb. i never shoulda been there inthe first place. i think im more mad at me than i am at him. but i am mad at him. im mad he didnt use a condom. im mad he tried to act like nothing happened. im mad he hurt me. i think hes an asshole. but im still more mad at myself for knowing better and still getting myself in a stupid situation. im not that fucking dumb. or maybe i am. and im afraid to get attention or look sexy. and im afraid of still being interested in sex. and i cringed at some sexy photos of me that were emailed to me from the other shoot i did yesterday. im afraid to be sexual and to want to be. and im still mad at myself. and im afraid to break down. and im afraid of staying detached. i know the feelings are there. i can feel them inside me. but its like trying to feel something through a wall. i know i was stupid. but dammit, this was a cruel way for life to say hey dumb ass, stop doing this shit. i dont know how well im actually dealing with this, or how well ill keep up this calm exterior. it reminded me of when i had my abortion and i was worried more about sarahs scraped knee than my own pain. this time i was worried about dodger and the DA lady being up too late and tired. *sigh* sometime ill have to take care of my self too.
im not working with new photographers for a while. ill still work with the ones ive already done work for when i get back from seattle on thursday. im going to see my nana tomorrow morning. not looking forward to it. *sigh*
thank you to my friends who have tlaked to me. i love you guys. you are being great.
i stood in the book section of fred meyers, still shaking. i was looking at the books but not really. i was worried i looked too upset and people would be wondering. i was waiting for dodger. he came in and i hugged him. he asked what happened and i just looked at him. i said what do you think happened? he kept asking but i just looked at him. we got the soda that we had planned on picking up earlier. i said i wanted to wait to talk till we got outside. i got outside and we talked. and he dialed 911 on the cell phone and went to hit send and i said no, i wanted to go up to the hospital. so we stopped by home and grabbed teddy and some clothes. we went up to good sam hospital on 23rd. they talked to me. said they would call the police and then i would be sent up to ohsu for the rape exam. so i waited and the cop showed up. and she talked to me. and she seemed to judge me by the modeling and look down on me. and she also seemed judgemental about the fact that im bipolar and that im not on meds. so that all made me feel shitty. and she said dodger seemed too calm. he was supressing homicidal rage. and she said i was too calm. gee thanks. let me work on falling apart. then she drove dodger and i to ohsu. we waited in the waiting room. then i got checked in. i was taken back to a room with couches. the cop and an advocate from the DA's office were there. they talked to me. dodger came back there too. he drew a sketch of the guy from my description. i gave details again and such. then the nurse came in and she asked questions too. and she had me give a urine sample. the cop didnt even let me be alone for that, she came in and kept questioning me. that was annoying. dodger seemed to be affected by all this much more than i was. he was visably upset, and still is. he stayed with me and comforted me and was an all around wonderful boyfriend. the most embarrassing part of telling all this to the cops was tlaking abut the graffic pictures that he took of me. cuz that was before i said no, when i was just too scared to say no and walk away. technically i consented to that.
i was taken back to a hospital room. dodger stayed outside. the advocate stayed with me. the nurse had me take off my clothes and the cop took them. then she looked at me all over. and she shined a black light on me looking for bodily fluids. she found nothing. even though he came on my leg i guess i wiped it off too well. she swabbed my leg anyways. then she had to do a pelvic. she looked at the outside. then she had to put the speculum in. only she couldnt contamenate me with lube. s she just had to put it in. it hurt so bad. dodger heard me from the hall. i was being pathetic. but it hurt. im tiny enough normally but no lube? damn. she swabbed and stuff. then the doctor came and talked to me. didnt do anything really. i called my mom against dodgers judgement. asked her to come pick us up. she yelled at me. she asked me what i was wearing. she sounded annoyed at being called so late. it was about 2am. i got a shot in my arm for std stuff. i tried to take some std stuff in pill form but couldnt get it down even crushed in jello. i was given some underwear and flip flops cuz i forgot to bring extra shoes and panties. they took my only real bra and my nice boots. i got dressed and went out to meet my mom. she gave me a hug. then in the car she totally went off on me and him the whole time. shit talking dodger like he wasnt right there. and telling me i have to stop doing the modeling. i didnt need the shit she gave me. i didnt need the yelling. i didnt need the lectures. i had hoped for something better from her. but i didnt get it. fuck her. i went into my place and i got online for a quick post and some emailing and then i took a bath. dodger and i went to bed.
today i got up hours before dodger. i made the long post i made earlier. i talked to some people. i have the support of a few of the photographers ive worked for, including a lawyer. dodger and i went to subway. then we went to lloyd mall and i got a bra to replace the one thats evidence. we came back and then were off again to the justice building to talk to a detective. tried to do a taped phone call to the rapist. he didnt answer. went to his building. couldnt get in. im afraid they arent going to nail this guy. they say they will. but i dont know. the detective got all mad at a guy downtown. swore at him and twisted his arm. it was funny but at the same time seemed wrong. he took dodger and i home. said hed try again later.
my dad left me a voicemail. he was drunk and yelling at me. i called him. he yelled more. i didnt tell him what had happened. hes moving to indianna in a few weeks. he told me blood is most important. i was tired of him being on my case, wasnt in the mood so i said then where the fuck were you my whole life and hung up. called devin who said that dad was stupid and he hadnt said the things dad said he had. i told him what happened. he was really nice. hes a good brother. im seeing him next sunday. im going to hive in a minute.
dodger seems really pleased i havent broken down. says its beter that way. at first i was just totally numb and detached. as today has progressed ive felt myself start screaming inside my head more and more. my face will scrunch up when he cant see it. im not breaking down. but im not made of stone either. im scared. reality has slapped me in the face and said no you wont always make those miraculous escapes form bad situations. things really do happen to you. and im mad at myself for getting myself in the situation. and for not fighting harder. and for not leaving sooner, when i didnt like the pix he was taking. and for not following my gut. for just being dumb. i never shoulda been there inthe first place. i think im more mad at me than i am at him. but i am mad at him. im mad he didnt use a condom. im mad he tried to act like nothing happened. im mad he hurt me. i think hes an asshole. but im still more mad at myself for knowing better and still getting myself in a stupid situation. im not that fucking dumb. or maybe i am. and im afraid to get attention or look sexy. and im afraid of still being interested in sex. and i cringed at some sexy photos of me that were emailed to me from the other shoot i did yesterday. im afraid to be sexual and to want to be. and im still mad at myself. and im afraid to break down. and im afraid of staying detached. i know the feelings are there. i can feel them inside me. but its like trying to feel something through a wall. i know i was stupid. but dammit, this was a cruel way for life to say hey dumb ass, stop doing this shit. i dont know how well im actually dealing with this, or how well ill keep up this calm exterior. it reminded me of when i had my abortion and i was worried more about sarahs scraped knee than my own pain. this time i was worried about dodger and the DA lady being up too late and tired. *sigh* sometime ill have to take care of my self too.
im not working with new photographers for a while. ill still work with the ones ive already done work for when i get back from seattle on thursday. im going to see my nana tomorrow morning. not looking forward to it. *sigh*
thank you to my friends who have tlaked to me. i love you guys. you are being great.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2005-09-19 06:11 am (UTC)From:This time its ok to freak out ashley. It is OK to freak out, especially in light of the fact that maybe if you don't it will come later...
i don't mean that you have to, i just mean, it is justified.
no subject
Date: 2005-09-19 08:49 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2005-09-19 10:31 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2005-09-19 05:43 pm (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2005-09-20 07:03 am (UTC)From:uh...late afternoon early eve until around ten, but not tomarrow
no subject
still... good luck with this situation. i hope you get it worked out.
no subject
Date: 2005-09-19 11:04 am (UTC)From:And my offer still stands.
Have 5 people and myself just waiting for the word.
no subject
Date: 2005-09-19 05:42 pm (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2005-09-19 09:05 pm (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2005-09-20 02:25 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2005-09-19 08:23 pm (UTC)From:My offer also still stands. From now on I'm going with you to the shoots. The old photographers will certainly understand the need for support after this and when you do start with new ones I'll be there to be sure nothing happens to you.
Have a good time up there.
no subject
Date: 2005-09-20 02:23 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2005-09-20 12:46 am (UTC)From: