(no subject)

tonight lucas invited me to his company xmas party tomorrow afternoon. and i said no. and i feel bad cuz i can tell he wants me to go.

why o i always end up being the bad girlfriend? why am i always the villain, always the bad guy? why cant he ever be the bad one? then i might spend less time feelings guilty and awful about myself.

so, why did i say i wouldnt go when i have nothing going on tomorrow? first off i dont like going places alone when i dont know how to get there. i always get really stressed out even if i have directions. secondly i dont go anywhere by myself much. like if i go to the club or a party i always go with someone. i dont like entering places that contain people who will notice me when im by myself. so even if i made the trip over there id just sit outside till he came out to go home. also, as with his friends, id have nothing to say to his co-workers. id feel uncomfortable and stare at the floor. it will be very rare that i go anywhere with him to any occassion because i am not good at social interactions. i dont do wel talking to his friends, his family, and im sure his co-workers aswell. and i feel bad about this, but im never going to be any better about it. i can barely talk to my own friends. i mostly just say somewhat funny (or meant to be) one liners that are either perverse or meant to insult someone. i dont do smalltalk. i either do my one liners or i say things that are horrible personal and usually involve soemthing like "and this one time in the mental lock up..." or "and this guy i fucked..." or something equally not polite conversation appropriate. so thats why i said no. but i still feel bad. i love my boy. i dont like to disappoint him.

(no subject)

micah messeged me tonight. i was very surprised. i felt sick to my tummy. i was afraid. he asked me some questions. and i answered. and he told me that no, in answer to the text i sent sunday night, he is not the one hacking into my new email. i feel that i should believe him. so i will. and we were civil to each other and that is good. and i promised to mail his shirt. and i found out taht he is going to be at owens bday. so we will just have to stay away from each other and be cool. he says he wont cause a scene. lucas is comming with me for at least part of it. this should be interesting. hope everything goes fine. he said he doesnt feel the need to go out of his way to hurt me. that made me feel better. hes hurt me enough already. ive hurt him more than enough. but i think thats all finally over. lucas did tell me to check micahs lj, which i dont usually anymore but i did and saw the pic of the ashley bear...gutted and being attacked by another teddy bear. i dont understand how someone who says they loved me can hate me, can stop loving me. unlike me, not everyone believes that you love someone then you love them forever, at least part of you does, in some way. i still believe that though.

(no subject)

34 flea bites. i think they like me.

(no subject)

this seems surprisingly accurate in theory

Your LJ Thanksgiving Dinner by Karen_Walker
Username
What are you thankful for?
Hosted the dinner	snatchbeast
Burned the turkey	up_on_the_roof
Ate tofurkey instead	robota
Got drunk and passed out	star_dancer
Ate all the pie	dread_pirate
Started a food fight	hauntednights
Re-enacted the first Thanksgiving	rictheron
Watched football all day	zahrimsthoughts
Was late for dinner	osdavis
Got lost and never made it	mevsmevsme
Quiz created with MemeGen!

(no subject)

according to http://www.auburn.edu/~shephcd/whatyouare.html i am a:

testicular size queen who loves to hoard soles

muscular bicycle who loves to nuzzle octupi

oversexed midget who loves to phylosophy with mufflers (that doesnt make sense)

i need to stop now...hahaha