"so you think im evil because i took a bunch of young girls out camping and didnt touch them?"

met with a photographer this morning. then got together with will and hung out. thats always a good time. also picked up an inflatable punching bag thing of the president. yay.

yesterday i went up to pcc rock creek to get a letter of recommendation from one of my old teachers. went and saw my friends. the campus was different. thered been contrustion. the geeks had their own little lair now. saw craig. ive always been strangly drawn to him. it was good to see him. i was kinda sad he has a girlfriend. we always used to flirt and it was fun. also picked up a leather jacket yesterday. i like it. and it was on sale cheap.

my trip to seattle was ok. saw failure to launch and pride and prejudice. my nana is a major health nut. its so fucking annoying. she wont eat any normal food anymore. she took me to get fish and chips cuz i wanted thme and yelled at a lady that worked there for not knowing what oil they used to fry the fish. but the trip was good in general. no fighting. saw a preview, they are releasing a movie about flight 93, one of the 9/11 planes. first of all ick. second double ick on the exploitation of human tradgedy and also the renewed fear i think itll evoke in people.

my nana is losing her mind. we weere on the freeway and she was in the middle of changing lanes when she gripped the wheel and got all wide eyed and started yelling "where are we going? where are we going?" then she remembered that we were on our way to the movies. said she must have been on autopilot the whole way till then. but really i think that while on the freeway she forgot what she was doing. and that scared me.

my mom is having muscled weakness and soreness in her arms. its been going on a few months. she can barely open doors. its scary.

i went to the dentist yesterday for the first time since i was 19. shes going to check again after a cleaning but so far im going to be getting 13 fillings. fuck! ive never had a cavity before. this sucks. my teeth are so bad she needs to numb me for the cleaning.

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just so all of you who know me feel extra safew and comfy, jess bought me a knife. he got it for my protection. but i know many of you will ruin in fear at the thought of me with something pointy.

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so i was thinking that maybe some crazy people the only difference is that they are less embarrassed. like havent you ever wanted to sing but were out in public so you didnt? do you ever talk to yourself at home? its like if you take away the rules that society has for things like that and make it so you wouldnt be embarrassed youd be like many crazy people on the street. or maybe im just closer to that crazy line than others...

i used to be able to go somewhere and flirt and make half the guys there want to go home with me. i used to be able to seduce people. and its not like that anymore. it makes me sad sometimes. i dont even remember really what i used to do. i think i moved differently, talked differently. i think i acted differently towards people. i think after i got raped i stopped acting the same. i think my behavior as far as moving and flirting and such changed a lot. but i miss the attention now.

people used to tell me how strong i am. and im not as strong as they thought. but i am strong. but i think my strength and my ability to survive came from a great love of people. i feel like im losing my compassion and my love for people. i find that these days i dont like most people. i dont trust them. they annoy me. and i dont care as much about helping people sort things out and being supportive and listening to people. i dont know whats happened to me.

i found out recently that i was lied to. i will never be able to get my record expunged. career-wise this will be a big issue. at the age of 17 i sealed my fate. i will be labeled a violent felone forever. and i dont think thats fair.