sarcasticsquirrel | (no subject)

i just started writing this but im posting what i have so far. please read it and feel free to give input. ill be adding more and posting as i go along.

ive rarely seen my mother cry. mostly when someone died or she was betrayed. i guess this could been seen as a betrayal, to her anyways. but it wasnt meant to be.

she wouldnt come see me in jail. i was so frightened, and she wouldnt come. she said she didnt want to see me that way. i came in there with my pigtails and a certain innocence still painted across my face. the girls circled around me. they asked me "are you scared of us? are you scared of us?" i didnt answer.

i learned that day how to eat fast before the food was taken from us. i also learned that even here i could be feared. i was being heald in the medical isolation room, where the window in the wall lead to the office and i could be watched at all times. they could open the blinds and watch me pee. and they did.

at one point the girls were talking about what they did to get in juvenile detention. one had lied to the cops, one had run away, ect. and those tough girls who had circled around me like i was their prey asked me what id done. and i looked at them calmly and in a flat, lifeless voice i said "i sliced someone with a boxcutter." they never asked if i was scared of them again. i could see their eyes, it wasnt only fear that shone in them, but respect.

my mother was very embarrassed by my arrest. i know she loves me, but i think she called in a favor with people she works with as much to try and lessen the humiliation as to keep me out of jail. instead of staying in juvie until my court date i was given a bed, passing at least a years worth of waiting list, at rosemont school for girl.

when i arrived my mother was there. she cried. she hugged me. then i was taken to be handed off. i dont think i realized at the time how much power she was giving away. how she would have to sign over part of her parental rights. how her only child was about to be taken away in a way that is irreversible. consequences have never been something ive been good at grasping. everything in my life has seemed like a movie, something that wasnt quite real, therefor the end results never mattered. thats how i was able to act on impulse at every turn. my mother handed me off to a man who seemed larger at that moment than he ever would again. his giant furry eyebrows threatened to eat his eyes at any moment. he kicked the toe of my dr martins and asked if they were steal toed. whe he was assured they werent i was lead back behind the locked door.

rosemont school for girls sounds like a high price finishing school. in reality it is a completely locked down residential behavioral treatment center for delinquent teenage girls. one side of it was the drug dorm, the other side was the mental health wing. i was on the mental health side. i was ushered with no explanation into the life of being a rosemont girl. taken straight into the dinner line with the girl in front of me giving me instructions as we went through the cafeteria. after dinner no staff paid attention to me and i was left standing out in the hallway alone. it stretched out before me like some exagerated movie hallway, something out of the shining perhaps. months later as i looked at the short stratch of hall i never could understand how it seemed so long and intimidating. they seriously need to consider how they handle new people. a girl in one room, no lights on, let me come in and stay there. my "big sister" the one who was sposed to explain everything to me, was not there right then. so this girl, and another one that was on the bed, talked to me while the staff had their meeting. they nearly disappeared in the darkness, dressed all in black, their pale faces the only visable part of them.

one of the staff went through my stuff and i was mortified to see some of the things my mother had packed for me. i sat there with my pigtails and my eeyore shirt and evereyone thought i was about 14. they had no clue i was the oldest girl there. and the one facing the most serious legal trouble. compared to most of them i was extreemly sheltered. but though i hadnt been being reemed by the system my whole life, i did manage to fuck up enough that i would be handed down consequences none of them were going to face, at least not until they were older. i was seventeen. i had lost everything and everyone that meant anything to me in one single minute. but the path that was haulted in that moment was one with even heavier consequences had i stayed on it. its like blowing up a bridge to save yourself from whats across it.