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i still hate my life. an i have watche my temper an i am afrai that if i ever have kids i will hit them. i alreay hit an yell at my cat when im upset. i ont feel qualifie to own a pet much less take care of a human. without having kis or ever having a career the only thing i could ever get that i actually want is to get married. but knowing me if i o manage to get married itll be to an asshole. i ont have the best taste and the only person who woul stay with someone as unhappy as me has to have real flaws. and thinking that the only thing i have to possibly look forward to is marraige makes me feel like im int he 50's, only with birth control.
i want to be a writer but i dont write anymore. i want to make my own clothes an take pictures and o a million other things i never do. and im wasting my mind. i can feelmy life going to waste every day but i cant seem to make the changes in myself i need to make that different.
i learned a long time ago that 90% of the people i meet (an thats a conservative estimate) only care about my looks. they think im cute, hot, pretty, whatever an they either want to be aound me for that or even worse, they have no interest in my company if im not going to fuck them.
a little over a year ago i took the fact that the only thing i feel i have to offer is my body and an the fact that i have no marketable skills an i turned to modeling. it seeme like itd be easy and possibly fun. i gained confidence in myself and my appearance. i usually dont like how i look. but i felt pretty and good about myself. an the minute that happened and i started dressing to match how i felt someone came along and raped me.
an i was back at square one, right where i was in high school. feeling like i wante to be ugly so i could be safe. i use to try and scar my face just so i wouldnt have to fear men attacking me. i figure i be left alone if i was unappealing. im trying very hard now to balance looking good and not looking too good. nice jeans are ok. a short skirt no longer is. an that fucking sucks. the fact that someone can make me feel this way isnt right. the fact that i have to look in the mirror and wish i were repulsive because i fear for my safety is wrong.
i remember when i realized during the rape that i couldnt push him off of me. i never stopped pushing at him or screaming or trying, but i remember tightening my vagina to try and get him off faster. so it would be over sooner. that felt like giving in, it felt like giving up. i was still crying an pushing, but i was helping him. an that felt like i was saying it was ok. like i made it my fault, like i said ok, do this to me.
on september 17th it will be one year since i was raped. and i am going to be alone. at least i canceled my modeling job for the day. id like to say ive quit entirely, but i know that until i find a good job i wont stop modeling becuase i ont want to be broke and struggling constantly. that wont make me happy either. but im not taking any new clients. ever again. i want out and ill get out as soon as i get myself set up.
i want to be a writer but i dont write anymore. i want to make my own clothes an take pictures and o a million other things i never do. and im wasting my mind. i can feelmy life going to waste every day but i cant seem to make the changes in myself i need to make that different.
i learned a long time ago that 90% of the people i meet (an thats a conservative estimate) only care about my looks. they think im cute, hot, pretty, whatever an they either want to be aound me for that or even worse, they have no interest in my company if im not going to fuck them.
a little over a year ago i took the fact that the only thing i feel i have to offer is my body and an the fact that i have no marketable skills an i turned to modeling. it seeme like itd be easy and possibly fun. i gained confidence in myself and my appearance. i usually dont like how i look. but i felt pretty and good about myself. an the minute that happened and i started dressing to match how i felt someone came along and raped me.
an i was back at square one, right where i was in high school. feeling like i wante to be ugly so i could be safe. i use to try and scar my face just so i wouldnt have to fear men attacking me. i figure i be left alone if i was unappealing. im trying very hard now to balance looking good and not looking too good. nice jeans are ok. a short skirt no longer is. an that fucking sucks. the fact that someone can make me feel this way isnt right. the fact that i have to look in the mirror and wish i were repulsive because i fear for my safety is wrong.
i remember when i realized during the rape that i couldnt push him off of me. i never stopped pushing at him or screaming or trying, but i remember tightening my vagina to try and get him off faster. so it would be over sooner. that felt like giving in, it felt like giving up. i was still crying an pushing, but i was helping him. an that felt like i was saying it was ok. like i made it my fault, like i said ok, do this to me.
on september 17th it will be one year since i was raped. and i am going to be alone. at least i canceled my modeling job for the day. id like to say ive quit entirely, but i know that until i find a good job i wont stop modeling becuase i ont want to be broke and struggling constantly. that wont make me happy either. but im not taking any new clients. ever again. i want out and ill get out as soon as i get myself set up.
