sarcastic squirrel

now to get back to the story of my trip to sf...

last night we watched gattica. talked about genetic stuff and kids. he went to smoke and when he returned my mind had travelled pretty far down the wrong way. i thought about how much i want kids, so much so that id been willing to have the child of a psychotic killer/chemist. then i was thinking how i shouldnt regret because if i had a kid i wouldnt have dodger. then i thought about how id be raising a 2 1/2 year old, brown hair, brown eyes, beautiful and toddling around. and i thought about how i wasnt able to stand up to my mom for the sake of the life of my child. dodger came back up and i was curled up on the bed. and he asked what was wrong and i asked him to just hold me. and he did. so i lay there in his arms while flashes of my abortion nightmares flipped throgh my head like changing channels paired with the sounds of creaming, and the dr. telling me it was over, and the sound of a tiny kid saying mommy. and i thought about how my mom had compared james to my dad and had tried to protect me from being her. and i thought about how she regrets me and thinks she would have had a better life without me and wouldnt be alone now. i cried in his arms till the blood vessels around my eyes broke leaving tiny red dots all around my eyes. and i cleaned up my face and i talked to dodger. i told him what was wrong, i talked through it. i said i hate my mama, which isnt true. feels like it sometimes though. and we tlaked about how i hadnt really freaked out all day and then instead of freaking out i cried and showed real grief. i had to explain that im not always as messed up as i have been in the last couple months. and he fucked me, my body pressed tummy down against the bed with him on top of me. and we cuddled and slept. now i am sitting in the sun in some square feeling alright, soaking up the nice weather, and watching toddlers toddle around. sent my mom a pic of me in the square here with sun and palm trees. she called and i talked to her and i think we are alright.
**********************************************

got lunch. came home and i did some online stuff. saw i got 2 A's and a C for spring term. also saw my bank account. my food stamps are gone, after everyting goes through...i spent my 560 in SSI, the 1000 from my mom, and am 1600 in debt on a 1700 limit credit card. i have a cell phone bill to pay of about 150 and another 100 to pay for the phone itself. need job. need porn sets accepted, need more ideas. need help. im so fucked and so scared. i know dodger feels bad. i didnt want him to see this. he shouldnt feel bad. i wanted to spoil him. i dont regret it. he doesnt think hes worth it but hes more than worth it. now to bleach my hair and watch secretary.