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Sep. 3rd, 2005 05:35 pmit tears me up inside the things you do to yourself. sometimes i think it must be karma for all the pain ive put people through over the years that i love someone so much that is so awful to themself. but i do love you. and i do think you make my life better, not worse. and i dont want you to go. and i dont want to be without you. and it wouldnt make things better for anyone. i wish you could see you how i see you.
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last night i was depressed and i ran off. and i shouldnt have. but dodger seemed so preoccupied. and i felt awful. and i left. and i didnt have my phone. just my discman and my wallet and keys. and i walked down the dark streets, nearly midnight. and things shifted and moved and i was frightened. and i kept going. i went to the thurman mart, the one ive been going to since i was 12. and the same woman was behind the counter. but she seemed almost sober for once and she even gavew me my change instead of accusing me of stealing in her drunken broken english.
there was a man on the payphone. i wanted to call dodger. i wanted him to come get me. i dont like the dark, it scares me, and i wasnt doing well. i went up to wallace park, walked around, went to the school, played the hopscotch on the pavement, walked over to the stairs and the dead garden. marion is gone. that place is no longer my safety. she was my chosen mother. but i grew up and didnt call. the last couple years i havent seen her. i knew she was going to retire because of budget cuts affecvting her retirement money. now i dont know how to get a hold of her or even if she died.
i walked around for about a half hour looking for another pay phone, circling back by the one at the store several times but the man was still on it. that was pissing me off. found a payphone but it was broken. then finally found a working one and called him and he headed off to find me. but he didnt hear the part about the school so he searched the park and couldnt find me. then jess met him with the car and they found me up on the steps and came and got me. and we went home and ate and tlaked and i played with my sims and dodger read to me more from the kitty book.
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last night i was depressed and i ran off. and i shouldnt have. but dodger seemed so preoccupied. and i felt awful. and i left. and i didnt have my phone. just my discman and my wallet and keys. and i walked down the dark streets, nearly midnight. and things shifted and moved and i was frightened. and i kept going. i went to the thurman mart, the one ive been going to since i was 12. and the same woman was behind the counter. but she seemed almost sober for once and she even gavew me my change instead of accusing me of stealing in her drunken broken english.
there was a man on the payphone. i wanted to call dodger. i wanted him to come get me. i dont like the dark, it scares me, and i wasnt doing well. i went up to wallace park, walked around, went to the school, played the hopscotch on the pavement, walked over to the stairs and the dead garden. marion is gone. that place is no longer my safety. she was my chosen mother. but i grew up and didnt call. the last couple years i havent seen her. i knew she was going to retire because of budget cuts affecvting her retirement money. now i dont know how to get a hold of her or even if she died.
i walked around for about a half hour looking for another pay phone, circling back by the one at the store several times but the man was still on it. that was pissing me off. found a payphone but it was broken. then finally found a working one and called him and he headed off to find me. but he didnt hear the part about the school so he searched the park and couldnt find me. then jess met him with the car and they found me up on the steps and came and got me. and we went home and ate and tlaked and i played with my sims and dodger read to me more from the kitty book.
