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Jul. 13th, 2006 02:15 ami think that i nee far too much attention. my life is meaningless, completely worthless and empty and i keep expecting people to take the time to fill it but its like pouring water into something that has a hole in the bottom. i dont know what would make my life not like this. besides being someone else. someone not lazy, educated, involved, having a job, ect. all those things i know i wont do. i seem so different from how i used to be most of the time now. but i know its all still there below the surface. i know that if i allow myself to feel that everything falls apart. an i hate myself so much. all i o is sleep and eat and spend money and sit aroun insisting other people entertain me. kity was right, im emotionally draining. it was true at 15 and its true 8 years later. and i feel like dodger doesnt really want me anymore, and like im not sure if he really wants to be with me. i know its stupid but its like i ont know what i have to offer and he doesnt seem all attracted to me anymore but is to the goth club girls so its hard. itd be different if he were attracted to me like that too.
i have been moopley lately. an i ont think tonight it is helping that i aed someone new to my lj firends list an did what i love to do. i started reading back through their journal. but i like to totally immerse myself in these things like a book so i was going back through an realized you dont rea a book backwards so i went to the first entry an started moving forwards. and it starts at like age 15 or some shit. oh yeah, angst-tastic teenage goodness. but i like it. it doesnt annoy me. it just makes me feel. he is a good guy. i enoy talking to him. now it is time someone come an smack me around like a bitch who wont bring him his beer. volunteers?
i have been moopley lately. an i ont think tonight it is helping that i aed someone new to my lj firends list an did what i love to do. i started reading back through their journal. but i like to totally immerse myself in these things like a book so i was going back through an realized you dont rea a book backwards so i went to the first entry an started moving forwards. and it starts at like age 15 or some shit. oh yeah, angst-tastic teenage goodness. but i like it. it doesnt annoy me. it just makes me feel. he is a good guy. i enoy talking to him. now it is time someone come an smack me around like a bitch who wont bring him his beer. volunteers?
