sarcasticsquirrel: (spike cross cappagraphics)
i think that i nee far too much attention. my life is meaningless, completely worthless and empty and i keep expecting people to take the time to fill it but its like pouring water into something that has a hole in the bottom. i dont know what would make my life not like this. besides being someone else. someone not lazy, educated, involved, having a job, ect. all those things i know i wont do. i seem so different from how i used to be most of the time now. but i know its all still there below the surface. i know that if i allow myself to feel that everything falls apart. an i hate myself so much. all i o is sleep and eat and spend money and sit aroun insisting other people entertain me. kity was right, im emotionally draining. it was true at 15 and its true 8 years later. and i feel like dodger doesnt really want me anymore, and like im not sure if he really wants to be with me. i know its stupid but its like i ont know what i have to offer and he doesnt seem all attracted to me anymore but is to the goth club girls so its hard. itd be different if he were attracted to me like that too.

i have been moopley lately. an i ont think tonight it is helping that i aed someone new to my lj firends list an did what i love to do. i started reading back through their journal. but i like to totally immerse myself in these things like a book so i was going back through an realized you dont rea a book backwards so i went to the first entry an started moving forwards. and it starts at like age 15 or some shit. oh yeah, angst-tastic teenage goodness. but i like it. it doesnt annoy me. it just makes me feel. he is a good guy. i enoy talking to him. now it is time someone come an smack me around like a bitch who wont bring him his beer. volunteers?
sarcasticsquirrel: (af real world heavenli-ee)
i was looking for my past and i took a wrong turn at the corner of nostalgia st. and regret ave.
sarcasticsquirrel: (corset falearntofly88)
was lazy today. stayed home. went to the store. went to starbucks. saw the bearista bear for haloween this year at the starbucks. i must have it. someone should get it for me. its my bday...soon. its a bear dressed as a cat with a pumkin trick or treat bag. its super cute. yay.

went to a shoot with leanne tonight at an arcade. was fun. talked to the guys who worked there. stood around lookin at leanne nekkid. yay naked! teehee. i was being annoying. and i felt ugly. my hair was greasy and my clothes sucked and i felt like shit. i dont like feeling that way. im insecure enough when im not greasy and frumpy looking. and when i dont have pretty naked girls to compare myself to. (the reason i havent done threesomes since the one i tried with james and audra). not that i didnt enjoy seeing her nekkid. and saying silly things to make her laugh. which was far too easy. shes fun. one of the only girls who doesnt annoy the shit outta me. i fucking hate most women.

my tummy and head hurt tonight. and earlier i felt dizzy and out of it.
sarcasticsquirrel: (fucked up clem kb_pearl21)
im getting worse. i know, is that possible? now i wake up depressed and panicked. and i cant shake it. i just feel bad all the time now. and scared, and freaked out. i dont know how to function like this. i cant function like this. i dunno. i dunno what to do anymore.
sarcasticsquirrel: (dont panic basilico)
i am having the worst day. i cant make anything work. im really frustrated. im really stressed out. and im depressed and just in an all together shitty mood.

and im still broke. i need to fix that.
sarcasticsquirrel: (breakdown)
so yesterday i went to class. im already confused. glad that im going to have a tutor...dodgers best friend jim. im going over there tomorrow.

didnt do much else yesterday. tlaked to dodger online. he was not having a good day. got to talk to jason in the first time in forever. he said hell come see me sometime after he gets outta the military in september. ive missed my air force boy. dodger seems to see jason as some kinda threat. its cute and sad watching him get all wierd about things. i guess it is human nature. but some of his reactions to things have surprised me. he seemed a bit unnerved by micah yesterday aswell. micah is not trying to steal me. hes got a girlfriend. i admit i was a bit uncomfortable with micah yesterday aswell. i told him id consider his offer. but a threesome with him and his girlfriend? for fucks sake. hes changed. i havent. i never do. im the same peice of shit i was 10 years ago.

i tried to comfort dodger yesterday. apparently im bad at it. i worry about him. hes been really down lately. im not sure why. and i know im not helping. i should be stable and strong so i can be there for him. yet i know that im falling apart. question is how bad is it going to get? and how bad before he walks away from this? its my mean moods that bother him most. but they are the ones that protect me. i need them right now. i need them more often than im using them now. i need walls. i need protection.

sleep schedual is all over the place. trying to follow dodgers sleep schedual. its fucking impossible. but im trying. i still spend hours sitting at the computer wondering when hes going to wake up. doesnt matter now anyways.

i got up at 6am today. class in a couple hours. leaving at 10. not sure what else ill do today. i think ill call mark, my moms friend who is house sitting for her. see what hes up to. i told him id show him around and help him find an appartment. havent met him yet. he sounds really gay on the phone but hes not. hes my moms age. hes a psychologist, criminal one i think. hes also bipolar. he and my mom got drunk and went and bought weed off some random person on the street last year. that was funny and wierd. its like um, mom, you work for the state. geezus. hehe. guess shell never change. anyways...
sarcasticsquirrel: (peejee napkin scorpiofeminist)
a break from the flashbacks.

today i missed class again. switched to an overnight schedual. pete came and woke me up at 1pm. we went and got food. we went to greyhound but lost and found was closed. went to his place and got a rca cable i needed. he was being kinda creepy, talking about having sex with me. and read me what he wrote about seeing me in s.f. in it it said he wants to be my doormatt. said he didnt take me back to dodger that day cuz he wanted me to himself. it was really unnerving.

trent came over tonight. we talked nd caught up and watched hitch. i like that movie. had a good time with him, hes a sweety.

but now im alone. and dodger hasnt gotten up yet. so much for an up at night schedual. i would wake him but his phone has been turned off. im afraid that with his inability to keep a sleep schedual we will never be able to talk cuz ill never be able to keep up with what hes doing that day, or even know what hes doing. or that ill never sleep, staying up hoping to catch him.

im lonely. hardly anyone is online. im sad from posting all the flashback stuff from s.f. and i miss him. im having a ahrd enough time as it is without feeling completely left by him with this lack of him even ever being awake. whatever. im being selfish. if he wants to sleep all the time thats his right. he shouldnt feel he has to be here for me. no one has to be here for me. i dont even feel like taking on that job.

i am afraid of my own self destructive nature. its kicking into overdrive. and i know that i havent acted badly enough to warrent a hospital trip. they wouldnt take me. and honestly i dont have time. thats kinda funny. if it comes down to it and things get worse...i dont have time to save my life. i have a class to go to. maybe i dont want to save myself. its not like he will ever really want to stay with me in the end. what am i waiting around for? rejection.

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sarcastic squirrel

January 2017

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