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back to the story...
i watch him and he is just goreous. and i dont think he knows. we tlaked a long time about diferent things. a lot of it about my issues and possible abuse shit. i keep taking pictures of him. i want to take a million or more, want to capture how he looks at all moments and keep them, surround myself with them when im gone.
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he looked at me and said for 33 years and one month i really missed you. he really loves me. i feel so lucky. and i think its ok he loves me cuz im a better person to/around him than other people. he brings out the best in me, makes me try so hard to shed the bad parts. i love him dearly. i hope it shows enough.
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he woke up at 10 am. four hours of sleep maybe. i was tired, eyes burning. i should have gotten up but i didnt. he was yelling at his laptop. he was pounding his fists on the desk. he said it was ok cuz its just a machine. and i said last night we talked about people being machines. he didnt hear me. i saw myself under his fists. more sleep. woke up again. so much heat. he gets out clothes. i tell him they are too warm and he starts snapping at me. more and more i think he could hurt me. i curled up and he got all concerned. he touched me and i turned away. he lay next to me and my body stiffened. i tried to move away from his touch but he kept following. couldnt he see i was crawling away from him? i got out of the bed. hes so upset, doesnt understand. doesnt understand how sensitive i am. dont hurt me. its too easy.
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he is so sweet and gentle, how could i be afraid of him? i dont see how he could hurt anyone except to defend himself, or me. i think he would to protect me. these entries often seem negative but much of my time here has been positive. problem is the big events are negative and the good things are the little things, the moments, the uneventfullness. i didnt mention earlier but we talked this morning also about how i felt he didnt want me anymore. he hasnt been getting turned on by me and hasnt been making out with me. i knew hed get bored of me. he says hes been avoiding making out due partly to all my freak outs and also to avoid frustration while my period is in full swing. i just want him and i want to feel that closeness that comes through that sort of thing. i want to make love to him while i still can. soon i wont be able to touch him. i hold him every chance i get.
**************************************************************
he went to his school and i went walking around in shops. then we met up and had lunch. then i took him to get some stuff he needed. and i got a toddlers ninja turtles t shirt that dodger found for me. apparently he likes me to wear little boys clothes. just kidding. i realize that im spoiling him. and that i cant afford to. and that ill be paying this off for a really long time and will need a job. but i want so much to spoil him that i am regaurdless of how bad itll be for me later. i talked to jess, hell be here in 3 days. haha.
***************************************************************
had sex. lots of really good sex for a long time. he always feels so fucking good. he deffinitly knows what hes doing. he got off like three times and got me off. i am sore and happy. we showered and i am laying in bed now while he works. i love him. so much. in other news...i cant draw and shouldnt try. i thought for a moment during the sex about how much i love him and how good it felt and how i want to be fucked like that and feel him there in me and against me for the rest of my life. i wouldnt give him up for anything and i hope he doesnt give me up either.
i watch him and he is just goreous. and i dont think he knows. we tlaked a long time about diferent things. a lot of it about my issues and possible abuse shit. i keep taking pictures of him. i want to take a million or more, want to capture how he looks at all moments and keep them, surround myself with them when im gone.
******************************************************************
he looked at me and said for 33 years and one month i really missed you. he really loves me. i feel so lucky. and i think its ok he loves me cuz im a better person to/around him than other people. he brings out the best in me, makes me try so hard to shed the bad parts. i love him dearly. i hope it shows enough.
*****************************************************************
he woke up at 10 am. four hours of sleep maybe. i was tired, eyes burning. i should have gotten up but i didnt. he was yelling at his laptop. he was pounding his fists on the desk. he said it was ok cuz its just a machine. and i said last night we talked about people being machines. he didnt hear me. i saw myself under his fists. more sleep. woke up again. so much heat. he gets out clothes. i tell him they are too warm and he starts snapping at me. more and more i think he could hurt me. i curled up and he got all concerned. he touched me and i turned away. he lay next to me and my body stiffened. i tried to move away from his touch but he kept following. couldnt he see i was crawling away from him? i got out of the bed. hes so upset, doesnt understand. doesnt understand how sensitive i am. dont hurt me. its too easy.
**************************************************************
he is so sweet and gentle, how could i be afraid of him? i dont see how he could hurt anyone except to defend himself, or me. i think he would to protect me. these entries often seem negative but much of my time here has been positive. problem is the big events are negative and the good things are the little things, the moments, the uneventfullness. i didnt mention earlier but we talked this morning also about how i felt he didnt want me anymore. he hasnt been getting turned on by me and hasnt been making out with me. i knew hed get bored of me. he says hes been avoiding making out due partly to all my freak outs and also to avoid frustration while my period is in full swing. i just want him and i want to feel that closeness that comes through that sort of thing. i want to make love to him while i still can. soon i wont be able to touch him. i hold him every chance i get.
**************************************************************
he went to his school and i went walking around in shops. then we met up and had lunch. then i took him to get some stuff he needed. and i got a toddlers ninja turtles t shirt that dodger found for me. apparently he likes me to wear little boys clothes. just kidding. i realize that im spoiling him. and that i cant afford to. and that ill be paying this off for a really long time and will need a job. but i want so much to spoil him that i am regaurdless of how bad itll be for me later. i talked to jess, hell be here in 3 days. haha.
***************************************************************
had sex. lots of really good sex for a long time. he always feels so fucking good. he deffinitly knows what hes doing. he got off like three times and got me off. i am sore and happy. we showered and i am laying in bed now while he works. i love him. so much. in other news...i cant draw and shouldnt try. i thought for a moment during the sex about how much i love him and how good it felt and how i want to be fucked like that and feel him there in me and against me for the rest of my life. i wouldnt give him up for anything and i hope he doesnt give me up either.
