"you cant write me off and you dont turn me on"

ok, you prolly want an actual explanation. maybe not. but this is where i write everything down. read if you want to. if you are here to judge me... you prolly arent if you can read this, but if you are, then use that mouse of yours and click away from here.

i have a few days to journal about before yesterday, but ill get to that later. i was comming back from a photo shoot. i got off at the max stop by pge park to go grab a happy meal. one guy was lookin at me like he just couldnt stop staring. i liked that. then this other guy walked up to me and asked if i was a girl hed been talking to in the park the other day. i said no. he told me my outfit was really hot and he liked it. i said thank you and walked away. i was wearing my plaid dress and knee high boots. dodger loves that outfit. he thinks its sexy. makes me feel confident. id just done a great shoot. i felt good. i felt pretty and sure of myself. i went to the mcdonalds. ordered my food. in walked the guy who had just talked to me. he asked if i dance around here, like he thought i was a stripper. i said no, i did modeling. he asked if he could talk to me for a minute because hes a photographer looking for new people and he thinks im really pretty. i said sure. we talked. he was saying things about his work. i didnt understand. none of it made sense at all. he never really explained what kind of shoots he does. he gave me a flier. it looked like more than i wanted to get into. it looked like it might be porn. but i figured id find out and i could always say no. (this makes me laugh now. sure, i can say anything i want). so i agreed to call him in a bit and set up to take some sample pictures and set up to do a shoot. he said he was leaving town in two days and wanted to work with me when he got back. fine. if i didnt like him or the sample stuff i could choose not to work with him again. i figured it was worth a try.

i left. took some fries home to dodger. talked to him for a bit, hugged him and hung out and relaxed. then i called john, the guy id met. he said his name was john. the flier said jake or jack i think. he said to meet him at 8pm at the mcdonalds. i walked down there. ordered a strawberry sunday. john walked in. he asked me not ot eat it cuz i might get bloated. that seemed stupid. i never get bloated really and im so anorexic looking as it is that bloating would help. but i listened. we walked up to fred meyers to get a battery for his camera. we got that and then he wanted to copy my id. but the copy machine ate his money twice so we left.

ran into sir charles on burnside on the way. gave him a hug andt old him id talk to him later. the guy lives near pge park, not even a block from the mcdonalds on burnside. but i wont go into more detail than that. i know enough people that are protective of me to a violent extent. i went up to the guys apartment. i ignored the feelings of dread. i ignored the instincts id had to run ever since i met him. i went in. it was a tiny room, no windows, no bathroom. just a rectangle. he put my sunday in the freezer area of his tiny half fridge. he had me sit in a chair. he started trying to take my picture with his camera. but he was having trouble with it he said. though i saw the flash go off many times. he prolly took 10-20 photos of me sitting in the chair. then he got frustrated and switched to his poleriod. didnt make much sense to me. he had a wall covered half way in cameras. the tiny room had the half fridge with a tv on top playing armageddon on mute. music on a stereo, sink, cupboard, chair, bed, and various clutter. he had all those cameras and a bunch of female clothing and shoes. seemed for real in that respect. he asked if i could take the top of my clothes off. ive done nude work. he said he was gonna pay me. ive had to have naked test shots taken before. i took down the top of my dress and my bra. he took a pic or two. now i realize that the entire situation was stupid and bad judgement, but this is the part im most embarrassed about. he pushed my legs up on the chair and spread them. he pulled my underwear aside and put my hand down to open my crotch. he put my hand on my breast. i didnt move. i thought ok there are gonna be some pix taken that i dont like and then ill leave and never call him again. and itll suck but itll be ok. i didnt want to piss him off, i didnt trust him. i was too spineless to argue. he put his hands on my crotch. i knew this was bad, i knew he was all wrong when he touched me without asking. he held it open and pushed my legs up on the chair arms. i told him im not flexible enough to spread that far. he did it anyways. he held my crotch open and took pictures. he held it open and spread oil on it to make it shine and took pictures. he was pulling the poleriods out with his teeth and taking more.

i put my legs down finally and was ready to leave. he stood in front of me blocking me and took off his yellow shirt and brown corderoy pants. he yanked his dick out the top of his tighty whiteys (never trust a man in tighty whiteys) and he shoved his penis in my face, going for my mouth. i turned away and shut my eyes. said no. he put my legs back up on the arms of the chair and put his arms under my bent knees and around my back and lifted me up, crotch against his chest, into the air. i tried to get down. i said hey no. but he put me on the bed, back down, and layed on top of me. he was trying to put his dick in me but it was soooooft. i said no and struggled to get away, legs flailing and arms too. he got control of me better, quickly. put my legs around him and i was pushing at his stomach and chest as he rubbed his limp dick against my genitals. i was saying ow ow ow as he did this and he was holding me by the side of my neck and my collar bone. i was pushing at him and he kept moving his hands away. my face was twisted in tearless crying and i was saying ow ow youre hurting me. he told me to be quiet and stuck his thumb in my mouth, pulling hte side of my mouth, the rest of his hand on my cheek. as i was pushing at his and yelling and crying he got hard. (you fucking like that asshole? that turn you on? fuck you.) he shoved his dick in me. i was yelling louder. his hand was on my neck pressing down. he grabbed my wrists and pinned them to the bed, put my legs above his shoulders or arms or something, i couldnt move them. i was pushing at him. i was yelling. he kept going. it was hurting, i was trying to push enough at lreast that it didnt hurt as much, make him not thrust in as hard. the door was bolted, he was stronger than me. i thought maybe he wasnt going to let me go. i didnt hit him, didnt bite, didnt do a lot of thigns i should have. i didnt want to agrivate him. i feel so stupid. but i wanted to walk out of there ok (well as ok as i could be), i wanted him to let me go and not harm me more. so i didnt fight as hard as i could. i yelled and squirmed and pushed but he just kept going. i should have done something, but i was afraid. he was asking me to play with his nipple piercing but i wouldnt. he moved back a little, he ejaculated on my leg. he moved down to start going down on me. i pushed his head away.

i curled up in a ball for a minute. he was asking what was wrong. like he didnt know. like he didnt get what just happened. i sat up to go. he was behind me, rubbing my shoulders, he put his arms around my body and held me still so i couldnt stand. he said people are bastards arent they? you cant fuck with anyone anymore. he wanted me to stay. i didnt look at him. i told him i had to go. i told him i had to go to the store before it closed. (i had like 2 hours but whatever). he asked if he could walk with me but i said i had to meet my boyfriend. he was trying to talk to me about yoga and relaxation techniques. i considered wiping his cum on his ugly orange flower print blanket but ended up wiping it on his shirt that was laying on the ground. stupid stupid stupid. i should have used my own dress. i wasnt thinking about that. i was trying to clean up enough to leave. i put my dress back on the top of me. he asked me to come back tomorrow (today) and finish the shoot and hed pay me. i told him id call him. i had no intention of that of course. but easier to say that. he went to kiss me but i moved my head and he kissed my cheek, facial hair prickling at my cheek. he was telling me how hot i am and how much money i could make.

i left. as i left he said he knows my boyfriend is a bastard. how would he know this? it isnt true. he is the bastard. i walked out and got out my phone and called dodger. i asked him to meet me at the book section of the fred meyers.

im going to post this and post the aftermath in the next post. comments are being screened. thank you for reading.

(no subject)

and now for another exciting installment of life sucks and people are bastards. lets tune in where we left off...

i stood in the book section of fred meyers, still shaking. i was looking at the books but not really. i was worried i looked too upset and people would be wondering. i was waiting for dodger. he came in and i hugged him. he asked what happened and i just looked at him. i said what do you think happened? he kept asking but i just looked at him. we got the soda that we had planned on picking up earlier. i said i wanted to wait to talk till we got outside. i got outside and we talked. and he dialed 911 on the cell phone and went to hit send and i said no, i wanted to go up to the hospital. so we stopped by home and grabbed teddy and some clothes. we went up to good sam hospital on 23rd. they talked to me. said they would call the police and then i would be sent up to ohsu for the rape exam. so i waited and the cop showed up. and she talked to me. and she seemed to judge me by the modeling and look down on me. and she also seemed judgemental about the fact that im bipolar and that im not on meds. so that all made me feel shitty. and she said dodger seemed too calm. he was supressing homicidal rage. and she said i was too calm. gee thanks. let me work on falling apart. then she drove dodger and i to ohsu. we waited in the waiting room. then i got checked in. i was taken back to a room with couches. the cop and an advocate from the DA's office were there. they talked to me. dodger came back there too. he drew a sketch of the guy from my description. i gave details again and such. then the nurse came in and she asked questions too. and she had me give a urine sample. the cop didnt even let me be alone for that, she came in and kept questioning me. that was annoying. dodger seemed to be affected by all this much more than i was. he was visably upset, and still is. he stayed with me and comforted me and was an all around wonderful boyfriend. the most embarrassing part of telling all this to the cops was tlaking abut the graffic pictures that he took of me. cuz that was before i said no, when i was just too scared to say no and walk away. technically i consented to that.

i was taken back to a hospital room. dodger stayed outside. the advocate stayed with me. the nurse had me take off my clothes and the cop took them. then she looked at me all over. and she shined a black light on me looking for bodily fluids. she found nothing. even though he came on my leg i guess i wiped it off too well. she swabbed my leg anyways. then she had to do a pelvic. she looked at the outside. then she had to put the speculum in. only she couldnt contamenate me with lube. s she just had to put it in. it hurt so bad. dodger heard me from the hall. i was being pathetic. but it hurt. im tiny enough normally but no lube? damn. she swabbed and stuff. then the doctor came and talked to me. didnt do anything really. i called my mom against dodgers judgement. asked her to come pick us up. she yelled at me. she asked me what i was wearing. she sounded annoyed at being called so late. it was about 2am. i got a shot in my arm for std stuff. i tried to take some std stuff in pill form but couldnt get it down even crushed in jello. i was given some underwear and flip flops cuz i forgot to bring extra shoes and panties. they took my only real bra and my nice boots. i got dressed and went out to meet my mom. she gave me a hug. then in the car she totally went off on me and him the whole time. shit talking dodger like he wasnt right there. and telling me i have to stop doing the modeling. i didnt need the shit she gave me. i didnt need the yelling. i didnt need the lectures. i had hoped for something better from her. but i didnt get it. fuck her. i went into my place and i got online for a quick post and some emailing and then i took a bath. dodger and i went to bed.

today i got up hours before dodger. i made the long post i made earlier. i talked to some people. i have the support of a few of the photographers ive worked for, including a lawyer. dodger and i went to subway. then we went to lloyd mall and i got a bra to replace the one thats evidence. we came back and then were off again to the justice building to talk to a detective. tried to do a taped phone call to the rapist. he didnt answer. went to his building. couldnt get in. im afraid they arent going to nail this guy. they say they will. but i dont know. the detective got all mad at a guy downtown. swore at him and twisted his arm. it was funny but at the same time seemed wrong. he took dodger and i home. said hed try again later.

my dad left me a voicemail. he was drunk and yelling at me. i called him. he yelled more. i didnt tell him what had happened. hes moving to indianna in a few weeks. he told me blood is most important. i was tired of him being on my case, wasnt in the mood so i said then where the fuck were you my whole life and hung up. called devin who said that dad was stupid and he hadnt said the things dad said he had. i told him what happened. he was really nice. hes a good brother. im seeing him next sunday. im going to hive in a minute.

dodger seems really pleased i havent broken down. says its beter that way. at first i was just totally numb and detached. as today has progressed ive felt myself start screaming inside my head more and more. my face will scrunch up when he cant see it. im not breaking down. but im not made of stone either. im scared. reality has slapped me in the face and said no you wont always make those miraculous escapes form bad situations. things really do happen to you. and im mad at myself for getting myself in the situation. and for not fighting harder. and for not leaving sooner, when i didnt like the pix he was taking. and for not following my gut. for just being dumb. i never shoulda been there inthe first place. i think im more mad at me than i am at him. but i am mad at him. im mad he didnt use a condom. im mad he tried to act like nothing happened. im mad he hurt me. i think hes an asshole. but im still more mad at myself for knowing better and still getting myself in a stupid situation. im not that fucking dumb. or maybe i am. and im afraid to get attention or look sexy. and im afraid of still being interested in sex. and i cringed at some sexy photos of me that were emailed to me from the other shoot i did yesterday. im afraid to be sexual and to want to be. and im still mad at myself. and im afraid to break down. and im afraid of staying detached. i know the feelings are there. i can feel them inside me. but its like trying to feel something through a wall. i know i was stupid. but dammit, this was a cruel way for life to say hey dumb ass, stop doing this shit. i dont know how well im actually dealing with this, or how well ill keep up this calm exterior. it reminded me of when i had my abortion and i was worried more about sarahs scraped knee than my own pain. this time i was worried about dodger and the DA lady being up too late and tired. *sigh* sometime ill have to take care of my self too.

im not working with new photographers for a while. ill still work with the ones ive already done work for when i get back from seattle on thursday. im going to see my nana tomorrow morning. not looking forward to it. *sigh*

thank you to my friends who have tlaked to me. i love you guys. you are being great.