(no subject)

well the internet got turned back on today. kfkvfkvlv/n.b ,kcxhkdcloyp6l,.b v v,jckgfkfjdsmf;f. that was freds part of the post. she is a kitty cat and she type type types and she type type types. anyways. checked my bank account and im way overdrawn. dammit. just what i fucking need.

last night my mom took me o mccormick and shmicks. spellling be damned. it was good. then we went to the lion king. really good seats. fucking amazing production. loved it.

ive been really depressed lately. i dunno why.

i wrote this the other day

they used toxic liquid
to weaken my body,
my mind,
they used their drugs
to tie me down
and im not into bondage.

i wont be a prisoner
in my own body,
wont let them
try to soften my edges,
remove my ability
cut my way out
of my own mind,
all the screaming
and destruction.

they want to lock me in
but they cant catch me,
im looking back at them,
always running backwards,
staring at what
they did to me,
making sure they
never outsmart me.

the only weapon i have
is this broken mind,
and the fact that
i am willing to risk
my own destruction
to remain whole.

(no subject)

i wrote this the night before last when i was having a bad night....

why do i equate physical affection with love? why do i equate sex with love? it seems either i want someone all the time and they dont want me or just the opposite. i either feel rejection or guilt. i dont feel wanted anymore. so i dont feel loved. im afarid to touch him cuz it always seems t bother him for one reason or another. i dont feel pretty anymore. i hate myself. i look in the mirror and i want o beat the shit out of myself. i want to kill myself, not as an escape but out of violent anger and hatered. im never going to be who i want to be. im never going to overcome what i need to to be ok.

i look at him and i feel so much love and so much fear.

**************************************************************************************************

late that night he mentioned molly. no matter what i do i always feel, i always fear, that hed be happier with her. or with one of his other exes that he speaks so highly of. i always fear that hed be so much happier with one of them, especially her. no matter how good i try to be with him. and i wonder why he stays with someone so unhappy.