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(no subject)
Nov. 3rd, 2006 07:29 pmi've been on the road too long
and i've been stuck inside a song
and you know our love has been
through rougher weather
but our passion's like a rose
the seasons tell it how it grows
and not much compares
to the times we've shared together
'cause love heals everything
we're no exception to the rule
you mean everything to me
so if there is anything at all
all you've got to do is call
and you know that I would
drive 10,000 miles
just to show you that I care
just to kiss your honey hair
and pull you close
and hold you like a child
love heals everything
we're no exception to that rule
you mean everything
you mean everything
you mean everything to me
and i've been stuck inside a song
and you know our love has been
through rougher weather
but our passion's like a rose
the seasons tell it how it grows
and not much compares
to the times we've shared together
'cause love heals everything
we're no exception to the rule
you mean everything to me
so if there is anything at all
all you've got to do is call
and you know that I would
drive 10,000 miles
just to show you that I care
just to kiss your honey hair
and pull you close
and hold you like a child
love heals everything
we're no exception to that rule
you mean everything
you mean everything
you mean everything to me
(no subject)
Nov. 3rd, 2006 07:27 pmi few nihts ago peter was dressed up as the cutest bunny id ever seen. he was holding me close and dancing with me, looking into my eyes with that little rubber nose on. we went home and he rubbed my back and we cuddled and slept. the next morning we cuddled and kissed and lay there for a long time just snuggled and nice.
today we met after class. we had lunch at starbucks and then walked back to my place in the rain. he came up and sat on the bed. and he held my hand while telling me it wasnt working. and i cried and i begged him to give me another chance. and he said everything from i dont have intellectual conversations to the sex is boring. and i told him it can be different. there are a lot of things that i can change if i need to. if they are suggested. and im willing. i asked him to consider it. i cried and snotted all over myself. and i held him. clung and was afraid to let go. i showed him my penguin book. and held him more. and i gave him the bunny picture id gotten him for xmas. i think he liked it. i held him and he cried. id never seen him cry before. he has a vulnerability that seems very apparent to be but somehow less so to others. it would seem that would lend itself to crying easily but it doesnt. it broke my heart to see the tears on his cheeks and the red eyes as he walked out. but somehow it was comforting to know he felt it too, to know this mattered to him.
i just want him to come back. to tell me what needs changing and let me do it. i love him. i dont even know what to do with myself right now. im a total mess but i also feel myself shutting down like this is so crushing my mind cant handle it so ill detach from myself. id do almost anything just to have him call up and say he loves me and still wants to be with me. for him to hold me.
ive been having nightmares about him being mad at me or leaving me for weeks every night except last night. strange. and now hes gone.
i wrote this today:
i would like to say
i would never
beg you to stay
but we both know
i did
as the rain against the window
and the tears against my cheeks
had a steady rhythm,
clinging there,
safe in your arms,
my heart in pieces
at your feet.
i just want him to come back. i cant believe i lost him for good. i just want him back. ill be better this time.
today we met after class. we had lunch at starbucks and then walked back to my place in the rain. he came up and sat on the bed. and he held my hand while telling me it wasnt working. and i cried and i begged him to give me another chance. and he said everything from i dont have intellectual conversations to the sex is boring. and i told him it can be different. there are a lot of things that i can change if i need to. if they are suggested. and im willing. i asked him to consider it. i cried and snotted all over myself. and i held him. clung and was afraid to let go. i showed him my penguin book. and held him more. and i gave him the bunny picture id gotten him for xmas. i think he liked it. i held him and he cried. id never seen him cry before. he has a vulnerability that seems very apparent to be but somehow less so to others. it would seem that would lend itself to crying easily but it doesnt. it broke my heart to see the tears on his cheeks and the red eyes as he walked out. but somehow it was comforting to know he felt it too, to know this mattered to him.
i just want him to come back. to tell me what needs changing and let me do it. i love him. i dont even know what to do with myself right now. im a total mess but i also feel myself shutting down like this is so crushing my mind cant handle it so ill detach from myself. id do almost anything just to have him call up and say he loves me and still wants to be with me. for him to hold me.
ive been having nightmares about him being mad at me or leaving me for weeks every night except last night. strange. and now hes gone.
i wrote this today:
i would like to say
i would never
beg you to stay
but we both know
i did
as the rain against the window
and the tears against my cheeks
had a steady rhythm,
clinging there,
safe in your arms,
my heart in pieces
at your feet.
i just want him to come back. i cant believe i lost him for good. i just want him back. ill be better this time.
(no subject)
Nov. 3rd, 2006 07:06 pmso i went to washington square and built a new build a bear. this time for the break up.
he is a white rabbit named peter. he has bunny slippers and a plaid bathrobe on. he also has a striped polo shirt and jeans. no sound was right so he is silent. i wished on the heart and kissed it twice before putting it in his body.
this doesnt make up for the hole in me. i can still see everything inside of me spilled out onto the floor.
he is a white rabbit named peter. he has bunny slippers and a plaid bathrobe on. he also has a striped polo shirt and jeans. no sound was right so he is silent. i wished on the heart and kissed it twice before putting it in his body.
this doesnt make up for the hole in me. i can still see everything inside of me spilled out onto the floor.
(no subject)
Nov. 3rd, 2006 03:08 pmIt Doesn't Matter Lyrics
by Alison Krauss
It doesn't matter what I want
It doesn't matter what I need
It doesn't matter if I cry
Don't matter if I bleed
You've been on a road
Don't know where it goes or where it leads
It doesn't matter what I want
It doesn't matter what I need
If you've made up your mind to go
I won't beg you to stay
You've been in a cage
Throw you to the wind you fly away
It doesn't matter what I want
It doesn't matter what I need
It doesn't matter if I cry
Doesn't matter if I bleed
Feel the sting of tears
Falling on this face you've loved for years
i was making him a playlist:
falling is like this~ani
good fortune~pj harvey
lovers in a dangerous time~bnl
lucky~bif naked
in your room~depech mode
rock me~liz phair
all i want is you~u2
true colors~cyndi lauper (my favorite song from childhood)
ill stand by you~the pretenders
by Alison Krauss
It doesn't matter what I want
It doesn't matter what I need
It doesn't matter if I cry
Don't matter if I bleed
You've been on a road
Don't know where it goes or where it leads
It doesn't matter what I want
It doesn't matter what I need
If you've made up your mind to go
I won't beg you to stay
You've been in a cage
Throw you to the wind you fly away
It doesn't matter what I want
It doesn't matter what I need
It doesn't matter if I cry
Doesn't matter if I bleed
Feel the sting of tears
Falling on this face you've loved for years
i was making him a playlist:
falling is like this~ani
good fortune~pj harvey
lovers in a dangerous time~bnl
lucky~bif naked
in your room~depech mode
rock me~liz phair
all i want is you~u2
true colors~cyndi lauper (my favorite song from childhood)
ill stand by you~the pretenders
(no subject)
Nov. 3rd, 2006 02:47 pmnormally id hold onto something the person gave me as some sort of comfort but the only thing he ever gave me was a giant vibrator.
(no subject)
Nov. 1st, 2006 06:59 pmso yesterday i got up and was home for a bit then i get ready and head out in my costume. it was cold and i didnt see anyone around dressed up. felt embarrassed. saw tim and he liked my costume. as did a random guy. and i met a model at the streetcar stop and we talked. she was nice. i went to class. gave out candy. took 3 quizzes. im ready for the first exam. yay! im speeding up. its gonna be alright. one of the ta's told me my costume was hot.
went to therapy for a minute to show off. then i grabbed some food and headed for the art institute. i like going into art schools. the walls are covered with fun things and i think it must be so fun to go to one of those places. i talked to the human resource lady. then i went to the class. 3 hours of doing poses, all standing, all having to be exagerated and animated looking. they were doing some really neat drawings but my back was fucked afterwards. i went back out in the freezing cold and wlaked home. then peter came over. we went for food then back to my place. got ready and dan arrived too. he looked cool. peter was adorable! and he liked my costume too. i tried on his ears and nose this morning. it was cute. anyways so we all three took my pumpkins downstairs for a send off of being outside for people to see. then we went to the club. i didnt have as much fun as last year. the venue was not as good as the crystal and the mood was not as fun. peter hated it. dan seemed to do alright. he danced which was cool. peter danced with me. that was my favorite part. i loved it. i danced by myself a bit. i love dancing. i saw charles. that was cool. need to hang out with him soon. also saw brent and ilia. that was good. i miss them. saw stephanie. and some other people. saw owen. and aurora. and bill. i felt at home and out of place at the same time. people kept telling me id been a stranger.
i felt like i didnt know who i was anymore. ive changed how i look, how i dress, im going to a new school and hanging out with different people. i think i felt like i could have a normal stable life if i did this. but im denying part of who i am. strangely im not sure who i am anymore. or what i want. well i know what i want in the long term but not in the short term. and im not sure that what im doing will make me happy.
today i went to class. then i went and got nice gloves from macys. they were on sale. i was happy about it. yay warm hands. then i went to office depot and got more blank dvds and a program for making houses on my computer so i could play with it. and i asked for a usb cord to connect my camera to the computer. i showed my camera and the port to them. i get home and they gave me the wrong size. after i showed them right where i needed to plug the fucking thing in! grr. have to go back tomorrow and exchange it and then go drop off the employment paperwork at the art institute.
went to therapy for a minute to show off. then i grabbed some food and headed for the art institute. i like going into art schools. the walls are covered with fun things and i think it must be so fun to go to one of those places. i talked to the human resource lady. then i went to the class. 3 hours of doing poses, all standing, all having to be exagerated and animated looking. they were doing some really neat drawings but my back was fucked afterwards. i went back out in the freezing cold and wlaked home. then peter came over. we went for food then back to my place. got ready and dan arrived too. he looked cool. peter was adorable! and he liked my costume too. i tried on his ears and nose this morning. it was cute. anyways so we all three took my pumpkins downstairs for a send off of being outside for people to see. then we went to the club. i didnt have as much fun as last year. the venue was not as good as the crystal and the mood was not as fun. peter hated it. dan seemed to do alright. he danced which was cool. peter danced with me. that was my favorite part. i loved it. i danced by myself a bit. i love dancing. i saw charles. that was cool. need to hang out with him soon. also saw brent and ilia. that was good. i miss them. saw stephanie. and some other people. saw owen. and aurora. and bill. i felt at home and out of place at the same time. people kept telling me id been a stranger.
i felt like i didnt know who i was anymore. ive changed how i look, how i dress, im going to a new school and hanging out with different people. i think i felt like i could have a normal stable life if i did this. but im denying part of who i am. strangely im not sure who i am anymore. or what i want. well i know what i want in the long term but not in the short term. and im not sure that what im doing will make me happy.
today i went to class. then i went and got nice gloves from macys. they were on sale. i was happy about it. yay warm hands. then i went to office depot and got more blank dvds and a program for making houses on my computer so i could play with it. and i asked for a usb cord to connect my camera to the computer. i showed my camera and the port to them. i get home and they gave me the wrong size. after i showed them right where i needed to plug the fucking thing in! grr. have to go back tomorrow and exchange it and then go drop off the employment paperwork at the art institute.
(no subject)
Oct. 30th, 2006 04:43 pmive been sick all day. its from the patch, rom the estrogen withdrawl after taking it off sunday. it happens every month. the headache, the tummy ache. im out for a day. well i have to work tonight so im making myself get better.
peter is such a sweety. he came over and helped me make some soup. and i expected he would just take off but he stayed and read and was there for several hours. it made me feel a lot better just having him there.
im making bean with bacon soup cuz thats always been my comfort food. then its off to model for a portrait drawing class.
hallween should be fun tomorrow. and cold!
peter is such a sweety. he came over and helped me make some soup. and i expected he would just take off but he stayed and read and was there for several hours. it made me feel a lot better just having him there.
im making bean with bacon soup cuz thats always been my comfort food. then its off to model for a portrait drawing class.
hallween should be fun tomorrow. and cold!
(no subject)
Oct. 26th, 2006 11:37 pmpeter came by. it was really nice. there was cuddlyness. and he brought me donuts.
and i didnt want him to go. ive had a bad day all around. but i told him i was fine cuz when someone wants to go you shouldnt make them stay. they need to stay when they want to.
and i didnt want him to go. ive had a bad day all around. but i told him i was fine cuz when someone wants to go you shouldnt make them stay. they need to stay when they want to.
(no subject)
Oct. 13th, 2006 10:44 ampeter came over last night. it was a lovely surprise. we talked about a lot of things. he was worried one of my friends is interested in me. or vice versa. which isnt true. boys are so cute when they are jealous. and he talked about us just being friends or something cuz i deserve someone who meets my needs. and i had to tell him he does. the boy worries way too much. he doesnt seem to realize. ive wanted to be with him since i met him. i fell for him right away. im completey in love with him and i ont want anyone else. i thought itd be obvious. but apparently not.
(no subject)
Oct. 12th, 2006 10:39 pmcurrent count: still need to find a way to make 50 bucks by the 19th. but thats better than 200.
today i went to planned parenthood. i got there 15 minutes early. they saw me an hour late. i was annoyed. then the lady talked too much while i was sitting cold in a paper fucking gown that opened in the front. then she had freezinf hands on my boobs. then she didnt warn me before she stuck an unlube speculum in me. ouch. then she lubed it and tried again. right before she came in when i was sitting in the gown i began to panic. i didnt want some stranger sticking their fingers in me down there an looking at me down there.
forgot my phone so plans with peter were delayed. but we ended up having a great time at wunderland. then i had dinner with my mom. it was great. an she gave me money specifically for boots. yay!
today i went to planned parenthood. i got there 15 minutes early. they saw me an hour late. i was annoyed. then the lady talked too much while i was sitting cold in a paper fucking gown that opened in the front. then she had freezinf hands on my boobs. then she didnt warn me before she stuck an unlube speculum in me. ouch. then she lubed it and tried again. right before she came in when i was sitting in the gown i began to panic. i didnt want some stranger sticking their fingers in me down there an looking at me down there.
forgot my phone so plans with peter were delayed. but we ended up having a great time at wunderland. then i had dinner with my mom. it was great. an she gave me money specifically for boots. yay!
(no subject)
Oct. 7th, 2006 12:03 amone thing im really glad about is that peter and i can always talk to each other. this is really important. it may not always be fun or easy but we do talk about things. if we coulnt do that we woulnt be together right now.
i really do love him a lot. im putting everything ive got into making this work.
i really do love him a lot. im putting everything ive got into making this work.
(no subject)
Oct. 6th, 2006 05:33 pmwent to class today. missed the street car an was 15 minutes late to a 65 minute class which ended up letting out 20 minutes early. my feeling when i woke up that i should say fuck it and stay in bed was entirely acurate i think. gary came over and tried to make my internet work on the desktop. no luck. hes going to try some other things next week. leanne came over. we did a photo shoot. it involved me an some vegetables being used as my penis. they were phallic. i stroked my veggie cock like a pro. hehe. strangeness. apparently peter is comming over later to use my tv/canble to watch battlestar galactica. help me please...
(no subject)
Oct. 5th, 2006 03:37 pmtuesday i went to my self paced class. i was out of it and felt like an idiot. i had to keep rereading things. and when i tried talking to my peers i came off as a moron. but i took the quiz and got 100% yay!
oh did i tell you guys i got my diploma in the mail? it was a flimsy piece of paper between two pieces of cardboard that werent even attached. i paid 10k for that?! my high school one was way nicer and that was free.
hung out with peter tuesday. went to the roxy and had pancakes. went to powells. we spent some time at my place. ended up having sex and being late to buffy. late enough to miss a whole episode. there were annoying people at buffy that were being loud and stupid. peter yelled at them. it was great. hes my hero. then we were parting afterwards and i wanted to cuddle with him. i was joking when i said he sucked but he chased me own and took me back to his place.
we cuddled and it was nice. he is so sweet. then wednesay we got up and went to school. i was learning about mice and dopamine research. the poor mice! the horrible things they do to them for research! and kittens. they do bad things to kittens! i am very unhappy about the things done to the poor animals. i tried to make a point in class but i couldnt express myself well enough. its annoying cuz the teacher just looked at me like i was an idiot but then a few minutes later a girl raised her hand and an said the same thing just worded better and the teacher thought it was very interesting.
after class peter and i went to lunch. then we went to sparticus so he could get me my bday gift early. he got me a rabbit vibrator.
then later i went to the volunteering which i already posted about.
oh did i tell you guys i got my diploma in the mail? it was a flimsy piece of paper between two pieces of cardboard that werent even attached. i paid 10k for that?! my high school one was way nicer and that was free.
hung out with peter tuesday. went to the roxy and had pancakes. went to powells. we spent some time at my place. ended up having sex and being late to buffy. late enough to miss a whole episode. there were annoying people at buffy that were being loud and stupid. peter yelled at them. it was great. hes my hero. then we were parting afterwards and i wanted to cuddle with him. i was joking when i said he sucked but he chased me own and took me back to his place.
we cuddled and it was nice. he is so sweet. then wednesay we got up and went to school. i was learning about mice and dopamine research. the poor mice! the horrible things they do to them for research! and kittens. they do bad things to kittens! i am very unhappy about the things done to the poor animals. i tried to make a point in class but i couldnt express myself well enough. its annoying cuz the teacher just looked at me like i was an idiot but then a few minutes later a girl raised her hand and an said the same thing just worded better and the teacher thought it was very interesting.
after class peter and i went to lunch. then we went to sparticus so he could get me my bday gift early. he got me a rabbit vibrator.
then later i went to the volunteering which i already posted about.
(no subject)
Sep. 29th, 2006 10:44 pmwent to class. was late. phone went off in class with loud annoying ringtone. i was totally mortified. oh my. then met up with peter. we had a serious talk. neither of us have been comfortable with him caretaking me. i want to be in an equal relationship. i dont want to be taken care of. especially by my boyfriend. it creates a relationship where i am the child or the one to be controled. and i dont want that. i dont want to need him. i want to want him. and feel like im independant. so he is afraid cuz he thinks i dont take care of myself. he doesnt want to watch me suffer. and i told him he needs to step back and let me dop things for myself. im an adult. i told him i wont always make the right choices but they are mine to make. in turn i will do my best to take care of myself. i know im not always the best at it. i think the convo went well.
we hung out later an had a nice time. tonight ive been relaxing. i even made some soup. i am proficien at opening a can and adding water. woo.
theres one more thing i did today. im nervous about it. but i think its worth a try. i went and saw nancy at my therapy place. she is the med nurse. shes a really nice lady. and i had an hour appointment. and we talked. and she listened and asked questions and she remembered past things. and at the end i felt like she was helpful. and she gave me a prescription for abilify. im going to try this again. the meds. but in a way i feel like im giving up. ive worked so hard not to be on drugs. and i dont need them. thats the fucked up thing. i dont need to do this. im trying to make things easier on me and make myself feel better. so why do i feel bad about it?
in other news comcast finally got the internet working on the desktop. for a minute. then it was gone again and he coulnt get it back. then he got it going on the laptop. so its up to me to get the desktop working im guessing. damn.
we hung out later an had a nice time. tonight ive been relaxing. i even made some soup. i am proficien at opening a can and adding water. woo.
theres one more thing i did today. im nervous about it. but i think its worth a try. i went and saw nancy at my therapy place. she is the med nurse. shes a really nice lady. and i had an hour appointment. and we talked. and she listened and asked questions and she remembered past things. and at the end i felt like she was helpful. and she gave me a prescription for abilify. im going to try this again. the meds. but in a way i feel like im giving up. ive worked so hard not to be on drugs. and i dont need them. thats the fucked up thing. i dont need to do this. im trying to make things easier on me and make myself feel better. so why do i feel bad about it?
in other news comcast finally got the internet working on the desktop. for a minute. then it was gone again and he coulnt get it back. then he got it going on the laptop. so its up to me to get the desktop working im guessing. damn.
(no subject)
Sep. 28th, 2006 07:55 pmpeter was trying to get me signed up with the disability office at school. i hate the idea of this. and the way he was being made me feel bad. like i was being e around like a child when i really didnt want to. i appreciate what he was trying to do. i just felt bad. and i ended up mentioning to him that i sometimes hear/see things. which i hadnt talke to him about before. then i just felt like a big ball of wacko. its like oh by the way im more fucked up than i said before but only sometimes. that is an issue that comes out usually when im stressed.
and now for a rant. i hate comcast! first day the guy is 2 1/2 hours late. then hes here for over 2 hours. the tv works, the internet doesnt. then today he comes back aroun noon. he is here for over an hour. no luck. then he says he will come back between 430 and 5. so at 830 i cal him from the number on my cell phone. not only has he left his work phone in my kitchen and im calling his house phone, but he has the nerve to tell me he didnt have a carseat to bring his baby with him so he didnt call me and i waited for 4 hours for nothing. he says he can come back in the morning. so i have to wake up early to have him try more things. if that doesnt work then its my computer and ill have to pay up to 50 bucks to have someone come fix it. gawdammit!
and now for a rant. i hate comcast! first day the guy is 2 1/2 hours late. then hes here for over 2 hours. the tv works, the internet doesnt. then today he comes back aroun noon. he is here for over an hour. no luck. then he says he will come back between 430 and 5. so at 830 i cal him from the number on my cell phone. not only has he left his work phone in my kitchen and im calling his house phone, but he has the nerve to tell me he didnt have a carseat to bring his baby with him so he didnt call me and i waited for 4 hours for nothing. he says he can come back in the morning. so i have to wake up early to have him try more things. if that doesnt work then its my computer and ill have to pay up to 50 bucks to have someone come fix it. gawdammit!
(no subject)
Sep. 24th, 2006 11:22 pmim almost done unpacking. busy busy.
school tomorrow. nervous.
peter called to say his plane landed. hes not comming over though. what a bitch. gee, missed you too. no flower or naked ashley for you. =p
in other news micah has told me just now that if im ever single again he still wants to date me. im not interested in him taht way anymore. this is the 3rd relationship ive been in where he wanted to date me and told me so. *sigh*
school tomorrow. nervous.
peter called to say his plane landed. hes not comming over though. what a bitch. gee, missed you too. no flower or naked ashley for you. =p
in other news micah has told me just now that if im ever single again he still wants to date me. im not interested in him taht way anymore. this is the 3rd relationship ive been in where he wanted to date me and told me so. *sigh*
(no subject)
Sep. 21st, 2006 12:40 amim feeling better thankfully.
i miss peter. i want cuddles and kisses.
he is so sweet. hes been so good about being there for me even though hes gone. hes always looking out for me. always there to support me. im so lucky. i love him so much.
i miss peter. i want cuddles and kisses.
he is so sweet. hes been so good about being there for me even though hes gone. hes always looking out for me. always there to support me. im so lucky. i love him so much.
