sarcastic squirrel

im getting worse. its getting to the point where i want to go out and look to get hurt. which is mre dangerous than hurting myself. cuz i can always stop hurting myself. i know that things are going to get worse before they get better. i knonw my cycles.

ive considered that it might be time for another hospital vacation. but there are problems wiht that. the least of them is that theyd drug me up again. i could always go off the drugs when i got out. but there are other issues.

dodger has no working phone. which means id have no contact with him. this is bad for two reasons.

first of all it would be really really hard on me. being away from him is doing this to me. so isolating me from him further doesnt sound like a really good solution.

the other issue with that is that i dont trust dodger. not in a total way, in the way that i dont trust him not to fall apart if left there without even me around to talk to. no one would be there to look out for him or make sure his depression didnt consume him. i cant risk leaving him like that.

i dont know what to do at this point. i really dont. but i see the hole im falling down. and i see the broken glass at the bottom.